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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DD hasn't come home - AIBU?

373 replies

Ineedhelptocope · 30/06/2019 03:13

DD went to London on train to attend an event with some people I dont know/have never met. She doesnt know them very well either. She is 20. I have very few house rules/expectations from her but one that is very important for me and agreed as a family is to have the courtesy to let someone know if anyone is not coming home so we are not worrying. She bloody knows this. I have sent her a text and just tried to call but getting no response. She has done this before and swore blind she wouldn't do it again. Even I let my DH know if I am going to stay at a friends and ditto him. I get she is an adult but while she lives here under my roof she knows it is a basic expectation. She can do want the hell she wants when she leaves home. I am so fucking mad at her right now. Am I asking to much of her? I genuinely dont know anymore.

OP posts:
Zebedee88 · 30/06/2019 07:53

All she had to do was send a txt saying that she wasnt coming home...its not bloody difficult. She knew that you would probably not be sleeping that well of she was out all night and you were expecting her back.

Original poster
Ineedhelptocope · 30/06/2019 07:54

I think you have to follow through this time, if there’s somewhere else she can go, then off she goes

Yes. My mum's. I've told her that she clearly has zero respect for her stepdad and me to have now done this 4 fucking times.

OP posts:
DM1209 · 30/06/2019 07:54

OP you have not at all overreacted!! She is old enough to understand your house rules and really there is no excuse. Under normal circumstances as a parent you'd be worried sick add the sexual assault and that worry skyrockets. I'm so sorry that happened to your daughter by the way and so very happy that she is clearly happy and confident to go out and have fun again.
However, I completely understand your perspective and it is best to not talk to her while you're feeling so angry. You have come from a place of extreme fear for her safety and she needs to understand that but in a calm way when you're ready and preferably face to face. The main thing is that she's ok and I hope you will feel better soon.

Whisky2014 · 30/06/2019 07:56

4 times. I thought you said she did it once before?

You could see the end result from your first post. You are trying to control her. I hope she leaves and goes somewhere else. Not your mum's where you've dictated that's where she will go Hmm

Wormentrude · 30/06/2019 07:57

Not an overreaction. I lived with my parents again after uni and I would never have done that to them - they would have been worried sick about me.

I worked part time and lived in a house share - I had zero money left after rent, bills and food, but I was independent and didn't have to let anyone know when / where I was. Perhaps suggest that to her? She needs a wake-up call.

drivingmisspotty · 30/06/2019 07:57

YANBU OP. It is common courtesy when you live with someone to let them know if you are unexpectedly not coming home - be they partner, housemate or mum. Because people who care about you will worry.

Saying that, I was a very well behaved teen/young adult but I did this. After I had returned home from uni I went out with friends and stayed at a friend’s house and didn’t check in. I knew it was selfish. I knew my parents would worry. But I just had an impulse to be free. To not have to care about checking in with anyone and just live my life. It was really selfish and I absolutely lacked empathy, fuelled by alcohol but also a feeling of being constrained by my parents. Not logical because, like you, mine didn’t want to control me, just know I was safe.

I don’t know what the answer is. She’s 20 and she’s moving away in September anyway and you won’t know her comings and goings. Maybe it’s better to preserve your relationship than to punish and take it as a sign she is ready to move out and cross your fingers she has matured a bit by the time she returns for holidays.

I only did it once because I saw how worried my dad in particular had been. But if you can’t make her see the worry she caused it if she still doesn’t care I’m not sure what you can do.

adaline · 30/06/2019 07:57

Sounds like she possibly fell asleep or similar - frustrating but not worth all that anger.

BeardedMum · 30/06/2019 07:58

Glad to hear she is back safe. I can see that this is an overwhelming Yanbu and I agree. It’s not to do with age but you expect any family member to text if not coming home like that.

UnderOverUnderRover · 30/06/2019 08:00

She's moving out in September to go to Uni, could you not just leave it until then?

This could ruin your relationship OP. It's not worth it, she's young and being silly but it's your DD.

Eliza9919 · 30/06/2019 08:01

Did no one else ever have a few too many and miss the last train??

She probably had a great time with her new friend Wink and texting slipped her mind or she was drunk and sleeping.

I think this post is a bit of an overreaction too tbh.

DoingTheBestICan · 30/06/2019 08:02

Whiskey2014 I am sorry, but nowhere do I read that the op wants to control her dd. All I read is a wanting of mutual respect, not hard is it?

A simple text home could have halted the worry, I think your dd is treating you with disrespect and I fully agree with you op.

Ragwort · 30/06/2019 08:02

How is it trying to ‘control’ someone by asking them just to have the courtesy to send a quick text if they are going to be late home? Hmm I have a teenage DS & agree they can be totally self absorbed and selfish ... but still assume they can have a comfortable lifestyle living at home without any responsibility.

