To Feel Insulted by PIL holiday decision?

[LizzieLookAtTheFlowers]

We have a lovely relationship with DH's parents and have really enjoyed holidays with them every other year since our children turned 3 (we couldn't afford it before then). They alternate with SIL and family.

I am pregnant with our 3rd and next year is our 'turn' to holiday with in-laws. We enjoy holidaying alone, too, but the kids absolutely love their grandparents adding an extra dimension to the fun. We asked them about booking something and sent some options and they told DH they won't go abroad with us if we have a baby, or even an under 3, because they didn't when they had their children.

So we won't be holidaying with them for the next 4 years, which means our children will be missing out on time with their grandparents while they are young.

They will still go away with SIL in the meantime, and they have a much closer relationship with her children anyway, so I feel this is another way that our children miss out with them.

I don't really understand what they have against babies. I find babies easier than 3-year-olds (ours will be 7 months by the time the holiday comes around.) We will look after our own baby, who will be breastfed like the others, so will always be with me and we don't have to worry about sterilising or making up bottles etc, not that it would be their responsibility if we did. We do BLW so baby will just eat what we eat, and we are looking at the Canaries, which isn't exactly primitive - they sell nappies and everything! We will have separate apartments, so they won't be disturbed at night, and we don't ask them to do any babysitting while away (last time they offered and looked after the kids for a couple of hours once while we went for a drink, that is it and we didn't ask or expect even that, we wanted to all spend time together.)

I don't understand how us having a baby will impact on them. It will be our responsibility. They have 4 holidays a year, two of which are to very luxury locations, and they usually enjoy their holidays with the grandkids in contrast. So this wouldn't be their only chance for a break or anything.

Are they being weird or am I wrong to feel insulted that they think our baby would ruin their holiday enough that they won't entertain the idea and miss out on time with their other two grandchildren for years to come?

I think it could be the jump to 3 kids

If they have 2 and sil has 2 maybe they think 3 is going to be too busy.

I have 4, going from 2-3 was busy.
We took a holiday abroad when they were 8mts 4 and 7. I didn’t go again until they were much older.
We found a big shift in people’s hospitality when we had no 3, invitations to homes etc dried up.
Now that they are older I understand it, while you’re in the thick of it you don’t notice the chaos.
My sister has 3 young kids and I brace myself when they call. Not much chance for conversation or a proper meal, she’s oblivious as I once was.

Enjoy your family but be realistic that not everybody else will x

If you have a nursery-aged DD (per latest post), how come this policy hasn't come up before?

It’s an odd random rule, but I do kind of get not wanting to go away with a baby.
A baby usually has a set time table, can be demanding, and noisy crying isn’t exactly relaxing. I think they are thinking a baby might make the holiday more difficult for them. It’s going to be very hard to express this to you without being weird and rude though.

So they didn't holiday abroad with SIL kids under 3 either (or almost 3). In that case the inlaws obviously want their holidays abroad to be baby free and that is their prerogative. They pay for child to go to nursery in lieu of minding her. I think you are pretty lucky to have them. Not many parents could rely on such a generous arrangement from grandparents.

Why doesn’t your DH offer to bring the kids while you stay at home with the baby? I agree that your older kids shouldn’t miss out.

It sounds more like they are saying it should be that way to be "fair" otherwise the baby will having something that the siblings didn't (holidays under the age of three)... still bonkers but thats the logic as I read it from your OP
But then you'll never be able to go on holiday with them, because by the time the baby gets 3, it's likely that a middle child will be the age the older child was when the baby was born, or thereabouts, so it would be unfair on the older child if the middle child got to have the holiday at the age the older child didn't..and so on!

That should read 'They pay for your child to go to nursery'

I would thank your lucky stars!

I think your pil’s are quite put upon. Either looking after grandchildren or paying for their care.
Just enjoy a holiday with your own family unit. Maybe your pil’s feel they need their own break without children.

I do get you feeling put out about sil’s preferential treatment. We get that too but it is best to just ignore it and make sure you give your children fab days out etc. It will be the grandparents who regret this later on when the grandchildren are not so bothered about seeing them.

Tenerife last year- 6 month old baby cried most of the way on the plane, massive relief when we got off, only to find not only where they in the same hotel, but two rooms down. That’s all we heard around the pool was crying, when we had dinner crying, and in our room crying. I was all for parents taking babies away, but I can say I could never say yes to going away with someone who has a baby.

