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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DD hasn't come home - AIBU?

373 replies

Ineedhelptocope · 30/06/2019 03:13

DD went to London on train to attend an event with some people I dont know/have never met. She doesnt know them very well either. She is 20. I have very few house rules/expectations from her but one that is very important for me and agreed as a family is to have the courtesy to let someone know if anyone is not coming home so we are not worrying. She bloody knows this. I have sent her a text and just tried to call but getting no response. She has done this before and swore blind she wouldn't do it again. Even I let my DH know if I am going to stay at a friends and ditto him. I get she is an adult but while she lives here under my roof she knows it is a basic expectation. She can do want the hell she wants when she leaves home. I am so fucking mad at her right now. Am I asking to much of her? I genuinely dont know anymore.

OP posts:
stucknoue · 30/06/2019 13:22

I presume most of these responses are not from people with young adults! We have had similar issues and it's so hard. All they have to do is text if they are coming home after midnight (unexpectedly) or not at all, they also have to text if they have brought a "friend" back without me knowing so I don't bump into a strange man on my landing. That's pretty liberal in my book, if they don't like it then living rent free at home isn't for them

SickOfBeingFat · 30/06/2019 13:32

Glad she’s safe, op

Pieceofpurplesky · 30/06/2019 13:34

OP I am 50. My parents live with me and still shout at me if I don't tell them I am going to be late. You love your Dd and worry about her. Ignore the negative comments. I would be livid too

StarJumpsandaHalf · 30/06/2019 13:47

Putting the shoe on the other foot, when my adult DCs have been living back with us, if our plans changed, i let them know. It’s just basic manners and consideration.

Cherrysoup · 30/06/2019 13:51

She should text, it takes seconds. She's out of order not to do so. It's common courtesy. She's been asked to text previously and has been concerned about being told off for not doing so. She's living in mum's house, so mum's rules apply.

Boulezvous · 30/06/2019 13:54

I agree it's selfish not to have let you know she wasnt coming back. I personally wouldn't kick my kid out for doing that - just tell them not to do it again. As she's going off to uni it seems a shame that you will barely see her again! You might live to regret if. It could damage your relationship permanently. Young people are sometimes forgetful, selfish or having too good a time to do the right thing. I'd not end the relationship over it. Don't you ever masked mistakes OP?

Contraceptionismyfriend · 30/06/2019 14:11

@Boulezvous one time is a mistake. 4 is taking the piss.

Oblomov19 · 30/06/2019 14:17

Sadly a lot of teenagers these days have a general lack of respect. Even the really nice ones.
I have no idea what the answer is OP!

SunshineCake · 30/06/2019 14:22

I think that is a ridiculous thing to say, jennymanarana.

yy558 · 30/06/2019 15:26

This thread makes me feel so guilty for my teenage/early 20s behaviour.

Glad she is safe.

randomncftw · 30/06/2019 15:41

YAdNBU op. I’m sorry you’ve had some stick on this thread.

I moved out for a few years when I was 19. My mum didn’t ask where I was or when I’d be home in that time.

However I moved back for a while in my mid 20s and to me it was courteous to let her know if I wouldn’t be coming home. She would definitely worry something might have happened to me if I just randomly didn’t come home. I don’t think she necessarily comes into it, anything can happen on a night out or on the way home. A simple ‘I’m staying out tonight’ to put your mums mind at rest really isn’t difficult.

Glad she is ok Flowers

randomncftw · 30/06/2019 15:42

I don’t think age necessarily comes into it that should say

LimitIsUp · 30/06/2019 16:20

She absolutely should let you know that she isn't coming home, and that is not too much to ask

saoirse31 · 30/06/2019 17:33

You are being totally reasonable op, glad she's ok.

Aaarrgghhh · 30/06/2019 18:58

TooTrueToBeGood I agree. I don’t feel like the op posted out of worry which anyone would understand but rather anger about a house rule. Here’s the thing, she didn’t do as you wanted for reasons unknown yet. She could have fell asleep etc been drunk and forgot all perfectly normal things. But, how does kicking her out make any of this better? You say she doesn’t have to message you if she lives away from the home but then surely that means you are angry about the rule and not worried for your daughter? I don’t think I’m explaining well but basically, your daughter messaging you or not regardless of where she lives makes no difference. So if you are fine with her not checking in if she lives out of your home then why does she need to when living with you?

