Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 ··· 11 12

Original poster

To feel threatened by SS

298 replies

sashypants · 28/06/2019 17:07

Back in February I had a massive meeting with my HV and my sons nursery, it was about his on going behaviour towards his siblings.

I said some days I wished I wasn't here and because of that, they got SS involved. I welcomed the help thinking that they'd either 1) take ds off me (would make me happy for about a day!) Or 2) get him seen by a physiologist .

FF to now and I'm just pissed off. The guy comes (the 3rd social worker we've had btw!!) Sees things are tough then says "awk well hopefully we can get you some help" this has been his words for the last 3 meetings.

So I refused any more meetings, and told him why. His response "I do understand but if we work together we can get you some help" 😤 but now I've got a letter that states if I do not comply with the meetings they will set up a childrens hearing basically, so pretty much I have to let them through my door or they will get some court order in place to be let through my door.

I feel this is grossly unfair, it's pretty much their way and nothing I can do about it 😓 am I really BU to request no more meetings

OP posts:

Bostyrone · 28/06/2019 21:16

OP, sorry that might have come across as hard, I don’t mean it to.

Can I ask, were you a part of the Care system as you were growing up?

Original poster

sashypants · 28/06/2019 21:17

No he knows what it is, he does swimming lessons so he is aware of it. He told me he wanted to hurt dd.
Well I was getting the towel to take DD out but yea I know now. I will never bathe them together anymore

OP posts:

Original poster

sashypants · 28/06/2019 21:18

No it's fine! I fully accept it was my own fault, had I of not bathed them together he wouldn't of had the chance to do it. But I don't understand why it would go threw his mind to do it anyway!
That is just an example of the type of behaviour I've had to deal with every day.
No I wasn't

OP posts:

herculepoirot2 · 28/06/2019 21:19

But OP, a child saying they want to hurt someone isn’t the same as an adult saying it. They don’t know what that means. At four, they don’t even know what death is, or that it is permanent.

Original poster

sashypants · 28/06/2019 21:21

I know it isn't.. but that was his reason for doing it I was just saying..
He is 5 but still, he might not be aware it caused death but he was fully aware he was doing wrong

OP posts:

Teacakeandalatte · 28/06/2019 21:26

Yes it sounds like the SS are really there to keep an eye on you and while they may also get you some help their main reason is to check you are looking after the dc safely. If you cooperate they will hopefully remain friendly, get you some help, and sign you off eventually but if you don't they will start making things official and go through the courts and probably be a lot harder on you because of the trouble.

cestlavielife · 28/06/2019 21:29

You were offered respite but refused it?

What kind of help would be useful?
What do you want ?
Has d's been assessed by a peadatrician
It would be best you comply with any meetings.

If d's is a risk to your other dc thru his behaviour he and you all need some behavioural support.

Sometimes ss are gatekeepers to support.
But gp and hv can refer too

It s hard to think every thing is fine now if it was so bad before.

herculepoirot2 · 28/06/2019 21:30

Your son is in nursery at 5?

Original poster

sashypants · 28/06/2019 21:34

Yes? Because he does not start school until August.
No help, I no longer need any!!!
Yes I refused the respite care? I want SS to go away!!
No he hasn't, the SW didn't think there was any need for that.

OP posts:

MeerKitty · 28/06/2019 21:34

So, you have been offered help- respite care. But you refused.

You needto take on board what people are saying on this thread. It’s likely SW have more concerns about you than your son.

You have made some really positive steps recently with your son; conversations way home from school; going to the park etc. His step father playing with him will also have had an impact.

This one to one time sounds like it has made a positive impact on his behaviour.

It’s important for you to know that this is not love bombing it’s pretty standard parenting. It won’t work if you treat it like a boot camp.

These changes need to be built in to your relationships and your routines.

From what you have said, it sounds like you have turned a corner, and are on to something that is working.

Do you have conversations with your partner about parenting? It’s important for you to both be on the same page. Remember- you are not your sons only caregiver.

I hope things continue to get better for you and your family. x

herculepoirot2 · 28/06/2019 21:39

I want SS to go away!!

