I have a secret - multiple marriages

[EltonHoratio]

I’m a regular poster under a different name. I have a secret and I’d like your opinions. I’ve been married 4 times. Obviously some people know my secret, but as the first 2 marriages were pre social media and a long time ago, most people think I’ve been married twice and I don’t correct them. DH knows the truth.

Some may think it was gold digging, quite the opposite, all were skint, all left me i debt. I’ve managed to have a nice life through my own hard work.

No children. Only DH has children from a previous relationship.

Do you judge me? What are your thoughts?

I'd only internally question why you felt like 3rd or 4th time was the charm. Is your DH not concerned it might end the same way?

@TheManThatLovesJustice

*You're

Oh and yes, if my brother was marrying someone who had been married 3 times before, I would assume it's not going to last.

I woildnt judge you or tell him not to marry you. I would, deep down, expect to not work.

How long have you been with dh?

I’d wonder why you kept bothering to get married? I’d have stopped at 2!

I’d also be worried if a friend or relative got with somebody married that many times. That they were a bit flighty.

@EltonHoratio, I've also reported that post.

I wouldn't judge you. Sounds like you've had some shitty luck with relationships.

Wishing you every happiness with your DH.

@EltonHoratio

To be honest, I have a lot more respect for someone who has been married (and divorced) 4 times, than someone who stays with the same person for 30+ years out of habit/coz they just settled/they're scared of being alone/they're staying for the kids/it's easier to stay than leave...........

So many people do this, and it's a waste of life. Some people stay for the kids, and then when they have gone, they realise their best years are behind them, and it's too late for them for start over, and regret not leaving 10-15 years earlier.

Far better to move on when you're unhappy/when the marriage is dead.

All that said, I agree with a few other posters that once you have done it say, twice, why bother carrying on doing it?

I do know a woman who has been married seven times, (divorced six! This seventh one is the last one... ever.... so she says haha,) and she is often the butt of many jokes (although always light-hearted.) She even takes the piss out of herself!

I think some people must just love getting married/being married, like some people have 5+ kids because they love being pregnant, and adore being around lots of children.

Each to their own. Everyone is different.

I might think you had married in haste in your youth, but not in a judgemental way.

I don't believe in over sharing. Choosing not to tell people doesn't mean you are keeping it a secret. It simply means that it is none of their business. If they asked you 'how many times have you been married' then you there is no need to lie, but if it doesn't come up directly, there is no need to share. You would be equally within your rights to respond to a question like that in a non-committal - it is none of your business - way.

I would think you're one of those people who can't be alone. Whilst I cannot relate that would be the extent of my judgement.
I have a male friend who is on wife nr 4. I'd still be friends with him if he was on wife nr 1. It's irrelevant really.

Actually OP I think your marriage number 2 demonstrates that you don’t take marriage seriously. That for you it’s about the event rather than the commitment. I’ve never been married, because to me it really is forever, and I’ve never been sure enough in any of my relationships. I have to be 100% certain. Not just thinking “ah well everyone has spent a lot of money so I’d best go head with it, I can always get divorced later”.
So yes, on reflection, I might judge you for your casual attitude to something I take very seriously.

It's no one else's business but I don't think there's any need to lie? I can't imagine it comes up much in normal conversation anyway. I would certainly never ask anyone about previous marriages unless I knew them very well.

It's odd that your DH is the one pushing the lie. It's not his place to decide that your past is somehow shameful. I'd be pissed off about that. He should love you for who you are. That doesn't mean he needs to shout about your previous marriages from the rooftops, but to conceal them from family and close friends is out of order.

How can we judge when we don't know the circumstances? For all we know you could have been unlucky enough to have 3x dh's die, cancer/car accident etc.

Well it isnt anyones business but tbh I would judge. I would think you are someone who doesnt value commitment that much. What's the chances of bad marriages happening 3 times to one person. But I would never say that to you. I completely understand why your dh might not want others to know. They would probably think that it only a matter of time before he's on his way out.

yellowpants OP has told us the circumstances

I wouldnt but i can see why you did each time maybe not number 2-but no its noone business

I would think that when it comes to relationships you rush in and make poor judgments

But that doesnt impact me, so wouldnt bother me.

