I have a secret - multiple marriages

[EltonHoratio]

I’m a regular poster under a different name. I have a secret and I’d like your opinions. I’ve been married 4 times. Obviously some people know my secret, but as the first 2 marriages were pre social media and a long time ago, most people think I’ve been married twice and I don’t correct them. DH knows the truth.

Some may think it was gold digging, quite the opposite, all were skint, all left me i debt. I’ve managed to have a nice life through my own hard work.

No children. Only DH has children from a previous relationship.

Do you judge me? What are your thoughts?

I'd say you must love wedding cake

I wouldn't judge. I would however think perhaps you had a thing for 'getting married'

But in all seriousness, as long as your mental/emotional health is solid - keep cracking at life!

Goodgrief woman! I missed your last post! You need to be COMMENDED for rebuilding yourself after that and not to lose your trust in people.

You left when it was clear it was never going to be worth staying, you stayed single for some years in between and you still have a heart that has not been soured with these disappointments.

Be proud of yourself, many of the people who judge you have sexless marriages, alcoholic or cheating partners and live walking on eggshells or totally ignored but they still believe the fallacy that a long term marriage is necessarily a successful one. I’m sure your life is much better than that.

I wouldn't judge. I had 3 failed marriages behind me at 40. Very similar circumstances to yours tbh. I'm not sure I'm brave enough to ever go for number 4 though! Far too cynical 😬

@ProteinshakesandAntonsbum, getting married the third time wasn’t my idea and my primary reason for agreeing was to make life simpler with our public sector pensions which then had no survivor benefits for unmarried partners. I also didn’t want to co own a house with someone I wasn’t married to.

And my gut, as well as my heart, told me it was different this time. Why on earth am I justifying myself?

I wouldn't judge you, as you've no children (I might feel a bit sorry for them if you had any from your first or second marriage). I also admire your optimism.

Weirdly, I read your op and made the assumption that you're very attractive and smiley and I've no idea why.

I've been married twice to men who had nothing and left me skint. My only question to you and me is why do we do it? And don't do it again.

I've never been married. Do you judge me? I suspect that you don't give a toss which is exactly where I'm at with you

Seriously, what the fuck has it got to do with me?

I think what is relevant is how long you have spent being single?

Life is a journey of discovery and some of us have less to learn. I have 2 failed long term relationships but 1st was very young and he became a problem drinker..it was right to leave. The 2nd was a marriage and he was abusive. I think both have "stigma" since I was commited to both..family & friends knew them, I had Wills on place, house buying, emergency contacts etc.

What my past shows me is that I have much to learn. Often I am too optimistic, too naive and I ignore my instincts, this is a product of my personality and upbringing.. I think some people are more fortunate in life and were lucky to have good guidance growing up and a natural temperature to not be too trusting. I see the contrast in my siblings, same "programming" was given to all children but I took it on board differently.
I don't blame myself but I do need to know myself and react differently.

I would never marry again..Oo, why did you marry this time?

Nope, you do not have to disclose anything from your past that you don't want people to know.

I wouldn't care. If I knew, I'd assume that maybe you had a bit of a wild past, the type to go to Vegas with their new bf and end up married for a laugh, that sort of thing. So maybe people will fill in the blanks incorrectly if they knew.

I'd keep it to myself too just because I wouldn't want to go into conversations with people about the various exes and what went wrong. None of anyone's business.

I’d be curious, but I wouldn’t judge on that alone without knowing the circumstances

If I was your friend and knew your story I’d think you’d made some bad choices when you were younger but would be glad that you’d found someone more stable and good for you now. I think fourth marriage at 50 would generally be viewed more favourably than someone who was 25 and already on their fourth spouse though

@Snidpan this

I wouldn't judge you. I work in a high divorce occupation so multiple marriages / divorces are the norm in my world!

My ex-husband was a nightmare so l can relate to the divorcing part. Impressed by your optimism as not sure if l will do it again? If l do, it would definitely be the 2nd and final time. An acquaintance is on her 3rd engagement in the time l have known her, l have only know her 5-6 years.

I think people judge the '4 by 4' types more and you haven't had kids to complicate things. I suppose one question would be why get married at all when so many people just live together? Are you an incurable romantic?

It's no-one's business really but you've led an interesting life!

I don't care really. Why did you marry 4 times?

It has never ever occurred to me to ask any of my friends how many times they have been married. Not really any of my business. After my sister's first marriage broke up (he was a horrible man who cheated on her) - she then told us she had been his 4th wife. But he married her when he was about 24 so 4 wives in 6 years would have been a bit of a red flag to us! How many people you have married is no one else's business except the partner you are with.

No it’s none of mine or anyone else’s business, people divorce for all sorts of reasons and I’d be more likely inclined to believe you had bad marriages and wanted to leave than anything else. Exmil had 5 husbands and left when she got bored, I was a bit but still not my place to judge.

Don't care about how many times you have married .
I just wish you happiness in this one. Xxc

Sorry should've RTfT

I'm rather impressed. It was such a nightmare even finding an H1. Then he turned out to be a version of hell.

DH2 is a total blessing and worth the price of H1 if DH2 is the prize.

I would try not to judge you but probably would wonder why on earth you kept going with marriage after no. 3. I couldn't be arsed.

I know of someone who has been married 6 times and looking for no. 7. Her choice, but her only adult son is seriously fucked up, there's been no stability in his life and he is going down the same route, learned behaviour and all of that...

Do you have DC OP?

Not remotely interested in your ancient marital history.

My gran was married 5 times. Clearly a glutton for punishment.

As for judging you, why on earth would I (or anyone?) It's nobody else's business.

“My gran was married 5 times. Clearly a glutton for punishment.

As for judging you, why on earth would I (or anyone?) It's nobody else's business.”

Clearly, that’s no judgement at all, no...

The only one who should have an opinion is your husband and he already knows.

I would be interested to know why you had been married and (presumably) divorced so many times and still actively wanted to be married, but in an idle musing kind of way.

Why do you care so much about what other people think?