I have a secret - multiple marriages

[EltonHoratio]

I’m a regular poster under a different name. I have a secret and I’d like your opinions. I’ve been married 4 times. Obviously some people know my secret, but as the first 2 marriages were pre social media and a long time ago, most people think I’ve been married twice and I don’t correct them. DH knows the truth.

Some may think it was gold digging, quite the opposite, all were skint, all left me i debt. I’ve managed to have a nice life through my own hard work.

No children. Only DH has children from a previous relationship.

Do you judge me? What are your thoughts?

I thought from the heading that you were admitting to being a bigamist multiple times.

I think you’re an incurable optimist. 😂. I’ve done it twice and this leads me to conclude it’s not for me. But good luck to you if you’re happy now.

Couldn’t care less. Marriage doesn’t mean one thing to everyone. Personally I have no issue for example with people marrying for residency/green cards if both parties consent. It’s just a legal contract stating in the eyes of the law you’re a unit. You could have been married ten times and I wouldn’t give a toss. It’s a really outdated view that marriage has to mean eternal undying love and commitment until one of you dies imo.

I wouldn't care.

DH has been married 3 times, for three different reasons. This never bothered me and he doesn't keep it a secret. He just says " everyone is entitled to make a few mistakes".

Nobody else's business really and no one else's place to judge.
DH knows and so he should. Presumably your family know.
I think you just don't need to mention it really.

I'm 42 and I'm also curious as to how other people get so many people to marry them. I've been engaged once and we split up but apart from that - nothing!!
Friend of mine from school is the same age and she is on husband number 3 now. I hope she is finally happy. I don't judge her. The first two husbands were fuckwits.
Another friend has just married for the third time - she's a bit older than me. First marriage - she was very young and she says she was too young. It lasted barely any time at all. Very few people know about that marriage. Second marriage lasted 12 years or so and they had two children - it just didn't work out - she finished with him. Third marriage - hopefully she will be happy this time.

I think a lot of people have short marriages from when they were young and don't mention it.

I would wonder why the heck you keep on getting married. After two failed marriages, why not just live together without wasting money on a wedding and another possible divorce?
I do judge people who get married three or more times because to me, it looks like they don't take marriage seriously, aren't willing to work on relationships and are fickle.

Happy to say for those who asked.

1. We were both 19, met at 17. Totally besotted. We both had turbulent childhoods and thought we were soul mates. Married 4 years. I didn’t know until after but he’d cheated throughout, he left me.

1. I was 29. He was a flash geezer with a passion for fast cars and designer labels. Together 3years, planned to marry abroad with family present. I had big doubts beforehand and didn’t truly want to go through with it but family had invested time and money so I felt I had no choice. Very naive. Lasted less than a year.

1. 6 years later. I was 35. Together 13 years married 10. He was a problem drinker, gambler and womaniser and I don’t know half of the truth still. I left him.

1. Married for fourth and last time at 50. 2 years ago.

At each wedding I truly believed he was the one (except number 2) I would spend my life with, no doubts so feeling foolish didn’t come into it, it felt right.

Even writing it down tells me I was attracted to the wrong sorts! DH is totally different, as I said much more conservative, doesn’t drink much, doesn’t gamble, likes nice things, hopefully not a womaniser 😂

I do wonder why you kept getting married?? Marriage is meant to be a life long commitment but your on your 4th. But ultimately people do far worse in life, it’s not like you’ve downed a baby.

I don’t know why you’d need to correct anyone when they assume it’s twice, your not lying you just aren’t correcting them. Most of us have done that at some point in our lives

I wouldn’t judge you but I would be curious about the circumstances and having been through one divorce I would think you are mad.

Yes I’ve reported that post.

Not really appropriate in my view.

@drspouse I agree. A person can break up a marriage by not following any of the marriage vows. They do not need to leave.

So what?

I have a very good friend on DH number 3 and he's an arse too. She just has very bad taste in men and acknowledges it. I don't judge her.

