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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have a secret - multiple marriages

202 replies

EltonHoratio · 29/06/2019 11:37

I’m a regular poster under a different name. I have a secret and I’d like your opinions. I’ve been married 4 times. Obviously some people know my secret, but as the first 2 marriages were pre social media and a long time ago, most people think I’ve been married twice and I don’t correct them. DH knows the truth.

Some may think it was gold digging, quite the opposite, all were skint, all left me i debt. I’ve managed to have a nice life through my own hard work.

No children. Only DH has children from a previous relationship.

Do you judge me? What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
DramaRamaLlama · 29/06/2019 11:58

I wouldn't judge in your circumstances but I would if you had children involved.

I'm quite nosey though so would be interested in lengths and gaps.

I'm also intrigued as to your optimism Grin

Jebuschristchocolatebar · 29/06/2019 11:59

I wouldn’t judge you but its alien to me. As 40 year old Irish person I don’t know any people who are even divorced in my circle of friends and I’ve never been to a second wedding or know anyone who is married for a second time. The divorce laws in ireland mean you have to be living apart for 5 years to get divorced. This will soon be reduced to two years with new laws.

TheQueef · 29/06/2019 11:59

I'm ok with it.

BrokenWing · 29/06/2019 12:01

If your first 3 marriages failed because you were unfaithful within weeks of marriage then someone might judge that, if you married within weeks of meeting each of your exhs maybe someone would judge that, but without knowing the ins and outs, which are no ones business, they shouldn't judge based on the number 4 alone.

Although agree with Barbarian that friends might get a bit cynical celebrating your death do us part vows during your 3+ marriages.

PotteringAlong · 29/06/2019 12:01

I wouldn’t judge, but if I found out and you’ve kept it quiet I would assume you were slightly judging yourself.

missperegrinespeculiar · 29/06/2019 12:05

well, my only thought would be you had been a bit unlucky in love and to hope you had found a relationship you were fully happy with now

TalkinAboutManetManet · 29/06/2019 12:05

I wouldn’t judge you- it’s none of my business.

That said, if my brother or friend got engaged to someone who had been divorced three times, I would be concerned.

PolkadotLollipop · 29/06/2019 12:05

So long as DH knows (there are no secrets that could come back and bite you in the backside) then there is no problem, surely? It’s no one else’s business.

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 29/06/2019 12:06

I wouldn't judge as an outsider, but I wouldn't marry someone who had been married three times before. I'd be concerned they took marriage lightly and they'd be off at the slightest hiccup.

Birdrib · 29/06/2019 12:06

It’s the same as number of previous relationships or sexual partners, it’s no one else’s business. Crack on!

StayAChild · 29/06/2019 12:06

Nothing to do with anyone else. However, I would be slightly worried that your inlaws could inadvertently find out, and I would want to have something in place with your DH to address that scenario.

Chocolatehat · 29/06/2019 12:07

Depends:

If you broke up your marriages, then I would conclude that vows mean nothing to you and I wouldn't trust your word.

If your EXHs broke up your marriages I would think you had bad luck.

If you were widowed several times I would sympathise with you.

Banhaha · 29/06/2019 12:09

I wouldn't care, I'd assume there was a reason why each ended and wouldn't pry. If you told me they all ended because you were unfaithful shortly after your wedding then I'd probably think you just like getting married and aren't taking it very seriously. But other than that I'd assume you'd gone into each one thinking it was for life and something had gone wrong.

CornerofUpandDown · 29/06/2019 12:09

The person who needs to know knows. Otherwise, who cares?

Waveysnail · 29/06/2019 12:09

My mum was divorced before metting my dad. No one else knows but my dd and immediate family. I only found out at 16. No one else's business. No I wouldnt tell people been married 4x unless they know u really well as people do judge

Mintychoc1 · 29/06/2019 12:11

I don’t care, and it certainly wouldn’t affect how I treated someone if I heard they’d been married several times. But one thing that I often think (my dad has been married 5 times) is this - don’t you feel slightly foolish standing there and pledging to love someone and stay with them until death, forsaking all other etc.....knowing that you’ve done it once, twice, 3 times, 4 times before, and then not stuck to it? I think if it were me, after marriage number 2 I’d probably just cohabit!

Obviously it’s different if you’ve been widowed, or abused, or abandoned. But situations where a couple have just fallen out of love - I think I’d dispense with the showy marriage vows the next time!

Banhaha · 29/06/2019 12:11

I think you need to own it and not be afraid to let people know if it comes up and don't lie. If you try to hide it it will look worse when it comes out, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

drspouse · 29/06/2019 12:12

@Chocolatehat men can break their vows without leaving. Being abusive is breaking your vows. "Breaking up the marriage" sounds like you are saying the one who left is at fault.

katseyes7 · 29/06/2019 12:12

One of my very good friends has been married three times.
First one - l think they married too young, and she had 8 miscarriages with him, which was very difficult for both of them. She's still very good friends with him and his (now) wife, and godmother to their boys.
Second one - lovely man, just not right for each other. They tried IVF, it didn't work.
Third one - she had two children with him. He buggered off and left her with them. His loss.
She's a lovely, genuine person who made some bad choices and had some bad luck. She's in a relationship now and l really hope this is the one. She seems very happy, thank goodness.

lt's no one else's business. No one knows someone until they've lived with them. My mother was devastated when l split up with my ex, and thought l should stay with him, despite knowing there was abuse.

Snidpan · 29/06/2019 12:14

some people just like wedding cake

FizzyGreenWater · 29/06/2019 12:14

If no children, it really is not that significant. You just chose to go forward to marriage with several of your long-term relationships. Other people might have had even more partners and for longer in their past.

Without kids, it's pretty easy to divorce and go your separate ways.

I don't see how it makes much difference tbh

user1497997754 · 29/06/2019 12:14

I have been married 4 times my current hubby knows and I told him before we got together. When people ask if I have been married before I say yes and that it didn't work out.....I don't elaborate any further than that....unless good friends and then I might offer some further info.....play it down.....for along time I felt lime a complete failure but now I don't care 1 jot xxxxx

WeMarchOn · 29/06/2019 12:15

I totally read the title as you are currently married to 4 men 🤔

WeMarchOn · 29/06/2019 12:15

Well multiple

Yeahyeahyeahyeeeeah · 29/06/2019 12:16

If i were your DH’s family, I think I would wonder if you were ‘easy come, easy go’ and be concerned for the current Mr Elton.