PIL have provided childcare for SIL's 2 boys since they were 6 months old. MIL does school runs twice a week for SIL,takes the boys to parties etc. They have dinner with grandparents twice a week and sleepovers most weekends. Mainly this is because SIL asks but we don't feel we can as they are always booked up. They contribute financially to DD's additional days at nursery while I work instead of looking after her themselves.
This sounds a lot like my PiL and my niece & nephews. My in laws have two DS's so its not a matter of being to closer to their daughters children. They have done childcare for my Bro& sis inlaw three since they were 9 months old three days a week. They are still doing school runs, inset days, after school care etc - the youngest who is now in year 6. Sis in law doesn't drive so often planned after school clubs etc for PiL's days so they would drive them about. My DS gets two nights/three days with PiL once in the summer holidays. They have never offered to pay for my child care - it is what it is - bro/sis in law live nearby, we don't. Small things niggle like they would take DN's shopping for clothes to keep at their house but never offer buy stuff for my DS. But I don't feel they have to offer the same to us - I can hardly expect them to drive two hours each way to do my school run!

Why should she thank her lucky stars? ILs have prioritised one set of grandchildren over another but don't want to feel bad about it so contribute to nursery fees. I get the impression OP would prefer they spent time rather than money.
I fully expect to be told that no one owes childcare to their DCs but if you help out one, you really should help both.

I look forward to my holidays. I wouldn’t if a baby was there (mine or someone else’s) as it screams hassle to me! Constant feeding, naps, nappy changes - it really effects the dynamic of a holiday IMO.

Yep. I wouldn’t even go on hols with my own let alone someone else’s at that age. They dictate timetabling essentially. Can’t get up and go as a baby/toddler is napping, must be back at certain time to keep to baby/toddler schedule, can’t eat there as not suitable for young kids and the list goes on. I don’t blame them in the slightest.

I agree OP it does seem very odd and rigid. Strange to just say it is their policy. Also I don't see how it makes any sense. In many ways babies are much easier than 3 year olds who I think are very difficult. There isn't much you can do about though if that's their decision.
They will be the ones missing out on spending lovely quality time with their grandchildren.

I went away with friends and their baby many years ago. Everything revolved around the baby - perfectly understandable but I wouldn't do it again by choice.

I'm sorry but it comes across you are a bit narked at their relationship with your s'n'law - if they won't holiday abroad holiday in your home country...your children will not miss out if that is the real reason it bothers you? I have holidayed alot abroad with my children since 6 months old and with my sister's chidren. After the last holiday with my sister's children 6 monthts to 5 years - I swore I would not holiday with them again until they were older.

Could it be the flight is the sticking point?

Who called them narcs? Jeez, they can have some funny ways and be a bit odd about things and set in their ways but they are genuinely loving, supportive people. Hence why I am sad as I genuinely love them and their company and we have a great time when we go away together.

My children will definitely notice that their cousins are going away on long foreign holidays with their grandparents and they aren't. They aren't oblivious, and since they are used to it they will notice.

@thedevondumpling yeah, I get that's our choice. We can't afford both so we will have to think. Maybe if they were willing to do a caravan park or something in may half term we could manage it.

On another note, in response to many others, we aren't routine people. Our babies have always been portable and napped in sling or buggies while we are out and about, or gone to sleep at night in buggy if we are out for dinner. Breastfeeding makes life easier because you dont have to get back for milk, you can stay out as long as you need to, dont need any feeding equipment or milk on planes or have to worry about water or stetilising and babies feed during take off and landing etc.

As for DH needed help with the other two, why? He's totally capable, as am I. And there is a kids club, too...

DH was going to ask them for their reasons this afternoon as he is upset with them. Maybe I will tell him to just let it go as it is their choice, but I would like to know what their reasons are. FIL in particular ADORES babies, cried non stop when we told him this one was coming as he thought there would be no more and is more excited than anyone about this one's arrival. So this is why it doesn't make any sense, they are absolutely mad about babies and their grandkids in general

I think I would have to " plead my case" if I were you. They may not realize just how disappointed you are .

SMH at the poster saying it's cruel to take baby to a hot climate, what about all the millions of children born and living in hot countries.

Also 28 degrees is not very hot actually. Thousands of happy holiday makers enjoy holidays abroad in hot climates....some people on MN are so strange

People with babies forget how much they have changed their lives to accomodate the baby and don't mind focusing their holiday around a baby's needs as that is understandably - a bit of a nightmare for the nonbaby people - speaking from experience.

my children aren't prioritised in the same way and they don't have nearly as close a relationship as their cousins do.

If my DC were not treated the same as their cousins then I would have a very big issue with this. Is it at all possible that your MIL is using baby no.3 as an excuse to just not go on holiday with you because she doesn't really want to or has to do something for SIL at that time.

I have the opposite problem - my parents have always holidayed with my brother and his children. So has my sister (she doesn’t have children). I don’t know why (I think they all just prefer my brother’s family) and to be honest, DH has always travelled so much with work, we welcome the time together as a family with no one else.

Try to focus on the fact that you’re lucky to have such a fabulous family holiday at all, with or without the ILs.

Could MIL be put out that you are having baby no.3 and her DD won't be? Or could SIL be upset about baby no.3?