To Feel Insulted by PIL holiday decision?

[LizzieLookAtTheFlowers]

We have a lovely relationship with DH's parents and have really enjoyed holidays with them every other year since our children turned 3 (we couldn't afford it before then). They alternate with SIL and family.

I am pregnant with our 3rd and next year is our 'turn' to holiday with in-laws. We enjoy holidaying alone, too, but the kids absolutely love their grandparents adding an extra dimension to the fun. We asked them about booking something and sent some options and they told DH they won't go abroad with us if we have a baby, or even an under 3, because they didn't when they had their children.

So we won't be holidaying with them for the next 4 years, which means our children will be missing out on time with their grandparents while they are young.

They will still go away with SIL in the meantime, and they have a much closer relationship with her children anyway, so I feel this is another way that our children miss out with them.

I don't really understand what they have against babies. I find babies easier than 3-year-olds (ours will be 7 months by the time the holiday comes around.) We will look after our own baby, who will be breastfed like the others, so will always be with me and we don't have to worry about sterilising or making up bottles etc, not that it would be their responsibility if we did. We do BLW so baby will just eat what we eat, and we are looking at the Canaries, which isn't exactly primitive - they sell nappies and everything! We will have separate apartments, so they won't be disturbed at night, and we don't ask them to do any babysitting while away (last time they offered and looked after the kids for a couple of hours once while we went for a drink, that is it and we didn't ask or expect even that, we wanted to all spend time together.)

I don't understand how us having a baby will impact on them. It will be our responsibility. They have 4 holidays a year, two of which are to very luxury locations, and they usually enjoy their holidays with the grandkids in contrast. So this wouldn't be their only chance for a break or anything.

Are they being weird or am I wrong to feel insulted that they think our baby would ruin their holiday enough that they won't entertain the idea and miss out on time with their other two grandchildren for years to come?

@msmaisel Stop being so grabby and entitled. You're jealous that your SIL has a closer relationship to her MIL, but you don't seem to be doing anything to facilitate or pursue a closer relationship with her yourself? (But happy to take her money and holidays.)

Wind your neck in. It is SIL's mother of course she is closer to her. It is the disparity in how she treats and prioritises her daughter's children over her son's.

We pay our own way, thanks. We don't accept 'her holidays'. It actually costs us more to go on holiday with FIL as he insists on more upmarket places than we choose when going alone.

It actually costs us more to go on holiday with FIL as he insists on more upmarket places than we choose when going alone.

So there’s your solution - use the money you save by going abroad without the ILs to go on another holiday in the UK with them?

Your FIL cried non stop when we told him this one was coming as he thought there would be no more ? What? Are you just a breeding machine to him? That sounds weirder than them not wanting holidays with a baby.

I suspect they find going away rather exhausting with young children, and can see it will be worse if one of you is tied up with a baby.

I saw this in my family. Couldn't work out why GA was so exhausted after going on holiday with her family. I assumed she loved it, as whenever she booked a holiday her dd and family went too, or if her dd booked a holiday, she was asked to join them.

Then one time her dd had booked and holiday and GA wasn't available and her dd had a right strop saying she couldn't cope on holiday on her own. (with husband, and 2 dc)

I raised eyebrows and pointed out we'd been on holiday since our 3 dc were baby, toddler and infant school.
Then GA told me what she did:
Arrived the first day, did all the shopping for week, made up beds etc. Her dd and family arrived on day 2. Every day GA would do breakfast for the dc while her dd had a lie in or went off to have breakfast out with her dh. She'd make up pack lunches, then spend the day with the family (I suspect doing a lot of the child care), come back, clean up from pack lunches and make dinner. Then she'd settle the children in bed and wash up...
The dd and family then left a day early, leaving all the cleaning up at the end of the week.

I told GA it wasn't fair on her dd and family, because at some point (she's in her 70s) she wouldn't be able to do as much, and it would be a huge shock for them. That gave her the courage to say no. She laid down the law and gave a timetable of who was doing which meal/washing up (including the children who are now 10 and 13). I suspect strops were had, but GA came back having had a much nicer time and nothing like so tired.

This sounds too good to be true to me! But I get that you actually enjoy holidays with your in-laws so ok.

Personally and I love babies, I wouldn’t have the same kind of fun on a holiday that featured 3 young babies/toddlers, particularly if I felt obliged to help which I absolutely would if they were my grandchildren, so I would not care too much about this slight.

why if it wasn't your baby and you wouldn't have any responsibility for it and it wouldn't be staying in your apartment you would have a problem?

I had to go on holiday with my now-ex and his sister when she had a baby about 7m old and it was a bloody nightmare. Everything we did, or rather didn't do, had to be timed around naps and feed time.

There were two older kids (DSS and 'nephew') who needed their holiday too and trying to tie all three needs up was impossible not to mention me not feeling like I was getting a holiday. Couldn't go for walks, couldn't be out in the sun long, baby got bored on the beach (while the older boys were loving their swimming etc), restaurants and tea rooms were impossible (the former due to meals taking too long for baby who would get bored and fretful and the latter due to small spaces and pushchair) and so on.

It was just annoying. I'd personally not want to be on holiday with someone else's baby again.

Well I'd be tempted to tell them they won't be expected to help with the baby, and you'll be going anyway. You really hope they're reconsider because your older two will miss them dreadfully. See if that makes a difference. Go anyway regardless.