Original poster
Ineedhelptocope · 30/06/2019 08:03

4 times. I thought you said she did it once before?

No. Where did I say that?

You are trying to control her. I hope she leaves and goes somewhere else. Not your mum's where you've dictated that's where she will go

Helpful. I had no idea letting your loved ones know you would not be coming home after night out was controlling. But thanks for putting me straight on that.

OP posts:
GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 30/06/2019 08:04

I think you should relax, put down your phone and try to get some sleep.

She's safe. You are just going to fight if you keep texting her.

IncrediblySadToo · 30/06/2019 08:05

I’m glad she’s ok.

I’m sorry she’s been so thoughtless.

You don’t sound like you interrogate her if she text she’s to say she’s not coming home (as my mum would have) & I struggle not to. SO there’s really no excuse for her selfish, thoughtless by behaviour.

I’d ask her why she thought it was acceptable not to let you know (hpgiven your rule, her BIg Row and the SA) Andrès see what she has to say for herself.

I wouldn’t threaten making her leave again or you’re going to have to follow through on it and it doesn’t sound like the best plan given her lack of earnings and going to Uni in Sept.

When she didn’t arrive home ASC expected after the last train, I’d ha, I have driven to the station to see if her bike was there to make sure she hadn’t had an accident riding home, depot have worried about that more than her still being in london tbh.

Have yourself a nice drink (I was thinking tea, - but a stiff whisky if necessary) and some breakfast and try to focus on the fact that she’s OK. )

BigSandyBalls2015 · 30/06/2019 08:06

I’m glad she’s safe, I’d have been worried sick. It’s not controlling, regardless of age if you share a house with someone then you let them know your plans re: coming home or staying out.

I’ve got late teen DDs so I understand. Don’t ask her to leave, talk to her again when you are calmer.

INCrediblySADtoo · 30/06/2019 08:07

Sorry for all the typos, the iPad is being a little sod this morning. hope it still makes enough sense!

chamenanged · 30/06/2019 08:11

I agree she should have texted and wanting her to isn't controlling, but making her go and live somewhere you know she'll hate is not the right solution. You'll just end up worrying about her full time (and I doubt she'll be too inclined to text you reassurance then.)

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 30/06/2019 08:11

I would have been worried sick too but I think your reaction is going to ruin your relationship with her and push her away. If she has a few too many drinks, stayed with a friend and lost track of time as she was having too much fun I think I would let it go after letting her, calmly, know how you've been up all night worrying. She was going to call you after breakfast. Maybe she was excited thinking she's found the love of her life, had the best night ever and wanted to talk to you about it. You've just put a dampner on it with your reaction.

Yes she's been a dick not telling you she wasn't coming home but surely every one of us has been caught up in the moment at some point and not made the best decisions

Tallgreenbottle · 30/06/2019 08:12

OP she is 20. Get a frigging grip. You either accept she lives in your house and as an adult can come and go as she sees fit or, she leaves.

You are bizarre. She is a grown woman. She can make her own choices, mistakes and decisions on whether or not she has to 'report' back to anyone.

You're her parent. Not her boss.

tobedtoMNandfart · 30/06/2019 08:14

@Tallgreenbottle that is really unfair. OP was genuinely worried for her safety.

Starlight456 · 30/06/2019 08:14

Glad she is ok but like you I would be furious.

One of the questions I ask to get to the bottom of an issue that me ranting and raving doesn't resolve is why is it you are choosing to ignore what I say?

I can only say for my ds sometimes I have found out an answer I wasn't expecting.

I also wouldn't kick her out months before uni.

Original poster
Ineedhelptocope · 30/06/2019 08:15

Thanks for the input. I will be calmer when I see her later but I imagine she will be giving me wide berth today. I think it is the fact is has happened multiple timed now that pisses me off. As a family we have had a terrible time the last few months [I will not post here why but you can see if you search my user name] and we are trying hard to recover. It may be the case I am a bit more sensitive now after what happened to her but she knows that is is a basic house rule which has always been in place from when she turned 18 and started going out a bit more. Oh I dont know...... it's a tricky path to navigate.

OP posts:
Chuffingchuff · 30/06/2019 08:15

I think you are completely right OP. I dont think you overreacted at all. Especially due to what has happened to her before, I would be worried sick too. She may know she is absolutely fine but she needs to remember that you dont! A text would take all of 20 seconds to send, it's really not hard. Just inconsiderate of her that she didnt. She is an adult, but when living at home you are obviously going to be concerned if she didnt come back and if you weren't concerned you wouldn't be a very good parent!

howwudufeel · 30/06/2019 08:16

You are not in the slightest bit bizarre. She has been hurt on a night out out before and a simple text was all you asked. It’s normal to worry and I don’t understand those people who are slating you for it.