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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DD hasn't come home - AIBU?

373 replies

Ineedhelptocope · 30/06/2019 03:13

DD went to London on train to attend an event with some people I dont know/have never met. She doesnt know them very well either. She is 20. I have very few house rules/expectations from her but one that is very important for me and agreed as a family is to have the courtesy to let someone know if anyone is not coming home so we are not worrying. She bloody knows this. I have sent her a text and just tried to call but getting no response. She has done this before and swore blind she wouldn't do it again. Even I let my DH know if I am going to stay at a friends and ditto him. I get she is an adult but while she lives here under my roof she knows it is a basic expectation. She can do want the hell she wants when she leaves home. I am so fucking mad at her right now. Am I asking to much of her? I genuinely dont know anymore.

OP posts:
Ladywillpower · 30/06/2019 07:10

Sorry SavageBeauty73 cross posted.

GotToGoMyOwnWay · 30/06/2019 07:13

Gosh she’s no idea of the stress she’s caused! Yes I know those feelings of relief mixed with anger!

But so so glad she’s ok op. Time to have another chat once the situation has calmed down a bit.

MrsMozartMkII · 30/06/2019 07:13

Just seen your update.

That would make me very angry. She can for sure be an adult and a grown up and go into town and stay out and do whatever, but to not have the basic manners to let you know is bloody rude, childish and disrespectful.

Pinktornado · 30/06/2019 07:14

YANBU. Very poor behaviour by your DD. I haven’t lived at home since I was 17 but even now when I visit home and go to the pub I know my DM won’t sleep until I’m back. And I’m almost 40!

Is your DD making a point about her independence?

Gizlotsmum · 30/06/2019 07:15

Sorry but surely it is basic decency to let you know if she won't be home. Regardless of the previous assault (which she probably isn't considering). I think you need to calmly explain when she gets home that you know she is an adult but it is still expected that she lets you know if she is not coming home as expected. We stayed at my inlaws after a gig and got stuck in traffic getting out of a gig. I considered calling them to let them know we would be late as I knew mil would have half an ear open for us and when we were later than expected would be concerned. We are in our 40's and have children. I hope she is in contact early this morning.

tobedtoMNandfart · 30/06/2019 07:17

Glad she's alive although you probably want to kill her!
Can I suggest a quiet icy calm anger. It's worked well for me. The shouting and screaming anger tends to elicit the teenage 'oh woe is me you're picking on me when I've done nothing wrong' response.

insancerre · 30/06/2019 07:19

Do you have contact details for any friends?
You could contact them and askfor their help
I've done that in the past when dd has done the same thing. They do respond to friends when they don't to parents
But I would say to phone the police if you are still worried.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 30/06/2019 07:20

Glad she's ok OP, you need to spend this time now considering what to do. Thanks

Cuppa12345 · 30/06/2019 07:20

I was suggesting looking at social media to see whether she had posted anything about missing the last train or something to help you not worry. It wasn't about you policing her. Glad she's OK, but yes, I would be absolutely livid.

insancerre · 30/06/2019 07:21

Just seen your update

Time for a chat I think

MummyToEthan · 30/06/2019 07:22

I'm glad she is ok but you have every right to be very angry

callymarch · 30/06/2019 07:22

so glad she is safe OP - such a relief for you. I have been in the same situation, awake all night waiting for 19 year old to come home. find my friends was telling me she (or her phone as she is prone to losing it) was still in a nightclub, obviously not as it had closed by 3am, i can understand the anger you feel. Worry has turned relief and now anger that she put you through the worry and she is oblivious to it.

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 30/06/2019 07:26

Glad to know your DD is safe. I would pack her things and have them waiting at the door to greet her when she arrived home.

floribunda18 · 30/06/2019 07:28

YANBU. I'm more than twice your DD's age and my mum lives with us. I still let her know when I'm coming home.

Dungeondragon15 · 30/06/2019 07:29

I'm glad she is okay. YANBU at all. It doesn't matter what age you are, if you live or are staying with family you need to let them know if you are not coming home for the night. I have an adult DD too and I would be furious if she let me worry because she hadn't bothered to send a text.

LL83 · 30/06/2019 07:33

Thank goodness she is ok. Has to be a consequence, to me packing bags is too extreme but equally she is too old to be grounded. Difficult one. Hope you manage to get through to her.

Gottoloveabagel · 30/06/2019 07:34

Any comments about policing her life are just odd. When I house shared with friends we would let each other know about where we were! It's polite!

Glad she's safe but bloody hell I'd be fuming too

Original poster
Ineedhelptocope · 30/06/2019 07:38

I've sent her a text suggesting she considers her living arrangements if she finds it so bloody hard to treat us with a bit of respect and common bloody courtesy.

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 30/06/2019 07:40

Oh ffs. Total over reaction.

Etino · 30/06/2019 07:43
Flowers I’d be beyond angry too. Mine are that 19-22, we have find friends on and tbh, it’s a simple binary- dead or alive. I don’t need to know who they’re with or what they’re doing but I need to know that they’re ok and that they’d contact me if they needed to.
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/06/2019 07:44

Glad she was only rude and thoughtless.

Don’t make any big decisions when you’re angry and exhausted.

jasmine1971 · 30/06/2019 07:47

I am so relieved for you OP and I understand where you are coming from.
Absolutely you are not being unreasonable in my view - you have 2 very clear rules which are there to ensure your daughters' safety.
The only thing I would say is try not to close lines of communication, even though you are really annoyed with her. So if she wants to call you, let her - sometimes the 'I'm so disappointed in you' routine is more effective than 'I'm so bloody angry with you right now' (I know from experience!)

Costacoffeeplease · 30/06/2019 07:48

She’s done it before and knows you thought she should leave home then, I think you have to follow through this time, if there’s somewhere else she can go, then off she goes

Emelene · 30/06/2019 07:49

I'm glad she's safe OP. I'd be angry too, it is not a hard rule to follow x

Original poster
Ineedhelptocope · 30/06/2019 07:51

Oh ffs. Total over reaction

Right. Ok then Hmm

OP posts: