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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Feel Insulted by PIL holiday decision?

321 replies

LizzieLookAtTheFlowers · 02/07/2019 11:53

We have a lovely relationship with DH's parents and have really enjoyed holidays with them every other year since our children turned 3 (we couldn't afford it before then). They alternate with SIL and family.

I am pregnant with our 3rd and next year is our 'turn' to holiday with in-laws. We enjoy holidaying alone, too, but the kids absolutely love their grandparents adding an extra dimension to the fun. We asked them about booking something and sent some options and they told DH they won't go abroad with us if we have a baby, or even an under 3, because they didn't when they had their children.

So we won't be holidaying with them for the next 4 years, which means our children will be missing out on time with their grandparents while they are young.

They will still go away with SIL in the meantime, and they have a much closer relationship with her children anyway, so I feel this is another way that our children miss out with them.

I don't really understand what they have against babies. I find babies easier than 3-year-olds (ours will be 7 months by the time the holiday comes around.) We will look after our own baby, who will be breastfed like the others, so will always be with me and we don't have to worry about sterilising or making up bottles etc, not that it would be their responsibility if we did. We do BLW so baby will just eat what we eat, and we are looking at the Canaries, which isn't exactly primitive - they sell nappies and everything! We will have separate apartments, so they won't be disturbed at night, and we don't ask them to do any babysitting while away (last time they offered and looked after the kids for a couple of hours once while we went for a drink, that is it and we didn't ask or expect even that, we wanted to all spend time together.)

I don't understand how us having a baby will impact on them. It will be our responsibility. They have 4 holidays a year, two of which are to very luxury locations, and they usually enjoy their holidays with the grandkids in contrast. So this wouldn't be their only chance for a break or anything.

Are they being weird or am I wrong to feel insulted that they think our baby would ruin their holiday enough that they won't entertain the idea and miss out on time with their other two grandchildren for years to come?

OP posts:

barefootluxury · 02/07/2019 12:23

I would feel snubbed too. I think most people would.

However, I would simply let it go. You probably will not change their mind on this, no doubt they have thought it through.

Perhaps they feel they will be the unpaid nannies for the week, and they are getting too old to look after three children inc a baby?

Book a lovely child focused holiday and perhaps invite your family instead? Or head off with friends? Your in laws really do not have to be your be all end all. They don't want to holiday with a baby? Fine then find someone who will enjoy it. As for your other dc missing out, I doubt they care as much as you think they do. Most dc are happy enough to be on holiday spending quality time with their parents.

Dh might want to mention that it is a shame they also stand to miss out on shared christmases, birthdays, easter and everything in between if they can't stay with a baby! Most definitely their loss op.

Original poster

LizzieLookAtTheFlowers · 02/07/2019 12:23

@zaphodsotherhead Could it be anything to do with the fact that one person's attention needs to be permanently on that baby/small child? You can't really relax and enjoy yourselves if one person has to be on 'small child alert'?

Totally get that, but imo that doesn't end at 3, if anything 3 year olds are more a liability in terms of safety and they enjoy holidaying with their grandchildren. It isn't a blanket "no young children" policy, just babies.

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 02/07/2019 12:23

OP because i don't enjoy the company of most babys and don't wish to hear them/ be woken up by or have my timetable curtailed by them, i go on holiday to relax.

Oldraver · 02/07/2019 12:24

Well it's their choice but also your choice not t go along with it.

If you can only afford one holiday and want that abroad then do it. Yes of course you could holiday in the UK but make sure it's what you want...no good spending money on something your not keen on

lifeinthedeep · 02/07/2019 12:24

I think it’s very odd. If you’re the one breastfeeding and looking after the baby then I don’t know what their problem is. Maybe have a little chat and gently explain that you wouldn’t expect any help with the baby and that they could still spend time with the older two the way they want to?

Some people just get funny ideas into their heads!

Whoops75 · 02/07/2019 12:24

I think they’re right.

You’ll be minding the baby so dh will need more help with the other two. Far more hands on holiday than they’re used to.

Bungalowblues · 02/07/2019 12:25

Its competitive to be keeping a tally between the cousins and contact time with their Grandparents. You can't dictate to others how they spend their time. Also by keeping score and getting annoyed you may actually create the issue you are trying to avoid by drawing attention to it.

Is SIL their daughter?

Wheelerdeeler · 02/07/2019 12:26

Go ahead and book your holiday abroad, send them the details and say how much the children would love it they joined ye - even for part of it.

Starfish28 · 02/07/2019 12:30

Do they not approve of you having a 3rd child? It seems pretty ridiculous and arbitrary. I would keep quiet, book your own family holiday and let it be. You can not change people, only the way you react. Don’t react and take all the opportunities to spend time such as weekend together.

