To Feel Insulted by PIL holiday decision?

[LizzieLookAtTheFlowers]

We have a lovely relationship with DH's parents and have really enjoyed holidays with them every other year since our children turned 3 (we couldn't afford it before then). They alternate with SIL and family.

I am pregnant with our 3rd and next year is our 'turn' to holiday with in-laws. We enjoy holidaying alone, too, but the kids absolutely love their grandparents adding an extra dimension to the fun. We asked them about booking something and sent some options and they told DH they won't go abroad with us if we have a baby, or even an under 3, because they didn't when they had their children.

So we won't be holidaying with them for the next 4 years, which means our children will be missing out on time with their grandparents while they are young.

They will still go away with SIL in the meantime, and they have a much closer relationship with her children anyway, so I feel this is another way that our children miss out with them.

I don't really understand what they have against babies. I find babies easier than 3-year-olds (ours will be 7 months by the time the holiday comes around.) We will look after our own baby, who will be breastfed like the others, so will always be with me and we don't have to worry about sterilising or making up bottles etc, not that it would be their responsibility if we did. We do BLW so baby will just eat what we eat, and we are looking at the Canaries, which isn't exactly primitive - they sell nappies and everything! We will have separate apartments, so they won't be disturbed at night, and we don't ask them to do any babysitting while away (last time they offered and looked after the kids for a couple of hours once while we went for a drink, that is it and we didn't ask or expect even that, we wanted to all spend time together.)

I don't understand how us having a baby will impact on them. It will be our responsibility. They have 4 holidays a year, two of which are to very luxury locations, and they usually enjoy their holidays with the grandkids in contrast. So this wouldn't be their only chance for a break or anything.

Are they being weird or am I wrong to feel insulted that they think our baby would ruin their holiday enough that they won't entertain the idea and miss out on time with their other two grandchildren for years to come?

Just a little louder for those in the back PIL DO NOT PAY FOR US. WE PAY OUR OWN WAY. I AM NOT PISSED OFF BECAUSE WE AREN'T GETTING A FREE HOLIDAY, WE ALWAYS PAY FOR IT OURSELVES.

@strippingthevelvet think you misunderstood. DH wants to talk to PIL later because he said he was blindside by them earlier and didn't know what to say because it was awkward, but I said I am going to tell him NOT to, even though I really would like to know their reasons.

MsMaisel sheesh, are you always this nasty. The OP clearly states that they pay for their own hols. No need to start calling people names. Just rein in your nasty. Deal with your internal issues yourself and stop using MN as an anonymous forum in which to make yourself feel better by putting others down.

Sorry if I've missed it, but how old are your older two? Could GPs take just them on holiday and you and DH stay behind or go on your own holiday with baby?

You’re drip feeding OP.

So you/DH and SiL(and her H) live locally to the ILs, but the ILs prioritise providing childcare to SiL, and this annoys you and DH?

Can understand why that is difficult. Has your H explained to his parents how he feels about it? Are there any factors meaning that SiL needs more help?

I think a baby does change the dynamic though even if you think it wont be much required of other people. Their policy is weird but it's their choice how they choose to spend a holiday and essentially their money.

Why would you discourage DH from being open about his feelings with his parents?

Hi OP, I understand why you feel upset/disappointed and I don’t think you are unreasonable to feel this way.

Perhaps your DH could revisit the issue for more info as the decision, something along the lines of gently saying ‘Mum, Dad, I told Lizzie about your thoughts on not holiday abroad with us for the next 4 years and we were both sad about it. We aren’t looking forward to telling our children either - they love you so much and I think they will be really disappointed. Could you tell me more about why you feel this way? Is there something we can change to make it work? We love this 1:1 time with you and as a son and father I would be sorry to lose it.”

And see what they say

Do they think that they are being "fair" to the baby as they didn't holiday with the others until they were 3?

It's really up to them though & if you usually get on well & they will still be seeing the GCs I think that you are making far too much of it.

Go with your mum.

But I do not ask because I know how much MIL has to do for SIL and her 91 year old mum and I know that because she has committed to those things it would be too much to look after our DD as well. But I feel sad for DD that in laws would rather spend time with her cousins and money for someone else to look after her. Apparently that makes me oddly competitive

Your SIL had kids first, I'm guessing. Your MIL minds them. She cannot physically mind yours too and you can hardly have expected her to ditch the SILs kids when yours came along. They give money towards your dd's nursery cost which is not obligatory. You appreciate that your MIL has a shit load on her hands caring for kids and elderly parent. And yet you think that means she prefers spending time with the cousins? She obviously has a long standing arrangement with SIL to mind her kids. SIL asks for and gets extra babysitting. You don't ask so you don't get. I bet if SIL didn't ask for weekend babysitting, the inlaws wouldn't be rushing to offer. Why don't you ask them to take yours for a Saturday night sleepover once in a while? You can't complain just because they don't offer. If they outright refuse any time you ask then I'd say you have cause to be pissed off.

I'm sorry but I honestly think it's a non issue, it's not like they will never see their grandparents again. I do find it all rather dramatic when it doesn't need to be and you really shouldn't take it personally, as you said, you have a good relationship with them normally.

They don't want to go abroad with a baby, fair enough, that's their choice... I wouldn't be insulted especially if they wouldn't normally go on holiday with a baby. You can love babies and not want one on your holiday. And your other children will survive not being on holiday with them for a few years, unless their grandparents are less nice to them than the SILS they will get over it, isn't there something else that can be done all together instead? Trips out, weekends with them? Just suggest it? I know you say you feel they are too busy with SILS kids but if you don't ask you don't get. My MIL is always with my SILS kids but they live close and they have that sort of relationship, doesn't bother my DP or me as we know she adores our child too and does what she can.

