AIBU - What would you have done?

[TheQueensCorgi]

Name changed. Meeting at work (large company, very big on rights for all) and at the end we shook hands with others. I was the only woman in the room and when I got to a man (not white), I put out my hand and he said ‘Sorry I don’t shake hands with women’, and walked off.

I kind of stood there not really knowing what to do next, a few of the men who had overheard still in the room said he never shakes hands for religious reasons.

What would you have done? Would you brush this off? I felt like a second class citizen and quite embarrassed. Should I just be accepting of the fact this was his view or do I have the right to be annoyed ?

Yanbu to feel that way. He way rude and unprofessional but he will get away with it due to his 'religious beliefs'.

This is why we don’t offer our hands first in my industry. I work with many people who cannot shake hands with women for religious purposes. He said sorry, and it’s true he doesn’t; what did you want him to do?

It’s not personal to you.

I wouldn’t like this either but don’t think there’s much you can do really......

If he was considerate, he would have declined to shake hands with anyone.

If he doesn't shake hands with women, he shouldn't shake hands with anyone.

Wouldn't have bothered me at all, I wouldn't have taken it personally whatsoever, it's a Muslim religious action (or non action) to avoid any attraction connotation.

I dont shake hands with men for the same reason. Never bothered anyone before.

I also dont do cheek kisses to anyone as i just dont like them...

He apologised and explained why he wouldn't shake your hand. He was hardly rude.
You have the right to feel however you like about it just as he has the right to his religious beliefs (assuming he's not harming anyone else).

This has happened to me. I just ignored it at the time but was a bit ‘wtf just happened’ afterwards.

I would have said what about a high five or fist bump then.

Your company should have some kind of policy on this to avoid women feeling like second class citizens due to someone's religious beliefs.
It's totally unacceptable imo. Discriminatory, sexist, belittling and bloody rude.

atlas is correct by the way

Thanks for the replies. I think if he had declined shaking anyone’s hand then I wouldn’t have felt offended. I was missed out because I am a woman.

He isn’t married as far as I am aware, he is quite young maybe 22?

I couldn’t have said I felt he was rude if related to his religious beliefs. But on the other hand I felt it was rude and disrespectful but because I don’t have a religious reason for feeling like that it couldn’t be acknowledged. One of the other men commented he was rude to treat me as less as I am female, I didn’t comment back as no doubt I would have been hauled over the coals and told I needed to respect his religion.

I've had similar happen to me.
It was actually a religious leader who stopped a teenager from shaking my hand due to the fact that I was a woman and it was against their beliefs.
I felt really offended at the time and I discussed it with my manager, and I considered raising it with the religious leader. In the end I didn't, as I felt it was a difficult situation for me to argue.
I still don't know where I stand on this! Part of me still feels it's really rude but the other part of me thinks people's religious views should be respected. Really difficult!

Not just Muslim - most orthodox Jewish men aren't allowed to touch women who aren't their wives. It annoys me, personally, in a situation where someone is shaking everyone else's hands. Would be more polite and inclusive for that person to decline to shake hands at all, IMO

The truth is, you do need to respect his religious beliefs. You don't have to like it (and I'd feel similarly miffed in your shoes) but you do have to accept it in the workplace.

I agree that if he doesn't shake hands with women he shouldn't shake hands with anyone, but you can't enforce something like that.

I really don’t think he intended to be rude in terms of the lack of hand shake. I have worked with with several people from the Middle East and we could have a very good working relationship, we just would not shake hands. I think I ended up nodding my head in greeting /goodbye instead. As a reference, a Middle Eastern women (very senior) would not shake my male colleagues’ hands, but was happy to shake mine...

I think treating someone differently at work because they a woman is discrimination. I don't think personal beliefs trump someone else's rights not to be discriminated against.

If women are so bad to touch then I think uf someone feels that strongly then they should either work in an industry where they are very unlikely to come across them or work from home etc or just come up with an excuse not to shake anyones hand - I've made my excuses before when I've had a burn on my hand or a bad cold or something.

Bottom line treating sexes differently in a professional situation is wrong

Agree he shouldn’t shake hands with anyone.

I’ve seen this happen from a woman to a male colleague, I don’t like it and think it is v backwards and detracts from what is peaceful and loving religion.

Yes I know, and I did put up with it (didn’t cause a scene), but as a woman I feel it is wrong, religious belief or not. It made me feel less because I am a female.

Sometimes we think the world has moved on, but this made me feel we have not, i will not be the only person in the company who has felt like this, but as usual we shut up and put up.

My beliefs mean I treat everyone as an equal. I am married and have shook countless men and women’s hands. Religious views or not, my view is he was rude and disrespectful.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. He obviously shouldn’t be expected to do something which goes against his religious beliefs and it sounds like he was reasonably polite in telling you he didn’t shake hands. If he was rude that’s one thing, but it doesn’t sound like he was.

I totally appreciate that in the moment you felt singled out and I get why that’s upsetting. But sometimes rights and feelings come into conflict with each other, and I think in this case it was his presumably sincerely held religious belief which has to be prioritised.

I understand and I would have been thrown as well.

However I'd be pretty confident that the reason isn't that he views you (and me, and other women) as second class citizens but that for religious reasons he doesn't touch women? Which I understand is quite normal for some men of different faiths?

I would joke and suggest we knock elbows or something similarly awkward but I wouldn't dwell on this. It's just a shame some faiths are so prohibitive.

If a man cant treat women equally why does any company employ him ?

There has been exactly the same thread a long while back and I had never heard of it before. But it would not bother me in the slightest, it wasn't personal, I would not expect someone to break his beliefs in order to make me feel better.