AuntMarch · 30/06/2019 19:27

I've moved out and lived with a partner at about 23, I've lived with friends and for various reasons I am going to be back living with my mum for a while in my 30s.

In all of these situations, had I said I would be back later that evening, I would let those people know my plans had changed. It's not difficult to do, and they wouldn't need to know why necessarily. Just think it's nice that they don't have to spend the early hours with a niggling worry I might not be ok.

In all of these situations

mamaofboyzz · 30/06/2019 21:02

You are not being unreasonable! I cannot believe some of the replies you have had. Given her past experience of course you are going to worry. It's not hard to send a simple message to let you know whether she will be home or not and I can't believe she wouldn't have the decency to let you know! I really feel for you OP and you definitely need to tell her it's not ok to not let you know she won't be home so you don't worry.

mamaofboyzz · 30/06/2019 21:03

I also checked in with my mum to let her know whether To expect me home or not until I left home at 24! It's not controlling it's just respect

Topsy1976 · 30/06/2019 21:42

There's a piece in the Guardian that reminded me of this thread. I thought Mariella gave good advice when she said that the person who suffered the trauma "may not want the responsibility of her traumatised family at the moment" and so is pushing you away.

There is so much more going on than just your daughter not calling here. I wonder if you need some counselling for what happened to her. I do send you kind wishes OP.

NeverMindTheBuzzards · 30/06/2019 22:30

I lived with my parents on and off until I was 25. Whenever I was there, whether for University vacation, or when I was living with them longer term, the same expectation was on me - let them know my intended time home, and let them know if that changed.

I admit that at 19/20 I didn't quite "get" it - at University, I was coming and going as I pleased and they couldn't be worrying all the time about that, so why worry now? But it did make more sense to me as I got older. It's just courtesy. And I don't think I ever didn't let them know, even when I didn't understand why it was a big deal.

Nowadays, I live with a DP who works late shifts and is home after I'm asleep. As we don't share a room right now (late shifts and early rising toddlers don't mix), he texts me when he's home - meaning that if I wake in the night, I can know that nothing has happened to him, either at work or on the drive home. And yes, I have had to go and check on the nights where he has forgotten - thankfully only a couple of times, and never without reason.

Surely it's natural to want to know the people you live with on a day to day basis are okay? Especially late at night.

bewilderedhedgehog · 30/06/2019 22:44

I have read most of this thread but have to admit skipping a few posts! OP I think most of us are on the same page as you - I have a 20 year old daughter. My explanation to her is that I like her to text her approximate whereabouts not because I want to control what she does, but because shit happens and I am on her side. That is why I would like to know if she is coming home or not - because in the (rare) event that a person goes missing, I want to try and find her quickly. Also (and you may find this useful), I sleep better with the chain on the door, so my children know that if they don't tell me, I could chain the door, not because I am trying to be difficult but because I want to sleep! So pleased for you she is home safely x

thegreylady · 01/07/2019 00:15

By the way for mine it wasn’t a text I expected (and got) but an actual call from a telephone. They were all teens before mobile phones were common (youngest born 1974).
It is about loving courtesy not control.

Pollywollydolly · 01/07/2019 01:47

You have my sympathy. This is pretty much the only thing I argue about with my DD21. She starts out with friends and intends to come home, then goes round to her boyfriend's instead, sometimes she texts but half the time she forgets. If I go back through my texts to her most of them say 'Where are you?'
She agrees that she should let me know, but after a couple of beers it goes out of her head. I don't know what the solution is.

AnneOfAvonlea · 01/07/2019 09:23

@ineedhelptocope marinamarinara makes a very good point here so I hope you come back to the thread to read that one post.

AnneOfAvonlea · 01/07/2019 09:27

Quite shocked at some of the posters on here to be honest. I am so tired of how spiteful people are unnecessarily to each other these days

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