I am going to be as blunt as I have ever been. They aren’t going away until you stop talking about your small son as if his behaviour is down to him, rather than a parenting failure. They aren’t going away while you feel suicidal. They aren’t going away while you continue to be defensive.

I get it. Everyone wants SS to fuck off. They’re used to it. They won’t until they know your family situation is safe.

Rhinosaurus · 28/06/2019 21:40

The OPs posts are one sided and scream minimising, disguised compliance and scapegoating of an emotionally dysregulated child. It is not normal to ask for your five year old child to be put into care. It is not normal to talk about your child using the terminology you have. Did the “bollocks” parenting programme talk about attachment, or were you only there to tick a box for SS and not interested in learning anything?

Very unpleasant reading and I can see why social services are worried now that you have disengaged from working with them.

And I presume when you say physiologist you mean a psychologist? You want a medical label on it, yet with a change of parenting there’s a huge improvement in three weeks? Wouldn’t that indicate that it’s the parenting that was at fault in the first place and he’s been acting out?

MeerKitty · 28/06/2019 21:41

Also-

I want to say with the best of intentions, it’s a good idea for SW to continue to be involved with your family. 3 weeks where things have got better is not a long time. You need to keep doing what you are doing. It is working.

SW will only reduce contacts once you have been able to provide this level of support to your son consistently and over a longer period of time.

Original poster

sashypants · 28/06/2019 21:42

I do not feel suicidal anymore and he knows that, I am also not being defensive. I have been open and honest which has shocked some people.
I have also told him that because of us parenting differently that it's all changed and everybody seems happier and calmer. He knows all this

OP posts:

jamoncrumpets · 28/06/2019 21:42

So many reasonable responses here. I'm not going to offer one I'm afraid. Every single reply from the OP is throwing up more and more red flags for me. I am fearful for those children. And I am glad SS are still on the case.

herculepoirot2 · 28/06/2019 21:43

Great. It is his job to be confident these changes aren’t just because he is there.

Ineedaweeinpeace · 28/06/2019 21:43

Ask your nursery to get in touch with your local pupil referral unit - they usually have outreach workers who can support with behaviour and they are very good at knowing everything anyone can do to help x

Original poster

sashypants · 28/06/2019 21:44

@Rhinosaurus how ever physiologist is spelt 🤷‍♀️ yes that is what I wanted in the beginning, back in February.

OP posts:

Original poster

sashypants · 28/06/2019 21:45

@jamoncrumpets really? My replies are red flags? You must have missed the one that I spoke positively about how we are making changes together

OP posts:

Rhinosaurus · 28/06/2019 21:46

Why would you want your 5 year old going into mental health services when it seems that parenting is the issue - as a change in parenting has made such a massive difference in 3 weeks?

Why would your first thought be the fault is with the child having a medical and not parenting?

jamoncrumpets · 28/06/2019 21:46

My depression was so bad last year that I was very nearly hospitalised. I stopped eating and sleeping and very nearly tipped into psychosis. I self harmed. I have a pre schooler with ASD (and all the challenges that go with it) and a baby. Never once would I ever have dreamed of asking SS to remove my child. Never once.

You cannot say everything is ok now because you are on ADs. It doesn't work like that.

And what's with all the !! in the OP's responses?

Original poster

sashypants · 28/06/2019 21:47

I didn't say it was better because of ADs, I said I was in a better place because of them. I feel calmer and more able to parent now. Hence being able to make this big positive change

OP posts:

jamoncrumpets · 28/06/2019 21:48

You offered SS money to take your child away OP.

Perhaps you need to see that psychologist. Not your son.

jamoncrumpets · 28/06/2019 21:49

You can't turn around after just three weeks and say 'We are fixed now, see ya'

SS have a duty of care to your family. They would be neglecting that care to drop you based on three 'good' weeks.

Original poster

sashypants · 28/06/2019 21:50

Because back then we tried everything (obviously not enough) I also had to have two d&cs and I was just in a really bad place (wasn't able to see it was my parenting that was part of the reason)
And partly because the behaviour had been going on so long, I figured somebody may be able to speak to him to find out what was going on(yes I tried!) Because HV just used to shake her head and say she doesn't know why he acts like that

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 ··· 11 12

Swipe left for the next trending thread