If I went to the same person’s wedding 4 times, as they made their vows I’m afraid I’d be thinking “here we go again”!!
My dad won’t divorce and marry again, I’m certain. But that’s not so much due to him having found his soulmate. It’s more to do with being 83 and tired!
It’s not the failed relationships that baffle me. After all, we’ve all made mistakes in our choices, or been let down, tricked etc. What confuses me is the relentless desire to keep getting married! Why not just accept that you don’t always get it right, so it’s best to take the precaution of living together instead. Avoid the public show.

I have a slightly different perspective to this. I have a very good longstanding friend who has been married 3 times (currently on 3rd marriage), engaged a couple more times, a couple more long relationships. Each marriage was a big showy affair - lots of talk about the mistakes in the past. What I have found over time is that my friend glides through life with very little thought about her impact to others, so she is the same with friendships - lots of big showy gestures but little real effort. So pp on here talking about how this doesnt impact others - perhaps the marriages dont apart from the expected wedding gifts - but the approach to life and others certainly does.

I've been divorced twice and tbh I don't trust my judgement re relationships. I also know that if the shit hit the fan very badly ie found out he was a gambler/dishonest or something I would walk. I don't feel that I can guarantee how I will feel about someone in 15 years time. I, personally, would feel dishonest getting married again. I know there's a get out clause and I would use it if I wanted to.

I don't judge you though, I don't care what other people choose to do with their lives. I also wouldn't judge someone who had children with different fathers for their DC.

I'd have been shocked if you'd kept it a secret from your current husband, but other than that I wouldn't care.
Years ago, I knew a woman who was on her 5th marriage and I did judge her a bit, because she married all of them for really stupid reasons (to leave home, because she was having and affair and felt she had to marry the OM, because she wanted a new house, I forget the others but not one mention of being in love). But even then, it didn't really affect me until she kicked Number 5 out and starting asking me to introduce her to my single male friends. I declined and detached and she moved away soon afterwards, so I've no idea if there was ever a 6th wedding.

I’ve been married twice, neither worked out. I was so embarrassed at the thought of being 30 and divorced twice that I stayed in the relationship longer than I should have done, which meant the end when it came was messier than it perhaps needed to be. So no judgment. We all make mistakes.

I don’t judge you at all and, like pp said, would be more likely to admire your optimism! I think that people who get married very young are much more likely to end up in the multiple marriage category, IME. The few people I’ve know that got married at 18-19 have been divorced by 21. So can see how it happens. I also know people who have been pressured into marriage simply because they’ve been married before, and the new person feels less than, if they won’t marry them.

It does sound though, that your husband judges you. That’s isn’t acceptable to me really at all.

If that’s all I knew about you I wouldn’t care and it wouldn’t bother me.
If a relative of mine was about to marry somebody 3 times divorced I would wonder why their previous marriages failed and the part they played- one divorce is unlucky, anyone can make a mistake. Three is looking like a pattern. I would also wonder why you were bothering to get married again. I might make up theories based on the impression I already have of you.

In the main though that would all be secondary to your personality. If I knew and limed you it wouldn’t bother me.

I assumed you meant all at once.

TheManThatLovesJustice wrong site, love. Reported.

Honestly. Mum was married 3 times. Now divorcing, but planning to marry a fourth.

It did impact me as a kid. Not sure if you have had kids along the way. Step dads, to me is not a permanent status. It's not great for kids.

I dont judge the whole person. But I just think 'what's the point?' 3 times you have believed it was forever, what make this time any different.

As a friend, personally, I would find going to 4 of your wedding a but tiresome.

I dont judge your morals or think you should be ashamed, but I would think 'again?'

*Your a very naughty girl i would love to entertain you im a proud jewish boy and all around a happy geezer to go to the pub with.

Soooo... wanna fuck??*

I truly wonder if that ever actually works?

Do women honestly think ‘wow such a beautiful way with words and clearly completely truthful about being an around great guy, yes let’s fuck’ because I have a hard time believing anyone has ever taken you up on your offer.

It seems such a waste of time/life to be trolling the internet with crude pick up lines hoping someone might actually take you up on the offer one day!
Why not get out and find a life? It’s quite pathetically sad really.

*Liked you