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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Feel Insulted by PIL holiday decision?

321 replies

LizzieLookAtTheFlowers · 02/07/2019 11:53

We have a lovely relationship with DH's parents and have really enjoyed holidays with them every other year since our children turned 3 (we couldn't afford it before then). They alternate with SIL and family.

I am pregnant with our 3rd and next year is our 'turn' to holiday with in-laws. We enjoy holidaying alone, too, but the kids absolutely love their grandparents adding an extra dimension to the fun. We asked them about booking something and sent some options and they told DH they won't go abroad with us if we have a baby, or even an under 3, because they didn't when they had their children.

So we won't be holidaying with them for the next 4 years, which means our children will be missing out on time with their grandparents while they are young.

They will still go away with SIL in the meantime, and they have a much closer relationship with her children anyway, so I feel this is another way that our children miss out with them.

I don't really understand what they have against babies. I find babies easier than 3-year-olds (ours will be 7 months by the time the holiday comes around.) We will look after our own baby, who will be breastfed like the others, so will always be with me and we don't have to worry about sterilising or making up bottles etc, not that it would be their responsibility if we did. We do BLW so baby will just eat what we eat, and we are looking at the Canaries, which isn't exactly primitive - they sell nappies and everything! We will have separate apartments, so they won't be disturbed at night, and we don't ask them to do any babysitting while away (last time they offered and looked after the kids for a couple of hours once while we went for a drink, that is it and we didn't ask or expect even that, we wanted to all spend time together.)

I don't understand how us having a baby will impact on them. It will be our responsibility. They have 4 holidays a year, two of which are to very luxury locations, and they usually enjoy their holidays with the grandkids in contrast. So this wouldn't be their only chance for a break or anything.

Are they being weird or am I wrong to feel insulted that they think our baby would ruin their holiday enough that they won't entertain the idea and miss out on time with their other two grandchildren for years to come?

OP posts:
GetUpAgain · 02/07/2019 12:46

My children are oblivious to what their grandparents do when they are apart. Children are not known for keeping tally on their cousins activities so I doubt your kids will care less if their grandparents and cousins spend time together. They will be more interested in what you are doing. You can go away as a family, with friends, on PGL, hire a boat, the world is literally your oyster so I wouldn't feel hard done by!

MsMaisel · 02/07/2019 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Louise7777 · 02/07/2019 12:48

I've got a 1 yo. I don't plan to take him abroad until he's 3 because i don't fancy the hassle. I know plenty do it but it's not for me and I'm sure they feel the same. The potential heat, crying on a plane, carrying sooo much stuff around, milk on planes, car seats, bedtime routines. The list goes on. Before children we easily went abroad 3 times a year but for now it's on hold. I absolutely take my hat off to anyone who does it. I'm. Sure it's rewarding but honestly I just couldn't be bothered with the hassle. If you fancy it then go without them and then maybe have a small break in this country too so they can come to that?

Drum2018 · 02/07/2019 12:49

Did they travel with SIL when her kids were under 3? If so then it doesn't sound altogether reasonable that they won't travel with your family. However as parents age they can have less tolerance for small kids and may just not be able to face a holiday where the routine might be set by the baby, from nap times to dinner times. At the end of the day, if they decline to go on holiday with you then that's their business. You can still go to the canaries without them.

SoyDora · 02/07/2019 12:49

You’ll be minding the baby so dh will need more help with the other two

Why would DH need help with the other two? They will be going on holiday regardless, without the grandparents, so he can obviously manage them himself. Looking after a 7 month old doesn’t stop the OP looking after her other children either. I have 3... 5, 4 and 6 months. I manage to look after all three all by myself!

Original poster
LizzieLookAtTheFlowers · 02/07/2019 12:50

@loopytiles PIL have provided childcare for SIL's 2 boys since they were 6 months old. MIL does school runs twice a week for SIL,takes the boys to parties etc. They have dinner with grandparents twice a week and sleepovers most weekends. Mainly this is because SIL asks but we don't feel we can as they are always booked up. They contribute financially to DD's additional days at nursery while I work instead of looking after her themselves. I wouldn't want to stretch them further as MIL also looks after her very elderly mum but I am human and it does sting sometimes that my children aren't prioritised in the same way and they don't have nearly as close a relationship as their cousins do. I presume it is because they are closer to their daughter's children than their son's children and I believe this is quite common. If it is oddly competitive of me to be aware of the obvious disparity then so be it.

