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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DD hasn't come home - AIBU?

373 replies

Ineedhelptocope · 30/06/2019 03:13

DD went to London on train to attend an event with some people I dont know/have never met. She doesnt know them very well either. She is 20. I have very few house rules/expectations from her but one that is very important for me and agreed as a family is to have the courtesy to let someone know if anyone is not coming home so we are not worrying. She bloody knows this. I have sent her a text and just tried to call but getting no response. She has done this before and swore blind she wouldn't do it again. Even I let my DH know if I am going to stay at a friends and ditto him. I get she is an adult but while she lives here under my roof she knows it is a basic expectation. She can do want the hell she wants when she leaves home. I am so fucking mad at her right now. Am I asking to much of her? I genuinely dont know anymore.

OP posts:
DustyMaiden · 30/06/2019 03:16

My DD went to London tonight on a train. People were fainting, they got put on a train going in wrong direction got back very late.

babbi · 30/06/2019 03:17

No you are not asking too much .. it’s basic respect and consideration to let you know that she is ok ..

I’m sure she’ll be fine do try not to worry but have serious words with her when she comes home ...

doxxed · 30/06/2019 03:18

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

avamiah · 30/06/2019 03:22

Hi OP,
I’m in London and I believe there were a few events going on earlier, plus it’s been the hottest day ever so she has probably stayed over at a friends house .

Original poster
Ineedhelptocope · 30/06/2019 03:25

I really have no issue with her staying out.... I would just like for her to just let me know. She doesn't have any friends in London. Last train back was just after midnight... it's an hours journey. She would have then cycled back from train station which is a few miles away.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/06/2019 03:29

You are in NO way asking too much. My daughter is the same age, and of course she is able to do whatever she wants to, but she ALWAYS lets me know if she is going to be much later than expected or if she's decided to stay out all night. Her age has nothing to do with it. It's basic courtesy. A call or text only takes a few seconds, so there is no excuse not to get in touch.

cantfindname · 30/06/2019 03:32

My one and only house rule was that my kids always let me know if they were not coming home. I was lucky in that they all followed it.

I can imagine all too well all the awful thoughts in your mind right now but I am sure she is OK. Just caught up in the moment and forgotten to switch her phone on. PPs are right, today's heat has been hard on people and she has probably crashed out with a friend until it's cooler to travel in the morning.

Try to get some sleep and not worry.

Original poster
Ineedhelptocope · 30/06/2019 03:36

She suffered a horrific sexual assault at the hands of someone she met in a bar two year ago so I am not sure of that is clouding my judgement.

OP posts:
avamiah · 30/06/2019 03:40

Ineedhelptocope,
But you said she went to London with people she knew ?

Original poster
Ineedhelptocope · 30/06/2019 03:45

She barely knows them @avamiah.

OP posts:
avamiah · 30/06/2019 03:50

Ineedhelptocope,
Ok,maybe she just told you that she doesn’t know them very well ?

OwlBeThere · 30/06/2019 03:50

I would be part angry, part worried sick. i'm sure she's fine and has done as you say. young people can be so thoughtless, they just don't consider that you are at home worrying about her!

PregnantSea · 30/06/2019 04:02

Sounds like it's time for your daughter to move out. Once she's home safe and sound I'd have a chat with her about this and put a plan in place for her to leave, with a move out day that she has to stick to. I don't know what the background is as to why she's living at home with you but I'm presuming it stems from her needing your financial support in some way? This goes hand in hand with her respecting you and your home, and following very basic ground rules. She's shown you that she isn't capable of doing that so I would say it's time for her to go. I'm sure she'd be happier as well as she gets to be independent and doesn't have to worry about letting her mum know her plans for the night. Long term it's a win-win for everyone.

In the meantime, no, I don't think you're being unreasonable. I'd be very worried if I was you. It's extremely immature and selfish to just bugger off without letting you know that she's staying out. It takes a few seconds to send a text. You must be worried sick OP x

Original poster
Ineedhelptocope · 30/06/2019 04:06

they just don't consider that you are at home worrying about her

We have had a MASSIVE row about it before. I had suggested to her that if she doesn't agree or want to respect my feelings around it then she knows where the door is which freaked her out a bit. I genuinely dont have any issues with how she chooses to live her life while living at home [within reason - I would not tolerate any activities around drugs] She absolutely understands why this can cause concern and worry as I have explained very clearly after the last episode and she could see how pissed off I was. This is why I am so surprised she has done it yet again. Even my DH [her stepdad] is annoyed with her and he is usually very laid back over things like this and doesn't tend to get involved. Oh I don't know..... maybe I am B a bit U.

OP posts:
Seeingadistance · 30/06/2019 04:10

I’d be worried rather than angry, tbh.

Hope she’s ok.

OwlBeThere · 30/06/2019 04:11

My only concern is that something has happened and thats why shes not home. other than that i don't at all think its unreasonable of you to want to be told shes not coming home.

Iwantdoesntget · 30/06/2019 04:18

I would message her to say you just want to know she’s ok, and leave it at that. She’s 20, and whilst I’m sure she intended to come home, fun stuff happens. If she gets a text that’s difficult to answer she won’t reply.

But In the event something awful has happened you can’t do much until you know sadly. Hope you get some sleep

expat101 · 30/06/2019 04:21

Is her mobile on ''find my phone'' app? you could use that to see where it is, to get an indication of where she might be

Brandyb · 30/06/2019 04:21

I voted you are not being unreasonable but then I thought again. Maybe she has just got caught up in her night, phone died, very probably nothing to worry about. You can't really do much about it, other than go to bed and hope you get a response in the morning. She might be having a formative experience :-) remember them?

I totally disagree with PregnantSea about kicking her out - she is 20 and she happens to live at home, for whatever reason - rules between adults are still negotiated. Maybe she is doing drugs and didn't think you'd want to know? Because it's forbidden she can't talk about it? Is it so unforgivable at 20? Lots of us experimented, enjoyed, left it behind as a good memory?
I think you need to rethink your rules and let her go. Then she'll return. Go to sleep

avamiah · 30/06/2019 04:34

Let’s be honest here, we are talking about a grown woman age 20 years old ?
It’s not great that she hasn’t rang OP and her phone is off but that’s “life”.
It’s still early ( clubs etc ) in London so I don’t think in my opinion that there is a huge cause for concern yet ??

Original poster
Ineedhelptocope · 30/06/2019 04:38

@Brandyb
She doesn't do drugs
Her phone is not dead
Unless a 'formative experience' has put her in a coma I cannot think of anything that would render her incapable of sending a text.

I think you need to rethink your rules
Family rules are no drugs in the house and let someone know if you are not coming home. I am not sure how I can rethink these. Maybe you are a lot more relaxed about this sort of thing compared to most.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ineedhelptocope · 30/06/2019 04:43

Let’s be honest here, we are talking about a grown woman age 20 years old ?

Do things not happen to grown women then?

It’s still early ( clubs etc ) in London so I don’t think in my opinion that there is a huge cause for concern yet ??

Last train arrived back at 1.30am. She has no other way of getting back. As I said previously, all she had to do was send a quick text to let me know she would not be coming back. But I will take on board your comment.

OP posts:
avamiah · 30/06/2019 04:48

Ineedhelptocope,
Is her phone ringing out but she isn’t answering ?

avamiah · 30/06/2019 04:53

What was the last time you spoke with her or received a message from her phone ?

Original poster
Ineedhelptocope · 30/06/2019 04:53

@avamiah Yes. That phone rarely leaves her hand

OP posts: