To feel threatened by SS

[sashypants]

Back in February I had a massive meeting with my HV and my sons nursery, it was about his on going behaviour towards his siblings.

I said some days I wished I wasn't here and because of that, they got SS involved. I welcomed the help thinking that they'd either 1) take ds off me (would make me happy for about a day!) Or 2) get him seen by a physiologist .

FF to now and I'm just pissed off. The guy comes (the 3rd social worker we've had btw!!) Sees things are tough then says "awk well hopefully we can get you some help" this has been his words for the last 3 meetings.

So I refused any more meetings, and told him why. His response "I do understand but if we work together we can get you some help" 😤 but now I've got a letter that states if I do not comply with the meetings they will set up a childrens hearing basically, so pretty much I have to let them through my door or they will get some court order in place to be let through my door.

I feel this is grossly unfair, it's pretty much their way and nothing I can do about it 😓 am I really BU to request no more meetings

PP I meant on here I shouldn't need to give every detail I get you.
I don't envy you, I hope it works out, my DS also has many challenging behaviour, I often saying he was my DP or DH I'd leave him, but as he is my child, I can't. Haha

But your ds may be processing his birth dad is dead. Somehow.it is relevant. A psychologist or play therapist can work with your d's and you. Just because he doesn't say anything doesn't mean he doesn't know or have concerns.
If you don't tell anyone the whole story they can't help. As for a play therapist and tell them everything. Also your d's will have picked up on what happened before.

Don't worry OP it's absolutely right that your son knows the truth about his dad/stepdad. That said yes he could be processing it, he could be feeling like the odd one out. But that is OK in itself as it is what it is - something to process, rather than something to avoid or be afraid of. Still better than lying to him (even lying by omission by letting him believe DP is his bio dad). God it's complicated this stuff and hard to get right. It would be nice if the presence of a supporting, loving father figure was enough to fix that kind of hole, wouldn't it? It does go a huge way which will help. I wonder would your DP consider adopting him? That could be a hugely symbolic thing for DS to feel accepted/"really" a part of the family. Obviously it would have to be the right thing, it couldn't be a plaster over a gaping wound, and perhaps not at the moment if things are up in the air re SS - but possibly they could advise you on the suitability of such an idea if you were considering it and a timescale. Are you considering marriage in the future?

I wonder if at his age it might be time to explicitly set out to him that it's OK to ask/talk/be curious about his bio dad. Sometimes not because of anything we explicitly say but simply because of the very opposite - a total lack of saying anything at all - children can subconsciously pick up an idea that a topic is "taboo" or not allowed to be mentioned. I know that when children are adopted or have been in foster care, particularly when placements have been when they are very young social services are very keen for these children to have what they call a life story book which is a place that they are expressly told it's OK to ask questions and be curious about these things, because it just helps them make sense of who they are and where they have come from. But I know five was a big age for my son to start talking a lot about his bio dad, who he did once have a relationship with but at that age barely remembered, it was just part of him working out how he was related to XP, how he was related to DH and so on. So I put together a photo album for him which was just his, he didn't want to have any photos up in his room which I was quite glad about, but I would have let him if he had wanted to. We also talked about genes and about the different ways people can be dads (and mums) - adoptive families, children living with other relatives, same sex families, even infertility and the idea of donor sperm/eggs (I got the idea to include that from a post on here a while back and it ws surprisingly helpful). As a result (I think) he has a very strong sense of how DH fits into the picture as his dad but also "John" (not real name) which is what he tends to call him.

In some ways the fact he has passed away may be a blessing as it means you can be very selective about the facts without dressing him up as either a wonderful or an awful person at all, you don't need to worry that when he's older DS will go off and find dad a really exciting bad influence, idolise him or be hurt by him, so I would just stick to the most bland and neutral facts you can think of about him such as his name was X, he had a beard, he liked football and supported Y team, he loved to eat bacon sandwiches, or whatever. Just as a way to give him something, because I think the absence of information can be too much for them to process, even though we think we are protecting them from the truth. BTW I don't think there is anything wrong with telling a child in exceptional circumstances (perhaps for example if he asks how he died, and it was something traumatic) "I can't tell you about that now, but I will explain it to you when you are older" - sometimes this is the only appropriate explanation, though 99% of the time the heavily simplified truth (e.g. drug addiction, mental health problems = "illness") is the most appropriate thing to say to children, IMO.