If you were a family member of mine, it would bother me if you were always feeling sorry for yourself, taking up emotionally energy then going straight in and making the same mistake again.

My grandmother was married 5 times, her first husband was my mum’s dad and was awful apparently, one was the ‘love of her life’ and they were very happy till he sadly dies of cancer, and the one I called my ‘Grandpa’ was a lovely man who she saw out her days with. I’m hazy on the details of the other two.

It was never really discussed in detail, but long after she was gone we would occasionally reference the fact she was ‘a bit of a rum’un’ - not just the marriages, she had a colourful life in general. I don’t think we ever judged her for it, though I’m sure she did get some judgement from others at the time. My mum definitely went the other way though and stuck with the same man from her teens, even though she shouldn’t have really. She was never keen to move house or anything like that - she really craved stability which I’m sure was a reaction to her own mum’s life.

I’ve a cousin getting married next year, it’s his 4th wedding and her 3rd and I don’t judge exactly but do sort of wonder what’s the point or what do they think will be different this time? But then I assume that’s a decision they’ve come to/ discussion they’ve had between themselves and if they’re happy this is right for them then it’s not really any of my business. Their relationship has already lasted longer than at least two of his marriages, and they do seem very happy.

I’d probably assume you had quite low standards or were overly emotional and got caught up in lust

So many judgemental people! I intended all mine to last for ever.

First, lasted seven years, we grew apart, we were too young.

Second, lasted six months, he cheated.

Third, nineteen years and still going strong.

Hope has triumphed over experience.

You've just formalised what many people would do today, which is live with someone as a marriage without the certificate. No big deal at all.

alsohuman but also by the third time, given you thought the other 2 were forever, personally I wouldnt go for a third.

Because that proves you may believe its forever, but doesnt mean it is.

I dont think anyone is judging op as a bad person. Your third marriage is working. Hers didnt.....again.

How is off to questions how much thought she is putting in, or how well is she actually getting to know these men before committing forever.

She had promised forever 4 times. At some point, you have to realise that you arent good at knowing when its forever.

I know after my first marriage. I couldnt see he was an abuser. So, I woildnt promise forever to someone else, knowing that I dont always see shitty behaviour for what it is.

I’d have not been keen on attending your 4th wedding if invited (and had been at the others), I’d have been bored of hearing your vows over again.

I agree with your feeling that nobody will judge (openly) but deep down they do.

People tend to think that a string of significant relationships are of less value than a very long marriage. But if your marriages were good for a good while and you and your ex husbands were brave enough to recognise it was time to part when you grew to be different, incompatible, were making each other miserable, and tried long enough to save the marriage, I think you should be commended for your courage to jump into the unknown and the trust to start again rather stay in the security of a dead marriage. At the end of the day it takes far more courage to leave than stay in a dreadful marriage.

I wouldn’t judge you, and this is going to sound meaner than I mean it to, but especially at your age.

I would presume a marriage very young and then things not working out for whatever reason. Thing with relationships is it takes two people to make it work and if the other person crosses boundaries then I don’t think anyone should stay in a marriage tbh. I think there’s a fair few women who would probably be better off cutting their losses.

Saying that, I haven’t been married so could be talking out my rear end. I have been with DP for getting near to two decades though but there have been times I think others will have thought I should have ended it but we worked through it. I believe all that really proves is it is dependent on the relationship and people involved as to what ‘lasts’ and what doesn’t. It depends on who you’re talking to but I suppose some people will see your three previous marriages as more valid than my one relationship because of the ceremony and therefore that means you should have been more ‘responsible’ in some way i.e. martyr yourself to a lifetime of misery because you signed a contract.

I think your DH’s view is quite old fashioned tbh. As long as it’s not really relevant to your life now I wouldn’t over think it.

I wouldn't judge just hope you are happy where you are now.

Since you don't have any children from any of the marriages, I wouldn't be disapproving and it is fair enough to come out of .

However, as you are the common factor in 3 failed marriages, without knowing more details (e.g. who was to blame for the break up), I would assume:

• you are a bad judge of character
• you go in too lightly into marriage, probably for wrong reasons
• you are difficult to live with

Now that you have clarified the circumstances (and the fact your first marriage was at 19 so you have a long lead up ramp), I would say that you have finally learnt from your past 3 marriages.

Hope 4th time is lucky for you.