I personally wouldn't want to go abroad with a baby, I think it's pointless and not worth the hassle, we are waiting until ours is a bit older so she can enjoy it with us more.

I think you need to let this go.

You shouldn't tell DH not to talk to them. He will just bottle the resentment and it will affect the relationship. Much better to have it out, preferably calmly and respectfully. He needs to know their reasons and they need to know he's not happy. It's not fair anyone otherwise.

It's not the only time you see them though, on holiday is it? A few years without going abroad with them isn't going to impact your children's relationship with them at all so I don't see where the resentment is coming from there. You've said they've never gone abroad with any of their grandchild as babies!

It's not your in-laws fault that your mother works full-time. Stop keeping a mental list of every minute your in-laws spend with your children's cousins, and weighing it up against your own! Maybe they've got tired after 7 years of providing 2 days a week of childcare as well as caring duties. You are not losing out here.

@Ms Maisey

They won't notice unless you make a point of it. It's worrying that your obsession with your MIL treating her grandkids all exactly the same (which she actually is doing, at least in terms of holidays) is so noticeable that your kids have picked up on it.

Um... no. They notice when their grandparents and cousins are on holiday for 2 weeks together, because they have eyes and ears and brains. We all live close to each other, and they talk about their lives together.

As for being surprised about taking a baby on holiday, think we'll probably manage, we are old and ugly enough to know we won't be sipping pina coladas and sunbathing all day, but thanks for your condescension anyway.

Is it oddly competitive to want your children to enjoy the same opportunities and have the same relationship with their grandparents as their cousins, or just natural?

In the gentlest possible way OP, I think it's wholly unrealistic. And this is the basis on which a lot of in-law problems start. The same is often also true from the perspective of paternal grandparents, who so often complain that the maternal grandparents spend more time with the grandchildren than they do.

I just see this as the natural order of things. Daughters don't have the same relationships with their mothers as daughters-in-law do. It's such a completely different relationship that it simply wouldn't be possible. But I accept that's easy for me to say, as the very idea of holidaying with my in-laws would fill me with horror (and would happen at about the same time hell freezes over).

If the cousins are aware of any blatant favouritism or scapegoating this can be very damaging, and in these circumstances I'd favour limiting contact. In other circumstances I've found it works simply to accept the relationship on the terms on which it's offered. This is enough, rather than concerning myself with what other people are doing. It's like comparing beetles with oranges. And in-law relationships are one situation in which comparison really can be the thief of joy.

Enjoy your future holidays - on your terms. You might find you prefer it!

Maybe they think babies change the dynamic of holidays which I can understand. You have to worry about changing nappies, feeding, they can’t really join in with the activities, if they have colic or whatever they’ll cry a lot. All sorts of reasons.

I agree that babies are easier than toddlers but clearly other people do not. Just go on holiday yourselves.

To those who have pointed out I shouldn't discourage DH from talking to them, you are right, if that is what he wants to do I won't stand in his way.

@Drum2018 Your SIL had kids first, I'm guessing.

No, actually we had kids first and SIL wasn't far behind. So the rest of your post doesn't stack up because of that incorrect assumption. They offered SIL childcare but didn't offer us, then it increased to 2 days instead of them offering the other day to us. But I'm not supposed to care. DH didn't want to cause a fuss and said his sister was taking the piss and he didn't want to be like her. I don't think she was taking the piss just accepting help where it was available.

Why shouldn't your dh ask his parents? I don't see why it would inevitably be acrimonious or end in a world war.

I'd've asked my parents and they'd've answered, and then not only would I have known why, but they would have known that they were wanted, that having them with us on holiday was a pleasure not an imposition. It may not have made a difference to the situation but it would have left then with a warm cuddly feeling

Let him talk to his parents if he wants to, there's no need for everything to be a fight. Some families just talk.

So your PIL provide childcare to some of their GC, contribute towards the cost of childcare for your DC, provide care for their own 91 old parent, and you post on MN to ask whether you should feel "insulted" as they don't want to travel abroad with a young baby on top of other children for a holiday?

You really shouldn't feel insulted was your PIL however, I would feel insulted by your post and your thinking. If your DH contacts them to specifically tell them he feels "blindsided" and upset by them, it would, IMO be ungrateful, rude and a bit self centred.

The whole point of a holiday (to me anyway) is that it should be enjoyable, a break from the routine and relaxing. Babies don't always help with that It's not personal, they're aren't saying it's your baby that's a problem, it's just babies generally. And they can be stressful, just look at half of the MN threads

Your PIL do shitloads for their family already.
Please don't moan to them that it's not enough. I would be incredibly hurt in their position.

Is it oddly competitive to want your children to enjoy the same opportunities and have the same relationship with their grandparents as their cousins, or just natural?

Yes. It is.

This is a huge over reaction and you sound like a drama llama.

So you all live near each other / see each other . So your kids will see their grandparents quite a lot.

So we won't be holidaying with them for the next 4 years, which means our children will be missing out on time with their grandparents while they are young

You can't really say this OP. Not having holidays together doesn't mean the kids never see them at all. Believe it or not, some children never holiday with their grandparents - I never did, my kids never did, and we all survived fine. I'd say move on, have your own holidays and stop stressing about a non problem .

I understand that you don't want your children to miss out on opportunities to spend time with their grand parents. After the age of seven my sister and I would spend a week(not at the same time) with my grandparents and we would have trips out, or take the dog for a long walk. I was very close to my Gran and have great memories of making packed lunches and making ginger beer.

Perhaps you could arrange something like this outside your family holiday.

I'm team PIL. Sounds like they've damn well earned some holiday time.
They don't want to go abroad with a baby.
So go in the UK.

And if your kids complain tell them you'll go abroad when the baby is older. No drama.