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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have a secret - multiple marriages

202 replies

EltonHoratio · 29/06/2019 11:37

I’m a regular poster under a different name. I have a secret and I’d like your opinions. I’ve been married 4 times. Obviously some people know my secret, but as the first 2 marriages were pre social media and a long time ago, most people think I’ve been married twice and I don’t correct them. DH knows the truth.

Some may think it was gold digging, quite the opposite, all were skint, all left me i debt. I’ve managed to have a nice life through my own hard work.

No children. Only DH has children from a previous relationship.

Do you judge me? What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
Pinkfinkle · 29/06/2019 18:37

I think I would consider this a red flag if I met a perspective partner who had been married four times before or even three. People generally marry with the intention of it lasting. It’s fairly normal in this day and age for the first marriage to fail (particularly if you married young) but to then go on and marry again and again and for all of them to fail. I would be questioning why they all failed.

TulipsTwoLips · 29/06/2019 18:46

If no people are negatively effected by it now I wouldn’t judge in the slightest.

SilverNewMoon · 29/06/2019 18:47

So what? Life is complicated and these things happen. It may be unusual to have been married that many times but it's no one's business except yours.

OddHoleySocks · 29/06/2019 18:53

I ditched a guy when I discovered he'd been married four times.

Although to be fair, when he talked about his marriages, his desperation started showing, and that was a major turn-off. It very much was a case that he didn't cope with being alone. And that would be my concern with anyone who had been married multiple times. I don't want someone that needy in my life.

TanMateix · 29/06/2019 19:19

@EltonHoratio, I do not need a man but like having one by my side. I have not been married 4 times, but I have been asked 7 times.

Unfortunately I am so independent that the moment they ask I panic and from there it just goes down the hill... Blush

ProteinshakesandAntonsbum · 29/06/2019 19:24

How long has this last marriage been?

Why do you like been married? Nit judging just wondering?

fantasmasgoria1 · 29/06/2019 19:31

Does it really matter? I have been married twice and will be getting married to my fiance so the 3rd marriage. The first two were abusive arseholes but my fiance is absolutely awesome! Sometimes it can take a few marriages before you find the right one. My gran said that many married couples from her day and age, people who had been married 40 plus years, in this time would have been divorced because its no longer frowned upon and i suspect she would have!

TanMateix · 29/06/2019 22:37

people who had been married 40 plus years, in this time would have been divorced because its no longer frowned upon and i suspect she would have!

I think she is right but as my grandmother once said... how could you ever leave with no income, no education, far more children than these days and the huge stigma of divorce? You stayed, no matter what, not out of love or vows but out of fear of destitution and prejudice.

Thankfully, we women are in a much better position to flee a bad marriage these days

itsallgoingsouth · 30/06/2019 10:22

Elizabeth Taylor quotes:

"I've only slept with men I've been married to. How many women can make that claim?"

"I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed too - for being married so many times."

"Marriage is a great institution."

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/06/2019 11:03

You may like being married in status but the vows are meant for life and are meant to be a serious commitment.

It would have been a huge red flag for me and I would be having serious talks with my children if they met someone who had multiple marriages behind them.

chaoscategorised · 30/06/2019 11:12

Like PPs - I would be wary of a family member getting involved with someone who was on their fourth marriage. Suggests either they don't take making big decisions very seriously, or see marriage more like dating - so I can see why your DP might be wary of his family knowing.

Of course, a person might have fallen madly in love 3 times and not rushed into marriage, but all 3 husbands ended up being terrible so in that case I guess it would be understandable. But I would personally feel that there was something a bit odd going on - that the person repeatedly getting married didn't really take it seriously.

Having said that, it's not actually any of my business if someone wants to get married and divorced once a year for the rast of their life and it doesn't affect me in any way, so I would probably keep my judging to myself because it's not my business!

myusernamewastakenbyme · 30/06/2019 13:28

I was divorced twice by the age of 40....im now 45 and i think ive met husband number 3....

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 30/06/2019 13:36

Honestly I wouldn't judge as in think badly of someone

But I might wonder if there was anything in their past that meant they kept picking the wrong partner for them, or wonder why they were doing it again when it didn't work out the first three times.

It's like when some celebrities have multiple marriages and declare 'this time I KNOW he's the one, I've never felt like this', again and again, I guess it's a bit cynical but it seems the more failed marriages behind someone the less likely the next one is to work out

Saying that I'm aware you never know the reasons behind it all

Alsohuman · 30/06/2019 16:05

Interestingly, despite my three marriages, if I was widowed I wouldn’t do it again.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 30/06/2019 16:09

I ines business but yours, if you told me I'd not judge you

ABoozedMoose · 30/06/2019 16:14

I couldn't care less. Not sure I'd get you a wedding present though...

ThighsRelief · 30/06/2019 22:52

I was talking to two male friends of mine - all 3 of us have been divorced twice. I asked if they would do it again, they both said yes and "it's the right thing to do" I was surprised. I wouldn't marry again.

mydogisthebest · 01/07/2019 14:06

One of my neighbours got married last year. It was the 4th marriage for both of them. We were invited but didn't go as I feel it just makes a mockery of marriage.

She had a big white dress, veil, the works. Her facebook page is full of "when you meet the one you know" and "together for life" which I find odd

Original poster
EltonHoratio · 01/07/2019 16:18

Thanks everyone, loads of feedback. It seems that although most don't openly judge, you do indirectly by not wanting someone with multiple marriages marrying your brother for example.

I'm happy as I am so I think I'll keep my little secret to myself and carry on being "respectable", with those who matter knowing the truth.

Thanks again all, really interesting.

OP posts:
ProteinshakesandAntonsbum · 01/07/2019 17:47

@EltonHoratio did you answer how long you have been married this time?

Sorry if you have .

ProteinshakesandAntonsbum · 01/07/2019 17:49

Sorry just seen its 2 years.

At this point do you still truly believe this one is the one that will last.

FookMeFookYou · 01/07/2019 17:56

That's your business 🤷🏽‍♀️

Original poster
EltonHoratio · 01/07/2019 17:58

Yes @ProteinshakesandAntonsbum I do believe this one will last and if we do hit a rocky patch, I will work very hard to make it through (not anticipating one but I’d be foolish to rule it out).

OP posts:
IABUQueen · 01/07/2019 18:06

How do you see yourself having multiple ex DHs? Do you feel like it’s a pattern you followed or is it just mere bad luck ?

Original poster
EltonHoratio · 01/07/2019 18:25

I feel a bit of a knob to be honest. I’m obviously a terrible judge of character although in all other forms of life I seem to manage ok.

I’ve been relatively successful at work and have a good group of lovely friends. I just married badly three times.

I wish I hadn’t in truth, I wouldn’t mind one ex husband but three makes me a knob.

OP posts: