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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel threatened by SS

298 replies

sashypants · 28/06/2019 17:07

Back in February I had a massive meeting with my HV and my sons nursery, it was about his on going behaviour towards his siblings.

I said some days I wished I wasn't here and because of that, they got SS involved. I welcomed the help thinking that they'd either 1) take ds off me (would make me happy for about a day!) Or 2) get him seen by a physiologist .

FF to now and I'm just pissed off. The guy comes (the 3rd social worker we've had btw!!) Sees things are tough then says "awk well hopefully we can get you some help" this has been his words for the last 3 meetings.

So I refused any more meetings, and told him why. His response "I do understand but if we work together we can get you some help" 😤 but now I've got a letter that states if I do not comply with the meetings they will set up a childrens hearing basically, so pretty much I have to let them through my door or they will get some court order in place to be let through my door.

I feel this is grossly unfair, it's pretty much their way and nothing I can do about it 😓 am I really BU to request no more meetings

OP posts:
InsertFunnyUsername · 28/06/2019 17:57

I would be hesistant to refuse any help OP. I know you say you aren't getting any anyway, but if you refuse they might see this as a red flag, then you will be forced to comply anyway, better to do it off your own back. Sounds tough Flowers

Original poster
sashypants · 28/06/2019 17:58

@BigRedLondonBus 45 days? He has been coming out since the start of April!

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 28/06/2019 17:58

I am not judging. I am explaining why I believe they are right to be concerned.

Amibeingdaft81 · 28/06/2019 17:58

I hate these threads
Because we are hearing such a one sided story

Social workers don’t get involved for the fun of it

newmomof1 · 28/06/2019 17:59

@sashypants sorry I misunderstood. I thought you'd said it as a sweeping statement and they'd acted on it.

Is dad on the scene? Is there anyone you can lean on for support?

Original poster
sashypants · 28/06/2019 18:01

I do not believe anybody will be able to help him. I genuinely (I'm not saying this to try and get rid of SW) but I do think it's just jealousy, I've spent a lot of time with my son, alot of time with my son and 1 dd (days out, cinema, swimming, messy play) he is completely different!
It's like he has turned a whole new corner, I have not witnessed him harming them in 3 weeks now and believe me I keep a very close eye on him!!

OP posts:
BigRedLondonBus · 28/06/2019 18:01

If you are in Scotland then different rules may apply if you google it will tell How long an assessment should take. You need to find out what the outcome of the assessment is, I wouldn’t advice declining any help as it can be escalated to child protection which is what it sounds like has happened.

Original poster
sashypants · 28/06/2019 18:02

His dad isnt here but my partner is, it's all ds has known

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 28/06/2019 18:03

But with respect, OP, calling a child cold and calculating and suggesting you wish you were dead is enough to mean they need to see you, his behaviour aside.

Original poster
sashypants · 28/06/2019 18:06

I realise that, but like I said that is because of how challenging it has been and the amount of harm he has brought to my children.
Every day has been fresh hell, every day I wake up wishing I hadn't. All because of DS. Might sound horrible but you've no idea what it has been like.
But we have all turned a corner, I haven't felt like that in a long time

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 28/06/2019 18:11

No, no, I am delighted things are improving, but you must see from their side that there are still issues to resolve and assess?

Starfish0 · 28/06/2019 18:16

No experience.
It does sound frustrating. But in situations like this, could it be helpful to be very kind and welcoming to the social worker.
Thank him for coming, say you appreciate he is trying to help, and ask what kind of things he thinks he can put into place for you?
Then you may find he is more proactive about helping you, or if he doesn’t have other concerns he may be more willing to leave you to if there is no real help they can offer.
Perhaps he is still trying to build a picture of your families needs, but it might help if he was a bit clearer about that so you knew the visits weren’t just a waste of your time.

codemonkey · 28/06/2019 18:18

I'm not sure what you're saying. One minute he's cold and calculating, he laughs at hurting his siblings and you wish you were dead. Then you say you've had a nice trip out and everything's fine.

So do you need help or not? Have you been on a parenting course?

Karmin · 28/06/2019 18:20

45 working days btw

are the siblings older or younger?

Karmin · 28/06/2019 18:21

' he has brought to my children.' - but he is your child too

Ginnymweasley · 28/06/2019 18:28

Really you should cooperate with them. You said you needed help, they are probably trying to understand what kind of help it is that you need. Whether it is your child that needs help or you. Have you gone on any parenting courses?

AnathemaPulsifer · 28/06/2019 18:28

Have you tried asking to see a child psychologist?

Lizzie3869 · 28/06/2019 18:28

Calling a child 'cold and calculating' when nursery age is extreme, but I understand where you're coming from, OP. Children can lack empathy. My DD1 (now 10) has often appeared to lack empathy and has hurt DD2 (now 7) and me deliberately. She really doesn't seem to care, which is unnerving to say the least, and when she cries after being confronted, she's more upset at being in trouble than because she's hurt another person.

In DD1's case, she has SEN and adoption related attachment issues, which we've fought hard to get her help for.

I'm glad things are improving, OP, but I would caution against complacency. At times I've thought we've turned a corner with DD1 and then things have gone downhill again. So I wouldn't turn away support; 3 weeks isn't long and you may find that it's a false dawn. Help can be very hard to come by, so being on the radar of professionals is a positive thing. (It doesn't mean this particular SW is good at his job, though, we've had some poor ones over the years.)

Original poster
sashypants · 28/06/2019 18:29

@codemonkey I do not need help anymore. His behaviour has improved in the last 3 weeks.

Siblings are younger

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 28/06/2019 18:34

Instinctively I think I would be the same, OP, but the problem is, the experience of SS will be that the families who need them the most will push them away the hardest. You need to subvert their expectations.

codemonkey · 28/06/2019 18:35

OK. So the issue is that you've told SS that you don't need help but they're not closing your case?

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 28/06/2019 18:38

If you’ve had 3 different SW is 4 months that’s why your not getting the referrals you want/need.

It’s not for you to decide that you “don’t want anymore visits” as you’ve made some absolutely shocking claims and likely liked to that behaviours.

Even on here it’s noticeable that you have a dislike for your child, and then to state a child of age 3/4 is calculating and that you don’t think anyone will be able to help “him” Hmm

It’s sounds to me as if your having strategy meeting and CORE meetings.

You also cannot decided you don’t need help, as you’ve claimed you want to kill yourself, most social worker won’t sign you off until all “boxes” have been ticket.

codemonkey · 28/06/2019 18:38

I suppose from their perspective they've had a mother saying she wants to die because of her cold, calculating child who delights in hurting his siblings who then says a few short weeks later 'oh, it's all fine now'.

It seems unlikely that such an extreme situation can be resolved so easily and quickly so they're perhaps wanting to keep an eye on things for a while longer.

Original poster
sashypants · 28/06/2019 18:40

In a sense, because they now will not just leave it. If I don't comply they will set up a childrens hearing meaning I have to comply.
I understand it's good to be on the radar and I've never tried to hide anything, but now I've reviewed his behaviour I genuinely just think it is jealously. I do not think he is purposely trying to hurt them or anything, I think he sees them getting more attention and wants that for himself too.

Which I now realise, it's been a hard few years. I've had two children in quick session (do not even mention contraception.) Its no wonder he is feeling pushed out but we are both trying really hard to rectify it

OP posts:
HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 28/06/2019 18:42

but like I said that is because of how challenging it has been and the amount of harm he has brought to my children.
Every day has been fresh hell, every day I wake up wishing I hadn't. All because of DS

Is he your son not your child?

As previous social worker I would absolutely not close this case, your wording and what you have said is exceptionally triggering.

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