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Original poster

To feel threatened by SS

298 replies

sashypants · 28/06/2019 17:07

Back in February I had a massive meeting with my HV and my sons nursery, it was about his on going behaviour towards his siblings.

I said some days I wished I wasn't here and because of that, they got SS involved. I welcomed the help thinking that they'd either 1) take ds off me (would make me happy for about a day!) Or 2) get him seen by a physiologist .

FF to now and I'm just pissed off. The guy comes (the 3rd social worker we've had btw!!) Sees things are tough then says "awk well hopefully we can get you some help" this has been his words for the last 3 meetings.

So I refused any more meetings, and told him why. His response "I do understand but if we work together we can get you some help" 😤 but now I've got a letter that states if I do not comply with the meetings they will set up a childrens hearing basically, so pretty much I have to let them through my door or they will get some court order in place to be let through my door.

I feel this is grossly unfair, it's pretty much their way and nothing I can do about it 😓 am I really BU to request no more meetings

OP posts:
traveller11 · 28/06/2019 20:38

@sashypants that's great news for this situation. At least now you can focus entirely on working on spending more time with DS.

I hope you can get signed off from SW (or get help if you still would like it from them).

Oblomov19 · 28/06/2019 20:39

Everyone feels threatened by SS. Tis the norm. Because they aren't there to help you or support you.
Don't be fooled.

Jackyjill6 · 28/06/2019 20:40

So if your old HV thought he had ADHD, did he get referred to anyone for assessment?

tenbob · 28/06/2019 20:40

I am going to say this as gently as possible, but listen to @Pantolilies

Your DS has had a lot of change and upheaval in a short space of time, and by your own admission, you are an inexperienced parent who sounds quite detached

Can you ask about parenting courses to help you work on some strategies to manage 3 children and their competing demands?
You’re on a good start with making sure you spend one on one time instead of playing Lego, but it might be helpful to have some tips and tactics to deal with what will come next in terms of his behaviour and requirements from you as a parent

Original poster
sashypants · 28/06/2019 20:43

I'm not gonna lie I've had 5 or 6 faint positives! But can't argue with a blood test. I'm on the injection for life Grin trying to get DP snipped but the gp isn't keen!
It's the 1 thing we've realised that

  1. kids are blooming hard work
  2. they need us, now more than ever
  3. I wouldn't want ds to feel pushed out even more. I've already had a termination because I couldn't bare to bring another child into this, it's not fair on him.. on any of them really I guess. It's taken a while to realise but I definitely want to make a difference. I know he needs me, I know he is only small and it must seem like an huge thing to him to have the attention taken off him. I'm trying to divert it back to him by 1) spending more time with him, DP is doing the same and 2) doing more family things, so like swimming, days out, eating out instead of just going shopping and home again! I know it must sound so silly to some of you like how have I not realised that this is what it takes but I've not been in a good place myself.
OP posts:
Rhinosaurus · 28/06/2019 20:52

OP - please tell me what the “help” you keep asking for looks like? Is it a nanny type / respite thing you are expecting? Or is it advice on how you can do some work so that you can parent your child so that behaviour improves?

What parenting work / programmes have you done? This has been asked several times and you have not answered.

Pantolilies · 28/06/2019 20:54

Listen it’s not silly at all. Many working parents with young kids are stuck in the same rut. It’s great that you have recognised where the shortcomings are and what to do to make changes and it appear as it’s all been good changes too. It’s great that you also got help for your own MH as that would hugely help in having a calmer household which will be a good environment for everyone involved. He’s only 5 so everything can be turned around and it’s not all lost yet. Hopefully you will also benefit from being together, playing together, sharing, being kind to each other and basically progressing as a family. Don’t worry you got this.

Original poster
sashypants · 28/06/2019 20:58

In all honesty when I first heard SS were going to be involved, I wanted him gone. Out of here for good. If that didn't happen I wanted him seen by a physiologist. I don't really know, I guess when I think of SS involvement, I think of instant results, instant help but it's not been like that at all. The guy that comes around hasn't said 1 useful thing. Hand on heart he is here for about 6 mins, and the last three meetings have ended with "... see you next week and hopefully get you some help" he might be concerned but frankly I am concerned that he does fuck all. I don't really care if that sounds harsh, he honestly hasn't done 1 good thing since being here and yes he may still be assessing us but he doesn't provide any tips, any info into what he thinks could be going on..

Yes I've been to one parenting course. It was pretty much bollocks. I didn't find it helpful in any way, it was all stuff I've read on Google before.

OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 28/06/2019 20:58

Op, it's really hard with 3 when they're little. I had a 3yo then twins. Poor dd1 became very independent, which was great until I realised at 7 that she barely told me anything and was keeping lots to herself becoming an anxious mess because she knew I was busy. It was hard as I felt awful and truly regretted not making more time for her when she was younger. Dd2 was a biter and would hit me and pull my hair out age 3. Her tantrums were horrendous.

But

Dd1 is now 11 and dtds almost 8. They are not as demanding and can empty the dishwasher and may me coffee! Op, it gets easier. Be firm with ds when he behaves badly with clear and consistent consequences. Once everything is calm later in the day, talk. Talk about the bad things and how you understand it's frustrating his sisters need you but he can't get your attention in this way. Ask him for solutions as to what might help him when he's feeling angry and also use the opportunity to say, I loved it today when you.... (insert praise - are you dinner well, were really polite asking for a drink etc)

TacoLover · 28/06/2019 21:01

I do not need help anymore.

I'm sorry but we all know that isn't true. I know you are excited because your DS is being better but 3 weeks is really not enough time to stop all SS involvement.

Original poster
sashypants · 28/06/2019 21:01

My main point was I do not want to be hauled up in a childrens hearing for not complying, but i also don't want to comply lol! I don't have the time anymore for these meetings so I'm not exactly sure where they think I can slot one in.
I work 7-11. Home for 11.30, DS to nursery for 12. DD to nursery for 1. Home at 2. Feed the baby, collect DS at 3, home to prep dinner(if its frozen left overs from before then I'll do cleaning or have a cuppa) leave at 4 to collect DD.
Home for 6

OP posts:
CynthiaRothrock · 28/06/2019 21:02

Op it sounds like you are making positive changes. Which the sw will see.
I wasnt implying you are a danger to your children but that is what they have to look out for, especially after what you have said. You have stated you dont want to be here some days and it is your ds fault because of his behaviour. Read that statement back. It screams alarm bells. You are suicidal and have calked your son cold and calculating and even said you would be momentarily happy if they took your son away! That is why they are staying involved. 3weeks is a short time, yes things have changed slightly but they could change back tomorrow! Then what happens? You go back to feeling suicidal and resenting your sons behaviour. Then what happens after that? What would happen if they didn't investigate and you did top yourself? Or your son pushed you too far or really hurt one of your dds? They would be to blame for not being involved. Its a vicious circle. Whislt ss may not be "helping" as such they will be seeing an improvement hopefully and watch for signs that its not going to get bad again.

Original poster
sashypants · 28/06/2019 21:03

Well like I say the SW hasn't even been here since the start of June because I'm so busy, I have told him this and he said he understands, then I get a letter basically threating me Sad
To have gone from weekly visits, to having nothing in weeks is a bloody good thing imo!

OP posts:
Original poster
sashypants · 28/06/2019 21:04

He hasn't seen the improvement as he hasn't been here but I did text him about it

OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 28/06/2019 21:06

Op, I would suggest ss are trying to get a picture. It's not normal to want ss to take your child. Even in dd2s worst tantrums, sitting holding a clump of my hair while I nursed a bite mark she's made in my cheek that lasted 4 days, I would have killed anyone who tried to take her from me.

Please don't take that as me criticising you, it's not, it's just to point out that your feeling that way is serious. It sounds like ss just need to check in with you to satisfy their concerns. If you've been on a parenting course I am not sure what else they can do.

Are you in England. Does ds start school in September? That could make a big difference. Your ds is so little still, none of his actions are done with malice. He's testing boundaries, expressing his emotions and needs to learn what is acceptable and what isn't. Good luck op.

Bostyrone · 28/06/2019 21:07

In all honesty when I first heard SS were going to be involved, I wanted him gone. Out of here for good. If that didn't happen I wanted him seen by a physiologist.

Did you make that clear to the SW?

herculepoirot2 · 28/06/2019 21:09

In all honesty when I first heard SS were going to be involved, I wanted him gone. Out of here for good. If that didn't happen I wanted him seen by a physiologist. I don't really know, I guess when I think of SS involvement, I think of instant results, instant help but it's not been like that at all

That is not what SS are for, or what they do. It is concerning that anyone would want their 4/5 year old son “out of here for good”. Whatever you say about the things you are putting in place, you still sound very detached. I would die before I let anyone remove my child for good. I have engaged with you on this thread but really, I think, you should consider asking for some sort of psychological support. Good luck.

sashypants · 28/06/2019 21:09

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purplegothika · 28/06/2019 21:09

New member, just came across your post Sashypants. My eldest is on the Autism Spectrum. It took me months to pluck up the courage to contact Social Services which I finally did when he was 16. I was scared they would come in and whisk him away but it had to be done. SIngle parent on my own, 2 chilsdren one ASD. I would just like to say please try and work with them. Also try and be clear in what help you actually need or would like. As I had refered myself to them it was just an assesment for him and I was told from the start if I felt he wouldn't benefit from what they could offer the file would be closed.. I worry you are are coming across to them as defensive (which I totally understand) and they won't like that . I am on antidepresants as well . I have been for a very long time. Ask to be sent out all copies of the assessments they have done so far and read through them carefully. It really is better for you that you come across as working with them rather than seeing them as the enemy which is so easy to do. Good luck. x x

Bostyrone · 28/06/2019 21:11

How can you “catch” a nursery age child drowning a younger one? I don’t get it.

Original poster
sashypants · 28/06/2019 21:11

Yep, I've begged the social worker to take him. Even offered him money 😳 I'm not proud of that!! That was before I was on ADs. He did say though that he can see that depe down i don't want DS taken away so just disregarded my comments

OP posts:
Original poster
sashypants · 28/06/2019 21:12

Well they were in the bath together, I poked my head out the door to get a towel and my eye sight was upon Ds holding DD underwater.

OP posts:
Original poster
sashypants · 28/06/2019 21:13

And actually @herculepoirot2 they do respite care. which I have been offered but since the ADs have kicked in, I refused it. I don't actually want him away, with God knows who or even God knows where!

OP posts:
CynthiaRothrock · 28/06/2019 21:13

Unfortunately you have to jump through the hoops. Ss are very stretched underfunded and under staffed. Help Unfortunatley isnt as readily available as we would like. The sw probably feels like shit promising you help, knowing the waiting is as long as his arse and there is little funding for it. But once you are in the system you have to wait and be patient as comply, no matter how much you dont want to.

Bostyrone · 28/06/2019 21:15

Oh dear.

Firstly a child that young wouldn’t know what drowning was, and so couldn’t even have the intention of hurting his sibling in that way.

Regarding the stepping out to get a towel, I think best advice is never ever be more than arms length away from a child in a bath. The towel could have waited.

These are the things the SW will be picking up on.