My DD hasn't come home - AIBU?

[Ineedhelptocope]

DD went to London on train to attend an event with some people I dont know/have never met. She doesnt know them very well either. She is 20. I have very few house rules/expectations from her but one that is very important for me and agreed as a family is to have the courtesy to let someone know if anyone is not coming home so we are not worrying. She bloody knows this. I have sent her a text and just tried to call but getting no response. She has done this before and swore blind she wouldn't do it again. Even I let my DH know if I am going to stay at a friends and ditto him. I get she is an adult but while she lives here under my roof she knows it is a basic expectation. She can do want the hell she wants when she leaves home. I am so fucking mad at her right now. Am I asking to much of her? I genuinely dont know anymore.

@avamiah I spoke to her are 6.30pm and she said 'I have my key. See you later' My DH got a text from her at 8.30pm. She was at a sports event that ended at 9pm and said they were going to have a quick drink in the pub after and then she would be getting train home.

Ineedhelptocope,
So it’s ringing out now ??

I absolutely think you are in the right here OP. Not only as it’s a very basic rule, but police always say someone should know where you are and when to expect you. For safety, it’s sensible and not hard.

I can also fully understand why this is extra upsetting with the trauma of her past sexual assault. No Mum will forget that and it adds another layer. No one’s fault, just how trauma works!

Let us know when you hear from her!

@Avamiah Yes. Just tried it again

Ineedhelptocope,
Sporting events rarely finish so early .

@Avamiah It was a baseball game.

Ok
Where at ?
Wembley , or O2 ?

Is she home?

At the London Stadium

Ineedhelptocope
Then you have 2 options,

1. you wait or
2. you call the police .

Yes all events finish early so everybody can get the underground/trains/buses

I do think you need to stop listening out for her, yes - you will sleep better and you can't remotely control her life. This is torture!
I truly believe and hope this is nothing, she's just gone awol cos she's 20, and if so I think you need to stop torturing yourself and trust that you have equipped her to manage, and leave her to it without knowing where she is at all times - unless there is a good reason she can't manage or be trusted. Sorry, just speaking from my own teenage/early adult experience

@user. No. FFS..... I hate feeling like this. I know she is an adult but she also knows how much I worry about stuff like this especially after what happened to her previously. Maybe I do need to deal with it in a more relaxed way but by the same token she also needs to accept that this is who I am and that we all have to compromise a bit in family r'ships. I wouldn't dream of just fucking off for the night and not telling my DH as I know he and my DD would probably worry. Basic bloody manners in my book. Just one sodding text is all I wanted.

Let us know xx

and leave her to it without knowing where she is at all times

But this is it..... I am not expecting her to keep checking in and tell me where she is. I just want to know if she is not coming home. A quick 'Be back tomorrow' would suffice.

Well something has happened - highly likely she lost her phone/wallet or something if she's not answering.

YANBU OP, I’m sure she is ok but it’s not acceptable for her to have you at home worrying when she understands the rules. Is she in a relationship with anyone she is meeting?

Ineedhelptocope,
Listen i personally think you have to sit it out till about 1pm/2 pm(lunch time ).
Try and get some rest

Maybe she lost her phone? I would be worried too op.
She may have missed the last train and will get the first one . Of she’s not home after first train, I would give the police a ring .

Hope you hear soon op

She has her phone it’s ringing out

Well if that's your red line then she should respect it, I guess, she lives in your house. But it sounds like there are some unresolved issues from the incident you refer to. Maybe worth talking to her about not getting in risky situations, or have you done that already? Have you addressed the issue with her? Is she confident to go out and socialise? If you feel she's fearful/not assertive I get your fear...

Maybe I do need to deal with it in a more relaxed way but by the same token she also needs to accept that this is who I am and that we all have to compromise a bit in family r'ships

Very true. DD is 14 and, whilst I encourage her growing independence, part of me is slightly dreading her later teens and 20s when I won't always know where she is and when she'll be back. I think you're going to have to sweat it out and collapse with weary relief when you do hear from her. Let us know!

The worry is the issue really, for comparison to your house rules: I’m still required to let my Mum and MIL know when I’ve reached my own house after visiting them. As an independent adult.

I hope she’s absolutely fine and just gone to a club, if she’s with new friends she might be trying to achieve breakfast club and getting the first or second train home. Try and nap until then, unless you really want to drive her bike route.

@avamiah.....lost phones ring too?? i can't see how you can say she definitely has her phone just because its ringing.