Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel threatened by SS

298 replies

sashypants · 28/06/2019 17:07

Back in February I had a massive meeting with my HV and my sons nursery, it was about his on going behaviour towards his siblings.

I said some days I wished I wasn't here and because of that, they got SS involved. I welcomed the help thinking that they'd either 1) take ds off me (would make me happy for about a day!) Or 2) get him seen by a physiologist .

FF to now and I'm just pissed off. The guy comes (the 3rd social worker we've had btw!!) Sees things are tough then says "awk well hopefully we can get you some help" this has been his words for the last 3 meetings.

So I refused any more meetings, and told him why. His response "I do understand but if we work together we can get you some help" 😤 but now I've got a letter that states if I do not comply with the meetings they will set up a childrens hearing basically, so pretty much I have to let them through my door or they will get some court order in place to be let through my door.

I feel this is grossly unfair, it's pretty much their way and nothing I can do about it 😓 am I really BU to request no more meetings

OP posts:
Original poster
sashypants · 28/06/2019 18:42

I realise it might look odd but I've got myself on ADs and honestly do feel much better for it.
Like I say we've resolved to spend more time with DS, taking him out more and getting the girls to a CM so we/I can play with him in the house and stuff, it has made a great deal of difference

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 28/06/2019 18:42

This all sounds great, OP. Accept all the help.

Original poster
sashypants · 28/06/2019 18:43

Well if I said "all because of my child" nobody would have known what I was talking about! Of course ds is my child

OP posts:
HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 28/06/2019 18:50

Your terminology is hugely shocking OP, and a red flag, you MUST be able to see that?

BigRedLondonBus · 28/06/2019 18:53

You could be saying things have improved to get them off you’re back from ss point of view.

CodenameVillanelle · 28/06/2019 18:55

Are you in England, Scotland or elsewhere?

herculepoirot2 · 28/06/2019 18:58

Whatever happens, OP, please try to understand that a nursery-aged child is not cruel or calculating. If they are violent, it is an impulsive reaction to anger, fear or stress. Your son needs you every bit as much as your daughters do.

Original poster
sashypants · 28/06/2019 19:01

No I don't Confused

OP posts:
Newschapter · 28/06/2019 19:06

Ds is your son?

Is your partner the father of the girls?

ASilhouetteAndNothingMore · 28/06/2019 19:07

You've said his behaviour has changed since you've been giving him more attention and "love bombing", it definitely sounds like his bad behaviour is a way to get your attention.
Are your other two children your current partners? Perhaps your son has picked up that they get more attention?
I agree with pps that nursery age children cannot be calculating.
You sound like you might be struggling with three very young children, I would make the most of this intervention and use the help they offer.

wotsittoyou · 28/06/2019 19:09

With kindness, I can see why SS would want to do an assessment based on what you're saying here. They have a mum presenting with self disclosed suicide ideation triggered by her small child, whose behaviour she has found unmanageable. From the outside, it looks like a recipe for disaster.

You've said that his behaviour has improved in the last three weeks. This is a short period, and it will probably be no comfort to ss to hear that you are feeling better and are better able to manage him now that he is behaving better. They'd want reassurance that you can manage and everyone is safe (including you) on the bad days too.

Original poster
sashypants · 28/06/2019 19:16

Yes ds is mine. The girls father is my current partner

OP posts:
MitziK · 28/06/2019 19:21

From the way you talk, you have been under horrendous stress for a very long time.

Of course they want to make sure you engage with them - they don't want a situation where, after a few good weeks, DS does something that completely destroys all the positive thoughts and hope that had just been starting to grow in you - and you harm yourself as a result.
Because they're involved as a result of your mental health, they are sounding tough because it's sometimes very hard to get people with MH issues (whether stress related or due to other diagnosed illnesses/disorders) to have insight, engage with professionals and actually follow through with strategies to help/treatment/etc.

The lack of coherent support/something coming immediately is shit, don't get me wrong, but at least you have been getting visits from SS - too many people who are equally desperate don't get that. The repeated visits still have an advantage in that they're trying to build up a rapport with you, find out how things go, which will help them find the appropriate support if you still need it and sign everything off as sorted if you don't.

Pushing them away now is a risk - to you.

CynthiaRothrock · 28/06/2019 19:27

Op i mean this from a kind place but have you sought help for yourself? You sound very overwhelmed and possibly depressed.
I don't know the procedure for ss but i do know it will not look good on you to refuse help. You have stated several times you dont want to be here. Whats to say one day ds pushes you too far and you snap? Hurt the children or yourself? Sw has to make sure your not going to do anything silly to them or yourself.
Please go to the gp and tell them how you are feeling.

Yabbers · 28/06/2019 19:29

Social workers don’t get involved for the fun of it

They don’t. But they are also very over stretched and from the OPs description, the visits are nothing more than being able to tick a box saying they have been in contract with the family.

The OP is asking SW for help. Which is what they are supposed to be doing. But they aren’t helping.

OP, if his behaviour has turned a corner, presumably after a few more visits they will see that things are changing. I would try to speak to a manager to explain your issues and see if they can offer any solution.

Yabbers · 28/06/2019 19:30

not look good on you to refuse help

She isn’t getting help. She is asking for it and not getting it.

Original poster
sashypants · 28/06/2019 19:32

@CynthiaRothrock yes, I already said I'm on ADs.

OP posts:
BigRedLondonBus · 28/06/2019 19:36

The social worker is conducting an assessment, he can’t do that without visiting the op frequently

wishingforapositiveyear · 28/06/2019 19:50

Have you received anything from them such as an assessment ? Have you had meetings with the SW and nursery together?

If you've not received an assessment it's not finished yet can you ask what the outcome is likely to be? Child protection is not something you can opt out of its mandatory.

The way you speak about your child worries me , he is not even school age yet, most young children become very jealous of younger siblings it's not cold or calculated.

Original poster
sashypants · 28/06/2019 19:52

He is school age actually.
I dont want to explain what he has done because then people will just say oh yes you do need SW, even though they've been involved since February and nothing has happened.

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 28/06/2019 19:59

I’m sure SS did need to be involved. But he’s a little boy. Whatever he is doing, he is doing because it serves an emotional need. I say this kindly, but that is your responsibility to fix. Don’t blame him, he’s a kid.

Verily1 · 28/06/2019 20:00

Don’t wait for the sw to refer you for support do it yourself!

Ask nursery and health visitor what parenting classes there are locally.

Where is dp in all of this and ds’s df?

How recently did you have your youngest?

CynthiaRothrock · 28/06/2019 20:04

Sorry i missed that post. Ask yourself though are they working? Do you need to try different ones or a different dose? Or maybe counciling? You gave them cause for concern by your statement to the nursery. You need to co opereate with them now. And yes it might be shit having to wait around but that's what you have to do. Its better than having your children removed because they deem you a risk.

Newschapter · 28/06/2019 20:08

How does your dp treat your ds?

Does he treat him differently than his daughters?

Nearlythere1 · 28/06/2019 20:14

I remember you OP and you are never happy with any help offered. You need to work with SS and stop this resistant, unhelpful behaviour for the sake of your kids. You really need to change your mentality, you seem to want a magic cure and nothing is ever good enough but you just need to go with the process.