DS doesn't know his dad as dead, he hasn't been told that as he wouldn't understand it. Weve had family members pass away this year and he still doesn't get it. It's never come up in conversation as in his eyes, DP is dad so it would confuse him to start saying "your dad isn't here"

DP would be honoured to adopt him, we were looking at it once we are married (at least another 2 years away!)

I try hard not to treat them all differently, obviously the baby gets more attention as she cannot do anything for herself but I would say DS is the more spoilt one (not a good thing I know and I know he doesn't need stuff but more our time and attention) but as he is capable for asking for new shoes or seeing a toy or anything. 9 times out of 10 if he sees and asks for something, he will get it.

I know he is essentially begging for our attention, I see that now but it has been an exhausting, long 10m (not hard to realise why) and I guess my mind just centred on 'he can do stuff for himself so he is alright' and focused on my baby who got quite unwell. But it's big changes to turn all that around

So it sounds like the social worker hasnt been round in a while and the last time he came things were still hard? They are probably having to go off how things were the last time they saw you.

It might be that once they see the changes etc that they might decide you need fewer visits. They might just have to see the difference for themselves and see that its maintained for a period

OP, I really wish you good luck, keep on giving your boy some attention, he will like that. I wonder why you thought it was a good idea to have two other babies so quickly?
Did the father of the girls promise you something? I feel so so sorry for the girl who is not the youngest. You have talked about your boy and the youngest girl, I feel so sorry for the baby who has not really been mentioned. She should be toddler age but never mentioned

I had a miscarriage before DD2 and just craved another baby. I then got pregnant whilst on contraception.
My youngest is the baby? But DS isn't causing any harm to her.
Absolutely no need to feel sorry for her just because I haven't mentioned her

Does you son call you partner dad? And think of him as dad?

He does yes but sometimes calls im by his name, yes I'd imagine he does. It's the only father figure he has known

Op

I would urge you to tell your son about your father
He’s not a toddler.

Like I said he will not understand, he has had people very close to him pass away and he simply doesn't understand the concept that they aren't coming back

My dad died when dd was just 4. School/nursery gave us some books to help her understand. He needs help to understand. He's lost his grandmother and needs help to process that. Saying he doesn't understand isn't enough. It's up to you to help him understand. You don't seem sure if he sees your partner as his dad and say he calls him by both dad and his name which suggests he knows he isn't his actual dad. My ds is 4 and understands that his dad lives far away and that's why he doesn't see him. He asked if s was dead a few times as he couldn't understand why he didn't see him ever and was upset as he sees all the other dads at nursery. We've had lots of chats about it and he understands. He also understands that his grandfather is dead and that means he's not coming back. You seem keen to dismiss the subject of his dad by assuming he doesn't understand. He's 4 not too. Give him some credit.

He is 5 but that's by the by. I'm probably not keen to broach the subject as he was a horrible man. It's too painful to open up that wound.

I think you need do need to comply - I can see why from your posts they are concerned.

I do get it’s frustrating.

One of the mothers at DC school lost a huge number of people close to her and her kids in short space of time, terminal illnesses, sudden illnesses and accidents and school referred to get extra help for the kids and her there didn’t seem to be any other concerns.

What she got was similar endless meetings with no help offered and with people who apparently didn’t get she need to work p/t and pick up her kids form school and nursery or had other demands on her time.

It was an additional stress - but as they saw she was coping it did stop eventually.

I suspect they need to see improvements over a much longer time frame that you're going to be happy with.

@sashypants I assume there was trauma (for you) surrounding DS’s biological father. Please don’t think I am asking you to disclose because I am not. I am just wondering if the way you feel may be being picked up on by your son. I know he’s young and probably doesn’t fully understand but they do pick up on emotional cues, even when you think they don’t and even when you think you aren’t giving off any emotions. What support have you had for yourself? Away from your issues with DS’ behaviour, have you had psychotherapy or many any trauma based therapies?

SW is out today at 2, hoping he can see/hear our positive changes and look at reducing the visits

How did it go?

@sashypants I hope it went well.

Well done for engaging OP, how was it?

@sashypants
I remember your other threads. It's good to hear you are now in a much better place and able to cope. It can't have been easy to admit to yourself (let alone on here) some of your feelings surrounding your son.

The SS involvement does sound very frustrating, especially as they are not doing anything practical to help, but I think in the long run, it will be easier to just comply with their demands within reason.

Is his speech/communication getting any better?

How did it go op? Hope you managed to get some answers on where you stand with the assessment

Just read the full thread and also hoping you got some answers from the SW yesterday.

Any update OP?