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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel threatened by SS

298 replies

sashypants · 28/06/2019 17:07

Back in February I had a massive meeting with my HV and my sons nursery, it was about his on going behaviour towards his siblings.

I said some days I wished I wasn't here and because of that, they got SS involved. I welcomed the help thinking that they'd either 1) take ds off me (would make me happy for about a day!) Or 2) get him seen by a physiologist .

FF to now and I'm just pissed off. The guy comes (the 3rd social worker we've had btw!!) Sees things are tough then says "awk well hopefully we can get you some help" this has been his words for the last 3 meetings.

So I refused any more meetings, and told him why. His response "I do understand but if we work together we can get you some help" 😤 but now I've got a letter that states if I do not comply with the meetings they will set up a childrens hearing basically, so pretty much I have to let them through my door or they will get some court order in place to be let through my door.

I feel this is grossly unfair, it's pretty much their way and nothing I can do about it 😓 am I really BU to request no more meetings

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 28/06/2019 17:11

It depends what has been going on. Their role is to support you, but it is also to assess what support your children need, and to do that they have to have access to them, don’t they?

Original poster
sashypants · 28/06/2019 17:16

@herclulepoirot2 yes I understand that but I simply do not want anymore visits. We haven't got any help, he hasn't suggested anything that may even be constructed as help. The words in my OP are what he says
"Hows it going"
"Incredibly shit, behaviour still on going. This happened and x happened. Oh y also happened"
"Hmm that's tough, yeah I see it's tough on you guys. Well I'll arrange a time to come out next week and see about getting you some help"

That's all he bloody says

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 28/06/2019 17:17

I understand, OP, but if he remains concerned about your children he has no choice.

makingmammaries · 28/06/2019 17:19

So reply to their letter, recorded delivery, saying what you have told us and asking when they will provide some help instead of just being an additional drain on your resources. Maybe someone can suggest a more diplomatic wording.

ASauvignonADay · 28/06/2019 17:19

What level of intervention is it? Is it early he'll typo support, child in need or child protection?

Original poster
sashypants · 28/06/2019 17:22

@ASauvignonADay I'm not entirely sure?
So far he has spoken to DS in nursery, spoken to him at the house when he has been there and then come out when DS not here about 5 times

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 28/06/2019 17:31

Op are you having strategy meetings, core group meetings.
Are any actions being recorded?

Freddiefox · 28/06/2019 17:33

Ask what do the nursery say? Have any referrals been made about his behaviour? Does he have a file? Is he behind in any areas of developed.
Maybe push to get the senco involved

Original poster
sashypants · 28/06/2019 17:36

No nothing like that, it's literally just what I described. He comes to my house, stays for about 6 minutes and then leaves.
The nursery think he is brilliant, they do not see any problems.
In the last week the behaviour has got so much better as well, that is another reason why I do not want anymore meetings. I think it's just sibling jealousy that hopefully with time will ease

OP posts:
Original poster
sashypants · 28/06/2019 17:37

No file as far as I'm aware. He doesn't come out with a folder or anything, it's just himself. He doesn't bring anything or note anything down.
No he isn't behind at all, it's just the behaviour towards his siblings I was concerned of

OP posts:
BitchPeas · 28/06/2019 17:38

I think I remember your previous threads OP. Has he got any help with his speech yet?

VivienneHolt · 28/06/2019 17:40

What help do you think you would benefit from? I think you need to tell him specifically.

fleshmarketclose · 28/06/2019 17:41

Have you asked your GP for a referral to a developmental paediatrician? He may have special needs which would explain the behavioural difficulties.

newmomof1 · 28/06/2019 17:43

In SS defence, you made a pretty bold statement in front of professionals who have your child's best interests at heart. They had no choice but to involve SS and SS have no choice but to act.

You say nothings happening but maybe you need to ask SW to confirm what the plan is. He may well just be monitoring you and DS to see where the challenges lie and how to move forward. I think it'd be difficult to do that in 1 or 2 visits.

