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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel threatened by SS

298 replies

sashypants · 28/06/2019 17:07

Back in February I had a massive meeting with my HV and my sons nursery, it was about his on going behaviour towards his siblings.

I said some days I wished I wasn't here and because of that, they got SS involved. I welcomed the help thinking that they'd either 1) take ds off me (would make me happy for about a day!) Or 2) get him seen by a physiologist .

FF to now and I'm just pissed off. The guy comes (the 3rd social worker we've had btw!!) Sees things are tough then says "awk well hopefully we can get you some help" this has been his words for the last 3 meetings.

So I refused any more meetings, and told him why. His response "I do understand but if we work together we can get you some help" 😤 but now I've got a letter that states if I do not comply with the meetings they will set up a childrens hearing basically, so pretty much I have to let them through my door or they will get some court order in place to be let through my door.

I feel this is grossly unfair, it's pretty much their way and nothing I can do about it 😓 am I really BU to request no more meetings

OP posts:
Original poster
sashypants · 28/06/2019 20:16

I'm definitely not a risk to my children wtaf! I love the bones off all of them! I would never cause any of them any harm Sad
He treats the girls a bit differently I can't even lie, he tries not to but as they are learning to walk/trying new foods/talking for the first time/using the potty for the first time, it's harder to not give that more attention. They've also been quite high needs babies and my youngest(10m) was in hospital for a wee while so obviously when she came home it was all about making sure she is okay, feeding her on time, getting her to the baby clinics etc.
I realise that probably sounds quite shitty on ds and I beat myself up on many days that they all don't get enough attention. I cried in ds arms before, which probably doesn't sound very stable 🤦‍♀️
Which is why I'm trying my dam hardest to make sure he has that solid attention now, it isn't too late to make a difference I know that now.

I have branded him some very horrible things I cant deny that. But he has equally done very horrible things. More than just "being naughty" it has been extreme, relentless and fucking exhausting. He may not be calculating but it certainly feels it at the time.

2 fucking years, 2 years with no help and still not really getting any now tbh but I do see it getting better, I realise I can't give him constant attention but me and DP are making more time for him so instead of trying to veg out infront of the telly, one of us will take him out or take him upstairs do Lego or a mood board if he fancies it. On the way home from nursery I will spend a few mins talking about his day, how his mood is, if anything made him sad. Might even stop off at the park. It sounds really small but it's all a big change here!

And lastly yes I am run ragged, I have 3 children who are at very different stages of their lifes. I only have my DP for guidance, I have no fucking clue what I am doing and I've not long gone back to work. It's a minefield but I genuinely do see it getting better from here which is why I wish no more involvement (he hasn't been out since the start of June anyway!! Well I don't really have the time now)

OP posts:
Pantolilies · 28/06/2019 20:18

Two new siblings, new partner and he’s still in nursery. He must be very confused and overwhelmed, no wonder he’s playing up as it’s the only way he might know how to express himself or get any attention

herculepoirot2 · 28/06/2019 20:18

It’s good to hear you would never do anything like that, OP. But given the number of people here who read your words about your DS and did wonder whether he was entirely safe, you must understand SS’ concern. Anyway, it sounds like you are getting things back on track?

Original poster
sashypants · 28/06/2019 20:20

I'm sure I don't actually need to do anything Hmm this new guy has been involved since April or may have been March I can't remember and not one single thing has happened.
I've complied with every meeting, told the brutal honest truth, filmed ds behaviour, kept a diary of behaviour to see if any triggers it, I've changed his diet - all of that off my own back. He hasn't suggested anything to help, or suggested anything that may be wrong. (Old HV thought adhd)
When I said about it probably being jealousy he said "uh huh that would make sense. So I'll come out again at the end of the week and get you some help"

OP posts:
Original poster
sashypants · 28/06/2019 20:22

Oh God I can't believe my words would ever be taken like that Shock I genuinely would never touch a hair on any of my kids heads!!!
I'm quite saddened it was even taken like that Sad I'm just frustrated and taken aback by the SW letter that I was typing it all out in one ball of emotion! Genuinely none of my kids are at risk of me or my DP

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 28/06/2019 20:23

sashypants

The god’s honest truth? He is observing you as a parent. You are the changeable factor in this (along with your partner). You have said yourself, doing something different with your DS has brought different results. You don’t need help. You needed to change your approach.