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 02/07/2019 12:51

Not all babies scream husbands can cope with there own children too

I would go on holiday without them and just grey rock them dont have any expectations of them anymore

cptartapp · 02/07/2019 12:51

I wouldn't want to go on holiday with babies or toddlers, GC or not. My now teens have never ever holidayed with either set of GP and I don't feel they've missed out.
They do play second fiddle to my SIL DC, however, regardless of holidays. You'll never balance that out IME.

fedup21 · 02/07/2019 12:52

Is it oddly competitive to want your children to enjoy the same opportunities and have the same relationship with their grandparents as their cousins, or just natural?

Did the in laws go on holiday with SIL when her kids were under 3?

ThistleDownHair · 02/07/2019 12:52

I think it’s a massive leap to call them “narc parents”.

I look forward to my holidays. I wouldn’t if a baby was there (mine or someone else’s) as it screams hassle to me! Constant feeding, naps, nappy changes - it really effects the dynamic of a holiday IMO.

I’m not a child hater or a narcissist by any stretch of the imagination. I therefore think they’re perfectly reasonable to hold off on holidays until the baby is 3.

ems137 · 02/07/2019 12:53

Did they not go on holiday when your other children were under 3 then? How is this a new thing that's only just cropped up?

Mia1415 · 02/07/2019 12:55

A holiday with a 7 month year old will be much more relaxing than one with a 3 year old.

YANBU

Drum2018 · 02/07/2019 12:55

@SavingSpaces2019 that's a bit of a leap - all of a sudden the inlaws are narcissists simply because they don't want to holiday with a baby? Grin If that's the case a lot of us must be narcissists. I'm past the baby stage and couldn't think of anything worse as regards holiday, than having a baby to consider.

CatOnASwing · 02/07/2019 12:56

I cans why you're miffed, but one of the downsides of having further DCs, or having DCs spaced far apart is that the older DCs will have to make some compromises to accommodate their younger sibling.

Think you're just going to have to suck this one up OP. My DCs are older and there's NFW I would holiday with a baby, I totally get their point.

CatOnASwing · 02/07/2019 12:56

*can see

MerryMarigold · 02/07/2019 12:56

Are you sure something hasn't got lost in translation here, because it seems quite odd.

I think if you really want time with the GPs then I'd holiday in the UK every other year. Are they ok with going on holiday on the UK with baby, or is it any holiday? I think these hols can be lots of fun. We had a great time in Broadstairs one year.

BertrandRussell · 02/07/2019 12:58

I think if they don’t want to travel with under 3s that’s their prerogative. Not what I would do, but lots of people on here feel the same way! Just do some weekends on this country. Maybe make some traditions- my mum and dad always used to go to my brother for Easter and for Bonfire Night, for example.The children really looked forward to seeing them.

TheHopefulTraveller · 02/07/2019 12:58

Just being naughty really, but I wonder if they'd change their tune if you start taking long holidays abroad with your own parents instead, OP. If they're playing off different sets of grandchildren against each other, they'll no doubt be acutely aware of whether they're getting their pound of flesh in relation to the 'other grandparents'. Wink

Original poster
LizzieLookAtTheFlowers · 02/07/2019 12:59

@ems137

Did they not go on holiday when your other children were under 3 then? How is this a new thing that's only just cropped up?

We couldn't afford it until DD was 3 and I started my own business, and DH is now in a better position. So it wasn't an option.

SIL doesn't like to take under 2s abroad. They went to Spain together when her youngest was 2-going-on-3 and prior to that did UK holidays.

OP posts:
UnderPompeii · 02/07/2019 12:59

What's your relationship like with your own parents OP?

thedevondumpling · 02/07/2019 13:00

Well it is up to you now, either you accept you wont be having holidays with them for a few years or you holiday in UK every other year. Which is more important to you the foreign holiday or children having a holiday with grandparents? They have made your choice so over to you.

thedevondumpling · 02/07/2019 13:00

They have made their choice.

Original poster
LizzieLookAtTheFlowers · 02/07/2019 13:02

As for why I don't go away with my parents - they are divorced, it is acrimonious between them, my dad has heart failure and other health problems and my mum hates my DH so it's tricky.

OP posts:
fedup21 · 02/07/2019 13:02

Have you said to MIL that she went on holiday with your SIL when hers were 2?!

To be honest though-I’d just go without them. I’m happy to go with my in laws if they are paying (that’s probably horrid?!) but if they didn’t want to come because I had small children, it wouldn’t bother me at all.

I say that as someone who has holidayed with in laws many times! We went at ages when the kids will remember going.

UnderPompeii · 02/07/2019 13:02

Would your mum like to go abroad with you?