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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DD hasn't come home - AIBU?

373 replies

Ineedhelptocope · 30/06/2019 03:13

DD went to London on train to attend an event with some people I dont know/have never met. She doesnt know them very well either. She is 20. I have very few house rules/expectations from her but one that is very important for me and agreed as a family is to have the courtesy to let someone know if anyone is not coming home so we are not worrying. She bloody knows this. I have sent her a text and just tried to call but getting no response. She has done this before and swore blind she wouldn't do it again. Even I let my DH know if I am going to stay at a friends and ditto him. I get she is an adult but while she lives here under my roof she knows it is a basic expectation. She can do want the hell she wants when she leaves home. I am so fucking mad at her right now. Am I asking to much of her? I genuinely dont know anymore.

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 30/06/2019 06:33

yearinyearout That’s what I think as I did exactly the same at that age. I did let people know I was ok though!

Blue5238 · 30/06/2019 06:36

Whilst she absolutely should have texted you, the baseball didn't finish until well after 11 last night. By the time you allow fo r leaving the stadium she may well have missed last train and found a way to stay in London.
I hope you hear from her soon

JeremyCorbynsCoat · 30/06/2019 06:36

Has she been active on Facebook etc?

sashh · 30/06/2019 06:37

Might be a bit late but a text offering money is more likely to get a reply so, "Have you missed the train? Do you need cab fare?"

BTW that was not just, 'a baseball game' it was a really really big event for baseball fans. I'm not excusing your dd's behaviour but it might well be a couple of drinks, then they meet some more fans,then they go on and suddenly it's 2am

TapasForTwo · 30/06/2019 06:38

I can't believe some of the answers on here either. I would be worried sick if this was happening.

I can only assume that the unsupportive answers are by posters who don't have DC of thst age.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 30/06/2019 06:38

I'm with you, OP - I would be worried too, and I don't think it's at all unreasonable to ask for a call just to let you know that she's not coming home. It's not as if you have some draconian routine that forbids her to stay out all night - just expecting her to do you the courtesy of letting you know when she will be. Slightly surprised by so many posters thinking that when DC become adults, they don't have to demonstrate any basic courtesy any more - that's certainly not what I'm trying to teach DS.

GotToGoMyOwnWay · 30/06/2019 06:41

^^ to Tapas & NewCross

Rosielily · 30/06/2019 06:41

Does she have messenger or WhatsApp? You can see when someone was last online (subject to WhatsApp settings).

Llioed · 30/06/2019 06:48

Sorry OP, I don’t have any advice (my DD is only young) but I hope she comes home soon or at least gets in touch with you.
I think your house rules (no drugs and also DD letting you know if she is coming home or not) sounds reasonable. I have known parents that are far stricter so I’m a little Hmm at the posters who are saying you should relax a little.
Good luck. I dread the late teenage years when my DD grows up - this situation being one of them.

Cuppa12345 · 30/06/2019 06:48

Can you see her Instagram or Facebook to see if she's updated anything?

Morgan12 · 30/06/2019 06:49

What social media does she have?

WhatsApp will tell you last active. As well Facebook. Fb may even tell location.

Does she have snapchat? Could you get a SC to her if so? If she has snapmap activated it will show her exact location when she opens the SC.

Maybe get in contact with a friend you do know and ask them to send the snapchat? Or any siblings?

Ladywillpower · 30/06/2019 06:51

Mine are all older than that but they know that when they are home they have to let me know if they are staying out. I too would be beyond worried (especially as there is no one you can contact to check she is ok). However as PP have said the event probably went on later than expected, she missed the last train home & she has stayed over with a friend of a friend etc.
However there is no excuse for her not dropping you a text saying she wouldn't be home.

Skittlesss · 30/06/2019 06:51

Has she done this before or is it totally out of character?

I’d be thinking of calling the police, to be honest, starting at least by texting DD to say I would. If it’s out of character then they certainly would be interested - she’s not got home at the expected time, she’s not made contact, she’s with people she doesn’t know and it’s likely she’s missing work.

LL83 · 30/06/2019 06:53

Hope everything is ok. I would be worried sick.

No drugs and let me know if you aren't coming back are very reasonable rules. Yanbu.

SunshineCake · 30/06/2019 06:56

I really hope she's okay.

Theworldcouldbemymollusc · 30/06/2019 06:56

I hope you hear from her soon.

cocomelon23 · 30/06/2019 06:57

Hope she's home now op.

Original poster
Ineedhelptocope · 30/06/2019 06:58

I'm not on social media so do not have any of those types of links. Again, it's not the fact that she had stayed out all night I'm angry about but the fact she had not let me know despite all the hoo ha it created before. I'm not looking to police her every move or dictate how she lives her life but while she is living in our home all that I have asked is that she respects this one basic request from her step dad and me. She may well be shacked up with someone it's none of my business but she knows my feelings around this. I do appreciate all the comments

OP posts:
greenfrontdoor · 30/06/2019 06:59

Agree @Skittlesss

Progress2019 · 30/06/2019 07:02

Can’t believe some of the replies you’ve had, but I’m sure we were all a bit smug about how our children were going to listen to our rules, when they were cute, obedient little girls.

My daughters are 18 and 20, so I inow what you’re goung through. We have the same rules as you, and have had the same problems with them flouting them. I think they just get so caught up in the moment that all consideration goes out of the window. Unfortunately their age brings a selfishness and lack of understanding. They know they’re alright, so therefore you must know too. They have no idea that you’re scared out of your wits and imagining every possible scenario.

Talk to her when she gets back, but whatever she says, and however much she nods along and makes promises, she’ll just be thinking you’re overreacting, and will probably do the same again. Thats my experience anyway. Its the cause of all my grey hairs. The most annoying thing is we bought them their phones, and pay for their usage, on the understanding they’d use them to communicate with us.

Thinking of you

MrsMozartMkII · 30/06/2019 07:02

I hope she's in touch very soon lass.

Completely get this rule. It's the same here i.e. just let me know if you're not coming home.

Progress2019 · 30/06/2019 07:02

Excuse all the typos

SavageBeauty73 · 30/06/2019 07:06

I really hope she's back soon or in touch. Have you got other children who are on social media to see if she's posted where she is. I would be worried sick.

Ladywillpower · 30/06/2019 07:08

As a PP suggested could you get a sibling or friend to contact her or check her SM?

Original poster
Ineedhelptocope · 30/06/2019 07:10

Just had a fucking blase text saying she is getting breakfast and she will call me. I said don't bother. I am beyond angry now. I just can't speak to her right now although obviously I am glad she is still alive!!

OP posts: