My DD hasn't come home - AIBU?

[Ineedhelptocope]

DD went to London on train to attend an event with some people I dont know/have never met. She doesnt know them very well either. She is 20. I have very few house rules/expectations from her but one that is very important for me and agreed as a family is to have the courtesy to let someone know if anyone is not coming home so we are not worrying. She bloody knows this. I have sent her a text and just tried to call but getting no response. She has done this before and swore blind she wouldn't do it again. Even I let my DH know if I am going to stay at a friends and ditto him. I get she is an adult but while she lives here under my roof she knows it is a basic expectation. She can do want the hell she wants when she leaves home. I am so fucking mad at her right now. Am I asking to much of her? I genuinely dont know anymore.

Dd has always texted me to say where she is, even who she is with and what she is doing. (Been travelling into Central London daily because of school since she was 10 years old) I have always wanted to know the where she is because of the incidents of terrorism or if there is a fire in a nightclub or some other incident appearing on the news. My world wasn’t going to go into free fall before I could contact her.

Dd insists her friends let their parents know where they are and what their plans are otherwise the friends spend more time reading and ignoring texts or phone calls throughout the evening from their parents and one 10 second text is all the parents want.

On MN it is thought everyone lives in a bubble once you are over 18.
At 18 you suddenly have enough money to rent a flat on your own and can move out if you don’t abide by the house rules or just because you are 18.
At 20 you shouldn’t be living with parents.
No one says where they are going, what they are doing or if and when they will be back.
It seems perfectly acceptable to some that you just walk out the door without a word and if anyone asks you where you are going it is deemed controlling.

I think I live in a parallel universe

For those wondering how to get it across to your adult DC that it is selfish not to let family know and nothing to do with age, try not coming home yourself one day and see how they like it. I had young parents who if anything had a better social life than me and because I got worried if they didn't come back for hours after the time they said they would be back I knew not to do it to them.

I felt you were being particularly harsh until I read your other posts. I still think you are being slightly unreasonable but I can understand why.

Your daughter is BU, by not contacting you to let you know she is staying out. This was one of my mums rules when I lived at home I had to text/phone to let her know if I was coming home. I didn't always do this, and words would be had in the morning when I eventually made contact or came home. However I think the reaction of you telling her to leave her home and find somewhere else to live is severe.

You could discuss having her on find my friends then that way if she doesn't phone you can track and find out she is okay that way?

I think from your previous posts your all in different places emotionally with dealing what happened to your family and this might just be a way of her being in control and pushing back against you. Maybe family counselling would help?

Dd even texts to say she is back safe when she is staying at friends house.

I can’t believe anyone is criticising the OP for this. And it was clear she was worried sick about her DD.

My Dc are young but I do remember what it was like to be 20. I house shared for 12 years, many many different house shares, with men and women. All of us, without exception, agreed to give the others a quick heads up if we weren’t going to be coming home. If friends left our house after a party in the middle of the night they would call when they were safely back at theirs, and we would wait up until they had called. For the simple reason that it’s good to have someone looking out for you, and we cared about each other.

If someone didn’t text/message and they didn’t come home, we would call them. And if no response in a while we might call again, check with other friends etc. And more than once, this has meant we have found someone who needed help or was on the verge of getting in to trouble.

My Mum still worries about me now if I don’t respond to her texts for a while and I’m way past 20 with DC of my own . It’s totally normal for parents to never stop worrying, irrespective of their DCs age.

Some of these posts are needlessly spiteful. When I was 20 my mum had the same rule which I adhered to - mostly!

Now I’m older I understand why. Just a text to say I’d be back or not, she wasn’t after the ins and outs of my night. I was also the victim of a rape when I was that age and things didn’t change, I was expected to have the courtesy to send one text before and after it happened.

I’m glad she’s ok OP.

Some of you are shocking.

Leaving aside the fact that this woman's daughter still lives with her, she knew her Mum was worried about her and the very, very least she could have done was fired off a text saying "Won't be back tonight, chat tomorrow" so that her Mum could have gone to bed instead of worrying the whole night. For the person who kindly pointed out that "if she had been assaulted again there's nothing you could do about it" - that's disgusting. Jesus Christ I'm in my thirties and when I go out with my friends we always send a "home ok" text or whatever. It takes seconds.

I'm glad she's okay, OP. I don't think shipping her off to your mother will do any good.

@Cheby I actually remember as a child my mum having to give HER mum three rings on the phone to let her know we’d arrived home safe after a visit in the middle of the day

Wow.... cant believe this is still going. Thank you so much to the kind posters who messaged me. It's a shame that some of my comments have been completely twisted and misconstrued to me wanting to 'kick her out' that I am 'angry rather than worried' and that I am 'controlling' or that I was only pissed off because she 'broke the rules'. I am on very high alert around my DD because of recent events and her risky behaviour. Maybe I should have included that in my post so my mistake. She CHOOSES to live in this house I haven't forced her. She was involved in discussions around expectations of everyone in the house to let someone know if they did not intend coming back that night. She then chose to ignore this on 4 occasions. In light of that I felt that perhaps she should reconsider her living arrangements if she was unable to respect that one expectation but that was soon elevated to me 'kicking her out'. I will admit I feel out of my depth with her right now and am struggling to deal with the fall out of everything. My family is pretty much in tatters right now. Again, my mistake for not providing more context but I was so stressed.

However, that said I will assume based on some of the comments from some posters that they:
Have never expressed worry and concern as anger
Do not have children
Do not have young adult children for whom there is probably MORE potential to come to harm on an evening out
Are ok if their DP stays out all night on multiple occasions without letting them know
Would not bat an eye lid if their DD or DS bed was empty in the morning when they had said 'Will be back later' on multiple occasions
Do not have an adult child who CHOOSES to live at home
Have no house rules or expectations
Have not had a child who was sexually assaulted
Would not thunk it was courteous to tell someone if they were gong ti be late for something or couldn't keep a prior arrangement

IME worry can cause anger.
I am also aware that I will canvass various opinions on AIBU but it is possible to post an opinion without being an absolute cunt about it given the sensitive back story around my DD.
I particularity liked the comment calling me out to the fact that her letting me know she would be back the next day is 'hardly going to keep her safe'. I fucking know that already.

Anyway. Thank you again to all of you and those posters who managed to tell me IWBU without being a total arsehole about it.

Go easy on yourself OP, I would have been absolutely beside myself.
I hope your DD has explained herself and apologised for her selfishness and that things calm down soon.
for you x

I hope you're ok ineedhelptocope you were only asking for some advice and a handhold and don't deserve some of the comments made on here!! I sincerely hope they never have to deal with what you have had to!!

I hope when your DD finally got home that her reason was a good one OP. I'm totally with you, having DDs of 20 and 18. My older one also forgets to send that text that she's changed her plans and not coming home, despite having told me earlier that she would be. My DD may be 20, but a young 20 and looks more like 16 so yes I do worry about her when she is unexpectedly not in her bed. I'm sorry that you got such a hard time from some posters on this thread.

OP hope you are ok my dd is 16 and her phone died one night and I was frantic looking for her . She thought I understood when she didn't come back to me that I knew she would be stay out. I was out looking for her along with some of her friends and some posted on social media that she was missing so I understand how you feel. My dd was assaulted at a teen disco on December so I probably am over protective.

OP it might be worth you trying to get some kind of family therapy. If just so you and your DD could talk in a mediated and safe space. Her risky behaviour is probably at least partly her way of coping with past experiences. Your "let me know" rule may be eminently sensible, but that may not be how she is perceiving it, counselling might be able to give you a compromise measure that works for you both. And your DD might listen to an outsider more.

I hope she's sorry for all the worry she's caused this time.

Any explanation from her?

@readytechno piss off dredging up old threads to advertise stuff

Those saying it is controlling and over reaction. Just read what happened again. The Daughter went with new friends to London. Text her DM partner at 9.30pm to say she would see them later. Daughter does not turn up by time of last train. Mum texts daughter with no response a number of times. Daughter has been assulted previously. Daughter knows the mother is worried about her safety and asks that just one text to say she is not coming back tonight, no questions asked about why. No text. Mother is worried then angry for selfishness of daughter, which is what it is. This is not controlling behaviour it is standard human interaction between loved ones and anyone that says differently is either being deliberately goady or has never had anyone to care about or been cared about. I would suggest she is doing it deliberately because something else is going on in the family dynamics. It literally takes 20 seconds to reply.

@Ineedhelptocope I can't believe how awful some people have been to you. I'm in my mid 40s, and married with a child and home of my own and I still tell my parents if I'll be away overnight/if we as a family will be away overnight, in case they're looking for me or need me, and get worried. It's common courtesy to let people know if they're likely to be worried about you. My DD is still little but I'd be past myself with worry in your position.

Year old ZOMBIE thread.

@maras2 oops, I'm sorry for replying and keeping it going, it came up bear the top of my first page of threads and I didn't look at the date 🙈

*NEAR not bear!