AIBU - What would you have done?

[TheQueensCorgi]

Name changed. Meeting at work (large company, very big on rights for all) and at the end we shook hands with others. I was the only woman in the room and when I got to a man (not white), I put out my hand and he said ‘Sorry I don’t shake hands with women’, and walked off.

I kind of stood there not really knowing what to do next, a few of the men who had overheard still in the room said he never shakes hands for religious reasons.

What would you have done? Would you brush this off? I felt like a second class citizen and quite embarrassed. Should I just be accepting of the fact this was his view or do I have the right to be annoyed ?

But why must his values trump hers? They're in a professional environment, in England, where hand shaking is a part of our culture. He shook the men's hands. The OP does not have the same faith, she may be Christian, atheist, whatever, why must she be the one to be treated as the pariah in the room? It singles her out. There is a middle ground here. And for me it's for those who say they can't touch the opposite sex, decide they don't touch anyone to remain fair.

YANBU. It may 'religion' that stops him shaking hands with women, but it will also stop him respecting women in every other situation too. Don't kid yourself otherwise.

But religion trumps sex equality, unfortunately.

I’m an optometrist and always used to shake hands with patients at the end of an appointment.
I had a few Muslim men who didn’t feel comfortable shaking hands with me and that was fine as they were my client, rather than my patient.
However having thought about it from the other side, I don’t think that anyone should be compelled to have physical contact with anyone else independent of their reasons for doing so.,

@YetAnotherSpartacus for god sake. Many other cultures do not touch the opposite sex unless they are married. Look it up, learn and respect their culture. No one should be made to touch anyone

It was rude, he could have greeted you courteously without a hand shake, just saying that and walking off was ill mannered.

But he accepts the handshake culture as long as it is shaking hands with men? You know, showing his equality with them but refusing to accept the culture of a handshake being a gender neutral greetings g.

@avalanching his values trump hers in this instance, because I cant imagine any court forcing anyone to touch anyone. The law is totally on his side

@Bandara go on then, find my post where I said somebody should be forced to touch someone. You won't be because I have not said that.

It may 'religion' that stops him shaking hands with women, but it will also stop him respecting women in every other situation too.
I would say this was highly unlikely to be true. There are shitty men in every religion, some of them shake hands and some don’t.

@Bandara but as I say the answer here isn't for him to discriminate against her, he should have refused to shake anyone's hands, that's the only way it would be fair to either. Homosexuality isn't accepted by some cultures, would we all be so forgiving if he had refused to shake a man's hand for being gay? Or for refusing to do business with someone for being gay?

his religion is a choice

the polite and professional thing to do would be to decline handshakes with everyone.

Its a tough one. Lots of comments on here about respecting his religion, belief, culture etc. But as often bugs me about this kind of thing, why must one respect his belief that a woman is inferior and must not be treated equally or is an evil temptress (via a handshake?).

If he encountered an openly gay bloke or a black guy at the meeting and refused to shake his hand there would be uproar.

So is there a hierarchy of equality? Muslim trumps female? Perhaps it sticks in our throats more as we are more often on the sh1tty end of the stick - ignorance of privilege and all that?

But he accepts the handshake culture as long as it is shaking hands with men?
I accept communal changing rooms (ie one big room not cubicles) if they are single sex but not mixed. My body my choice.

If he cannot shake hands with a woman then he cannot shake hands with a man in a professional/business setting. It is simple and polite to bow and say "actually I don't shake hands" to everyone. It is exclusionary and mysoginistic (and lets face it we all know why his religioun doesn't want him to touch a woman - because she is defined solely by her sexuality to him - nothing else). If he hasn't the manners or sense to realise he shouldn't be shaking hands with anyone if he can't shake hands with 50 percent of the people then HR should explain it to him. Imagine someone saying "I don't touch muslims - it is my religion" and refusing to shake hands with a muslim man while shaking hands with a christian man - no one would tolerate it for a second.

Mike Pence is exactly the same. He won't have dinner with a female alone even if it is about work/business/politics etc - he needs his wife there in case he forgets himself and jumps on her. He claims it is about his religion. bullshit. It is about othering women and defining them solely by their genitals. If he was a decent man and really felt that, he would simply refuse to have dinner with anyone alone ever - male or female. Amazing how this never occurs to these religious men. Amazing how othering and excluding women always seems the most obvious response.

I think that what is wrong is that his response to you was 'I don't shake hands for religious reasons' not 'I don't shake hands with women ' . I think that this is discriminatory and that if he won't shake a woman's hand, he shouldn't shake anyone's hand.

I am pretty sure this is not the case for all Muslim men.

I don't like the position you are in, but I don't know what to suggest.

And it's ludicrous how people are using "culture" as a reason to defend sexist behaviour, think of all the accepted cultural behaviour that was accepted decades ago- marital rape, racial segregation or how about FGM in other societies? Society progresses, we shouldn't hide behind cultural differences when it's discriminatory.

@Bandara
Answer please

I accept communal changing rooms (ie one big room not cubicles) if they are single sex but not mixed. My body my choice.

How is this the same thing? No one needs to shake hands. It is no loss if you don't shake hands with men and women. It is simply being polite and inclusive.

why must one respect his belief that a woman is inferior and must not be treated equally or is an evil temptress (via a handshake?).
That’s not the belief that’s your interpretation. Do you think Muslim women who don’t shake hands with men, think the men are inferior and tempters?

Given the number of times I have seen people walking out of public loos without washing their hands, I would happily do away with handshakes altogether.

Sorry - my post doesn't make sense- I meant it the other way round. He should have said 'I don't shake hands for religious reasons' NOT 'I don't shake hands with women '

If someone doesnt want to shake hands with a particular group in a normal business setting then they should not shake anybody's hand. This should be part of company orientation for all new starters (and communicated to existing employees).

I can't believe people are condoning this behaviour. His religious beliefs also say that gay people should be stoned.....should we really be accepting of this. If I had a meeting and someone refused to shake my hand due to my colour as their religious beliefs didn't accept black people as equal they would be hauled up on hate crime charges.

I think talk to HR. There should be a policy in place about this sort of thing. Would seem sensible to me that the man should treat men and women the same in this setting and accordingly doesn't shake hands with anyone. Does your company have a good/strong HR department?