You're just going to have to suck it up I think OP.

Original poster
sashypants · 28/06/2019 17:45

I thought he could benefit from a physiologist. His behaviour has been very angry and extreme at times but after love bombing him for over a week now, his behaviour has changed so much. He is like a different child.
I have already asked about a physiologist but he didn't think there was much need. He also doesn't think there is a need for a paediatrician either, nor does his nursery. They all say its jealousy, which I'm now leaning more towards after his behaviour has let up

OP posts:
Original poster
sashypants · 28/06/2019 17:47

@newmomof1 well that's how I feel. Some days because of his behaviour, I wish I was six feet under. He has been calculated and cruel. He laughs at hurting my daughters. He does not give one fuck.
It's been alot more than 2 meetings. He has been out about 8 times now but nothing is changing, he just keeps saying we will get you help. I'm fed up of it, I'm fed up of staying in to wait for him (he always turns up when I need to leave to drop dd off)
I just think its pointless

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 28/06/2019 17:49

Some days because of his behaviour, I wish I was six feet under. He has been calculated and cruel. He laughs at hurting my daughters. He does not give one fuck.

A nursery aged child?

I am very sorry you are feeling like this, but SW is right to insist.

Proseccoinamug · 28/06/2019 17:51

They obviously have safeguarding concerns. Unfortunately OP, crap as they sometimes are, you’re going to have to play the game or be seen as resistant / non compliant which is a red flag.

It is concerning that you say removing DS from your care ‘would make you happy for about a day’ - most parents literally can’t imagine anything worse. Not saying that to make you feel guilty. If he has SEN and behavioural issues it’s completely understandable to crave a bit of respite. But the way you say it... I welcomed the support because thy might take him away...suggests that you do need support with the dc and that the dc do need intervention / monitoring. if you’ve been saying these things to / in front of professionals, their alarm bells will be ringing.

Even if they’re not doing anything to help, you’re going to have to let them in I’m afraid.

TheDarkPassenger · 28/06/2019 17:51

If it’s not a child protection issue you don’t have to give consent

Proseccoinamug · 28/06/2019 17:53

Can you ask for a parenting course?

Also, I don’t think they can refuse you a referral to child development?

CleverQuacks · 28/06/2019 17:53

It sounds like you may still be having your assessment. This needs to happen before a plan of support can be put in place. How long has he been involved?

TooManyPaws · 28/06/2019 17:53

I'm presuming that you are in Scotland, OP, given that you mentioned a children's hearing. A children's hearing may be a legal entity but it is held like a conference where you will be able to say what you think and feel in front of the lay panel. You will be able to say what you feel you need and that social work are constantly changing worker and you still haven't got any help. The panel will want to know what you, your DS and the other DC feel about it and your DC can also give their side depending on their age. It's not held like a court hearing with social work leading a case against you; it's to find out what is best for the child referred as well as their family. It could very well be that social work are told to get their act in order for you to access help.

Speak to a solicitor to help you work out the best way forward; they can come with you too.

user1494670108 · 28/06/2019 17:55

For the next meeting can you try to get him to elaborate as to what type of help he might suggest and when that might be forthcoming?
You can't make statements like that and not expect intervention and he can't visit once and wave a magic wand to "fix" your sons behaviour.
It will all take time

BigRedLondonBus · 28/06/2019 17:55

SOUnds like he is assessing you which he is within his right to do, social services assessment can take 45 days to
Complete. And if you are saying worrying things like you have on here then it sounds like they are rightly involved

Original poster
sashypants · 28/06/2019 17:56

@herculepoirot2 do not even judge. I have been through hell in the last two years with my sons behaviour. I have put up with him hitting my dd, spitting on her, kicking her in the face.
His behaviour got extreme a few months ago but now its calmed down. He hasn't done 1 thing to harm either dd in about 3 weeks (big thing here!)

OP posts: