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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I have a secret - multiple marriages

202 replies

EltonHoratio · 29/06/2019 11:37

I’m a regular poster under a different name. I have a secret and I’d like your opinions. I’ve been married 4 times. Obviously some people know my secret, but as the first 2 marriages were pre social media and a long time ago, most people think I’ve been married twice and I don’t correct them. DH knows the truth.

Some may think it was gold digging, quite the opposite, all were skint, all left me i debt. I’ve managed to have a nice life through my own hard work.

No children. Only DH has children from a previous relationship.

Do you judge me? What are your thoughts?

OP posts:

WitsEnding · 29/06/2019 15:44

I've been married 3 times (divored twice, widowed). I'm too easily persuaded. If I met someone in their 70s on their fourth marriage I'd think nothing of it; mid-thirties I'd cross my fingers for them but wonder what the problem was.

Enko · 29/06/2019 15:49

My dad has been married 5 times twice to the same woman. His last wife made him happy and contended. He is a widow now and has been since she died 10 years ago. Her grave plot is where he wants to be buried. I don't recall ever feeling odd about it though there was a fair bit of joking around when he remarried wife no 3 and 4.

I tend to say if it comes up that " he is the eternal optimist" However I would hate to think he would have not married wife no 5 due to worrying what other people would think. He would have missed out.

IABUQueen · 29/06/2019 15:57

Not in a judgemental way but if I had a dear friend marrying for the fourth time (did so) I would have harsh words with her about not rushing things and not giving people too much benefit of the doubt. I’d be impressed how she didn’t internalize her negative experiences in a bad way but I’d be concerned that she will continue with the same pattern.. unless her marriages ended in a not so bad way.

If she had kids I’d be devastated for them.

Would almost feel like trial and error process of elimination which does impact people around you.

I wouldn’t judge your character at all though, I think marriage these days is such a gamble but that’s why I would hope you go into it with your eyes open. Would sympathize and wish you a happy life sincerely with this 4rth marriage because I’d be concerned about you if it breaks as it does seem like you struggle to be alone, and so wouldn’t want the impact of having no more hope in marriage to affect you badly.

Sorry to ramble. It’s not personal. I know someone in the same circumstances and I am worried about them actually

IABUQueen · 29/06/2019 16:05

Having said that, I did have some harsh words with said dear friend because of her kids and she hated me for it and hasn’t been avoiding me. I just told her to not rush and take her time and that I can only be happy for her if she makes sure she doesn’t need give a new guy in her life alll the benefit of the doubt at the cost of her kids who are suffering from such instability. So maybe I’m unreasonable.

Original poster

EltonHoratio · 29/06/2019 16:13

Thanks everyone, some interesting stories. For those who asked why I married for the fourth time, several reasons, I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him, I like being married 😊 obviously, there is more security in marriage, I’m a bit old fashioned in some ways (I know you’re thinking how can I be) and being married works in my work situation. The final reason is much lesser of a reason.

OP posts:

stucknoue · 29/06/2019 16:13

The only person who may have judged you is your now dh! Though I'm not sure would be inviting the same guests. I'm unsure what you do even for number 2 (haven't met anyone yet but it's on my mind due to dd watching say yes to the dress currently)

Original poster

EltonHoratio · 29/06/2019 16:15

only my parents were guests at all four. Quite a few at 3rd and 4th.

OP posts:

womaninthedark · 29/06/2019 16:17

OP, I admire your optimism.

Purpleartichoke · 29/06/2019 16:18

This is my second marriage. The first pre-dates social media and there were no children. I do always feel a bit odd that people don’t realize I’ve been married before. If I casually mention my XH, there is always surprise and that makes me feel like I should have found some way to declare it, but then realize that would be ridiculous

TanMateix · 29/06/2019 16:19

I don’t know why people keep assuming that getting married 4 times means you have indulged in all the white wedding paraphernalia every time.... Most people wouldn’t bear revisiting that circus regardless of how amazing subsequent relationships are.

Most of us would say, next time I’m getting married at the local registry with witnesses pulled from the street.

Singlenotsingle · 29/06/2019 16:21

Not judgmental at all. I've been married three times, divorced twice. I'm no good at it. The last one died but we were separated. Current DP and I have been happily together for 16 years but marriage is the kiss of death and I'm NOT doing it..

PutYourShirtOnMartin · 29/06/2019 16:22

I am on DH number 3...I call him my current DH.

Been with him for 15 yrs and married for 11 of those. Our marriage has lasted longer than the other two put together.
I don't give a shit what others think...

TanMateix · 29/06/2019 16:31

Strangely, she was one of the most independent women I've ever met, a real moverr and shaker if you like. She was a Local Councillor for years, and was brilliant in that role

No woman is more attractive than the one who clearly does not need a man.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 29/06/2019 16:37

Disappointed, I thought you were a secret bigamist.

Don't care two hoots how many times you've been married.

Original poster

EltonHoratio · 29/06/2019 17:17

@TanMateix

I would suggest very few people need a man, I don’t need one, I just like being married.

OP posts:

Original poster

EltonHoratio · 29/06/2019 17:18

Sorry not a bigamist 😂
It would be a more interesting story, perhaps when I’m a little old lady telling stories to my step great grand children I’ll tell them I was!

OP posts:

IABUQueen · 29/06/2019 17:19

Are you particular religious OP and in a sense don’t believe in intimacy outside of marriage ? Just curious

MyGastIsFlabbered · 29/06/2019 17:24

I'd admire your optimism! I've been married and divorced twice and swore I'd never do it again, but current boyfriend is making me rethink that decision

MitziK · 29/06/2019 17:29

If you were a mate, I'd probably say something 'If you wanted a new toaster and teatowels that much, I'd have bought them for you'.

Rest of the time - who cares?

Oysterbabe · 29/06/2019 17:34

A guy at work does get a bit of gentle teasing about his numerous marriages but it's mostly centred around the fact that 2 of the marriages (and divorces) were to the same woman.

My uncle has been married 4 times and he joked about it a lot at his 4th wedding. In his speech he mentioned that these inlaws are his favourite so far.

I don't think it's a big deal but there's really no need to bring it up if you don't want to.

BoronationStreet · 29/06/2019 17:41

This is a non-issue OP. Honestly if anyone judges you for how you've lived your life, then fuck them. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

scarbados · 29/06/2019 17:52

No-one else's business. I'm married for the second time but between divorce and re-marriage I had 2 live-in relationships. I'm sure there are many people who've done the same, especially when they reach their 50s and upwards.

I think I did judge my first husband a bit when I found out after our break-up that I wasn't his second wife, as he'd told me, but his 4th. One failed marriage by 32 seemed normal to me but 3 was pushing it a bit and I'd have been a bit less keen on making a commitment to him had I known before.

Nicolastuffedone · 29/06/2019 18:15

Personally, after 2 failed marriages, I definitely wouldn’t have gone for another one, never mind 2!

soberken · 29/06/2019 18:32

What's your secret? I can't even find a boyfriend

BernardsarenotalwaysSaints · 29/06/2019 18:35

I too thought you may be a bigamist

No, I wouldn’t judge. Life happens.

My Mum has been married 5 times, my Dad was number 3. Number 4 was so short it was annulled, she’s celebrating her silver wedding anniversary to number 5 this year.

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