HomeTheatreSystem · 02/07/2019 12:31

You asked upthread if there might be a reason: it's possible one or other of their hearing is now more sensitive to high pitched sounds like a baby crying or screaming, to the extent it actually causes pain. I know kids any age can and do cry but under 3s seem to hit a certain pitch that can be quite unbearable in this situation. Just a thought!

bridgetreilly · 02/07/2019 12:32

Is it oddly competitive to want your children to enjoy the same opportunities and have the same relationship with their grandparents as their cousins, or just natural?

It's oddly competitive. Most people really aren't keeping count like this.

Magicpaintbrush · 02/07/2019 12:32

What about suggesting a mini break in the UK - surely they could cope with 4 days away in Devon or something, it's much less involved than going abroad and then your other DC wouldn't feel like they were missing out?

GloGirl · 02/07/2019 12:37

By the same opportunities your In laws children also did not holiday with them under the age of 3.

I get why you're upset, it sounds like you really enjoyed these holidays. But you're not entitled to them.

Voice your disappointment, advise them that you feel like you're missing out and you can't afford 2 holidays a year and you are prioritising your one abroad. If they would like to spend a week with you in Cornwall or Wales you would love that, would they be able to cover the cost of the holiday home.

Loopytiles · 02/07/2019 12:37

In what ways are they “closer” and spending more time with SiL’s DCs?

Did they holiday with you or SiL when DC were tiny?

I don’t think they’re U not to want to holiday with three DC including a baby.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 02/07/2019 12:37

How many DC does SIL have? Is it possible that they aren't ok with you having a third DC? Not that its their business, but I've seen this happen with a few friends when having their third DC, it got better when the DC was there but really it was a judgement. May not be your ILs issue at all though.

Lycanthropology · 02/07/2019 12:41

Seems a bit of a random rule. I can’t understand where they’re coming from at all.

Did they do similar with your SIL and her family, though? If so, then it’s not unfair.

And to the people who said “I wouldn’t want to go on holiday with a baby” this isn’t a random strangers baby that’s suddenly been thrown on them, it’s their grandchild. If you’d feel the same about your own grandchildren (whether extant or future) then I feel sorry for them having you as a grandparent.

I’d love to have grandchildren to take on holiday... I look forward to it!

Gth1234 · 02/07/2019 12:41

Average temperature in the canaries in August is 27/28. The UK was hotter than the Canaries last summer. We don't have air conditioning at home and would abroad. Probably hold the call to Childline, we'll keep baby in the shade and air-conditioned apartment. 7 months isn't a newborn either.

It's a bit specious - very rarely is the UK hotter than Spain/France/Greece etc. Very rarely do we have stifling night time temperatures. It was hot here last week, but far far hotter a few hundred miles south. Perhaps the GPs have a point. That's all.

notacooldad · 02/07/2019 12:41

Is it oddly competitive to want your children to enjoy the same opportunities and have the same relationship with their grandparents as their cousins, or just natural?
Not everyones existences have to be identical. Even if they spent the same amount of time together doesnt mean they have the same relationship.
I can understand why they wouldnt want to go with a baby.
I would prefer to go when they are 3+ as well.
Yes I do think you are being weird about this and you are wrong to be insulted when I'm sure theres no offense meant.

SavingSpaces2019 · 02/07/2019 12:41

They have 4 holidays a year....and they won't even entertain the thought of sucking up a few days in order to spend time with their grandchildren.
That tells you that they're not actually interested in your kids - they're more interested in the performance of being great grandparents and in-laws.

It is just "their policy" they said
Of course it is
Narcissists enjoy this kind of game.
I think you need to drop the 'pil are wonderful people and we get on great' and see through their narcissistic exterior.

I would refuse to go away on holiday with them ever again.
I certainly wouldn't be feeling like my kids are missing out - they deserve better than narc grandparents.

notacooldad · 02/07/2019 12:43

If you’d feel the same about your own grandchildren (whether extant or future) then I feel sorry for them having you as a grandparent.
Dont be ridiculous and dramatic!!

MsMaisel · 02/07/2019 12:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jeezoh · 02/07/2019 12:44

Why can’t you just do a UK holiday with them until the baby is 3? Your first post reads to me like they have said they won’t go abroad, not that they do t holiday with you!

Total first world problem and you sound quite rigid about ensuring fairness. Being equal doesn’t always have to mean the exact same!

cheesytoasters · 02/07/2019 12:44

they are being really weird.

Are they forgetting it's their grandchild.

"Their policy"

Troels · 02/07/2019 12:45

I'd just book your own holiday to wherever you and Dh want to go. Leave them to their policies.

cheesytoasters · 02/07/2019 12:45

And "screaming baby" is not always the case.

Imo babies are easy....3 year olds on the other hand...!!!

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