Lovebeingmama · 28/06/2019 20:23

I think it can be quite frustrating for social workers as they don’t have the resources to always provide the help parents need. Parental mental health, domestic abuse and substance misuse issues persist and the social workers monitors the risk, without really being able to deal with the parental causes.

Original poster
sashypants · 28/06/2019 20:23

Yes thank you @pantolilies . As if I wasn't feeling guilty enough!

OP posts:
wishingforapositiveyear · 28/06/2019 20:24

So is he at school or nursery? What's his behaviour like there?

Pantolilies · 28/06/2019 20:24

But don’t you see, he doesn’t need help. He needs you to spend your time on him. You are banging around asking for help when all the time all he has needed is for you to step up and be a proper parent to him. And that doesn’t just mean to clothe, feed and give him a roof but to actually give him your time and attention, away from the other kids and your partner. It’s quite sad for the boy actually. He’s in nursery and this should never have happened at all.

Pantolilies · 28/06/2019 20:25

You don’t need to feel guilty. You need to really step up.

Original poster
sashypants · 28/06/2019 20:25

And not exactly a new partner. Ds is 5, dp has been here since ds was under a year old.

OP posts:
Oblomov19 · 28/06/2019 20:25

"I understand, OP, but if he remains concerned about your children he has no choice."

I disagree with Hercule. SW has done nothing. Nothing.
So why should OP continue? Because she has to?
Disgraceful SS. Not unusual.

And yes. Both my parents are retired senior SW'ers.

Pantolilies · 28/06/2019 20:26

Do you actually spend any significant one to one time with him.

Original poster
sashypants · 28/06/2019 20:26

Yes and my posts are about realising that! I have made good change in the last 3 weeks, which isnt easy when you're working and dealing with depression and 2 other small children
Just crack on sticking the boot in thoigh

OP posts:
traveller11 · 28/06/2019 20:28

OP, I saw you have another thread asking about FR tests too.

Is it possible that your hormones are out of sync if you are expecting another baby? Potentially, you're hormones are ruling your head when it comes to seeing the SW involvement objectively?

Original poster
sashypants · 28/06/2019 20:28

Omfg YES. I have explicitly said we have taken time out of our day to actually spend with him now! More than we used to do. Which yes I know is shitty, will have caused him confusion and stuff but it's not exactly been a walk in the park for me. I know that's the life of a parent but it's like i needed to get my head sorted before i could parent properly. I feel like i am doing that now

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 28/06/2019 20:28

Oblomov19

Yes, that’s why. People think SS are there to provide the help they want, but they’re not; they are there to provide the help vulnerable people need.

herculepoirot2 · 28/06/2019 20:29

I feel like i am doing that now

Good - just keep showing them this.

Pantolilies · 28/06/2019 20:30

Sassy I have two small children myself and work full time in a pressured job so to a large extent I do understand how incredibly difficult life is. SS aside, if you don’t work on weekend, carve some time ( at least a few hours ) to do an activity with him even if it’s just messing around in the park, that should just be you and him. That would help both of you a lot. You got this.

Original poster
sashypants · 28/06/2019 20:33

@Pantolilies I do work weekends but only 4hrs. Tomorrow FIL is having the girls and we are taking DS to the zoo.
Last weekend i took him to the cinema and DP played football with him once I was home to have the girls
I know its the small things but I'm really trying. It's been extremely hard, I've had a lot of bad thoughts myself (nout to do with ds behaviour) it's taken me a long time to open up and get ADs, that in itself is a big thing (well is for me)

OP posts:
Newschapter · 28/06/2019 20:35

Are you expecting again op?

Original poster
sashypants · 28/06/2019 20:36

@traveller11 I actually had a blood test done to determine pregnancy, hcg level is 2. There's not a cat in hells chance I'm pregnant. I also got the injection a week ago before anybody suggests I ain't on contraception!

OP posts:
Newschapter · 28/06/2019 20:36

Cross post Smile

Pantolilies · 28/06/2019 20:38

It’s okay Sassy you don’t have to explain. It’s good that you have put in place a system which is working for him and hopefully things will improve greatly. It would be good if only you two spends some time together without your partner as he might be missing that. Perhaps a Saturday afternoon after work, though it must be exhausting after work but it will be hugely beneficial for him and you as well.