Take the home holiday, still get a break, kids get to spend time with grandparents. You're really lucky to get a lovely paid holiday via them, so I wouldn't worry to much that they have a few rules. Probably old school ideas of when they were parents. Just enjoy, there are some amazing places to go in own country? Uk? America?

YABU by getting your husband to push later. The only thing that will achieve is more bad feeling. Every reason they come up with will be met with But But But it's not a problem because.

Babies are lovely. But it's plain as day that someone without a baby does not want to throw hundreds of pounds on a holiday where they can't put a cuppa tea at their ankle and has to wait every farts turn for a nappy to be changed or a screaming babe to be shushed.

I would forget about the holiday issue and have a think about ways to strengthen the relationship more generally. It isn't uncommon for parents to be closer to their daughters, but I think this is often because women are better at fostering relationships than men. Of course this is a generalisation and there will be exceptions, but often daughters are better at remembering birthdays and anniversaries, keeping in touch, proactively making arrangements etc. Perhaps if your DH focused on engaging with his parents more and inviting them to do more things they would be closer to your children? Instead of getting the hump about the holidays how about he discusses with them what alternatives would work for them to spend more time with the kids. Perhaps they could come round for dinner once a week? Could they support you by taking the older kids for sleepovers? Maybe they are waiting to be asked because they don't want to impose themselves.

@Iwannaseehowthisends Why should she thank her lucky stars? ILs have prioritised one set of grandchildren over another but don't want to feel bad about it so contribute to nursery fees. I get the impression OP would prefer they spent time rather than money.
I fully expect to be told that no one owes childcare to their DCs but if you help out one, you really should help both.

Thank you. I agree nobody is owed childcare. They do not 'pay for my child to go to nursery' as others have stated. They pay for one PM session, we pay for the rest as we should as she is our DD. In laws offered the money to DH because they were fully aware that they have given their daughter 7 years of free childcare 2 days a week.

I would indeed much rather the time was given because my DD would prefer being with her grandparents than yet another afternoon at nursery. But I do not ask because I know how much MIL has to do for SIL and her 91 year old mum and I know that because she has committed to those things it would be too much to look after our DD as well. But I feel sad for DD that in laws would rather spend time with her cousins and money for someone else to look after her. Apparently that makes me oddly competitive.

We chose to move from London to live near DH's parents in Kent and they were over the moon. My mum would give anything to spend more time with her grandkids but still has to work full time. That certainly impacts how I feel about the situation too.

*she’d lose childcare

I'm with the in laws. I wouldn't want to go away with a baby.

Hadn't read the rest, I can't delete my first comment.

Maybe a local holiday for you all?

by staying in the UK, you are also being green, so it's win-win.

I get it, I don't want to go on holiday with my own baby. It changes everything, nappy changes , naps, feeds etc. A three year old is just a small fun person to hang around with, babies dominate a schedule, it's a different trip. We've booked to go away September next year, by which point DS will be nearly two that's the youngest I would contemplate and wouldn't blame others for feeling similarly

I adore my friend and my brother but I no longer holiday with them because of their v young children. When they are older and not a fear or a faff we will go on holiday with them again.
I don’t mind if they are offended by this decision as I cannot affect how they feel. I do have to do what is right for me and my kids and I couldn’t enjoy myself as much with a baby around.
Additionally I’d feel guilty and constrained and possibly roped into looking after others which isn’t my idea of fun.

Sounds like they do absolutely loads as Grandparents, more than most. Perhaps cut them some slack. If they dont want to travel and holiday with a baby, thats their choice. They even contribute to your daughter having an extra day at nursery and you see this as a bad thing!?

It's quite evident that the grandparents do love you all and that is lovely. They've also never gone on holiday with a baby before, so you are definitely not being singled out there. They have a preference which they are more than entitled to.

OP, you do come across quite competitive here and as though you have a chip on your shoulder. All this nonsense of your children being treated differently I imagine is in your head because you are constantly keeping tabs and looking for issues. I can bet that they love all their grandchildren the same. If you stop this oh woe is me attitude you'll find you'll make life easier for yourself.

If you are unable to holiday with them this time, don't let it cause an issue. Instead facilitate other times to see them and spend time with them. You are fortunate to have a good family around you, stop looking for problems and enjoy them. No one is out to hurt you or treat your children differently. If you want to see them more, it's absolutely fine for you to make more effort and ask to see them.

You also need to stop making up scenarios in your head. You sister in law is their daughter, she will always have a different relationship with them in comparison to you. However, it does not mean your children are loved any less than hers, you are seriously being petty and picking at issues to find reasons to be annoyed and as though your children are hard done by - they are not.

In your own words, they have continuously shown they also care for their sons children and offered things to you - the same as their daughter. If you don't wish to take them you cannot hold it against them. This attitude of yours is going to cause problems for your husband and his parents if you don't stop the hard done by nonsense.

Let this go, stop looking for problems, stop comparing and keeping tabs and enjoy what you do have.

pinkyredrose this isn't 'some baby'. This is their grandchild ffs. They have 4 hols a year, at least 2 of them luxury and 1 is a family holiday. This suggests the GP want to spend time as GP, with family. So why am under 3 is so difficult for them makes no sense.

by staying in the UK, you are also being green, so it's win-win.

So we can assume you never go abroad then? Right.