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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to say something to this mum or just leave it?

191 replies

MegaBlocks · 27/06/2019 09:26

I know in the grand scheme of things this isn’t a huge issue but it’s irritating me a little and would like some outside opinions.

I take sons friend to school in the morning a few times a week. I have done since reception and they’re now in year 3 so it’s a long term thing. I don’t mind helping and I never have. Boys very nice friendly with the parents etc.

Mum would always message me if dad was taking him and I wasnt needed to. On a very rare occasion I turned up and his dad has taken him and she’s forgotten to tell me though she was super apologetic and I was fine about it.

However it’s now becoming a more regular occurrence that I get there he’s already gone and I’ve gone out my way for nothing. The apologies have stopped and it just seems a bit like tough shit you’ve wasted your time iyswim.

They aren’t far from the school but it’s not on my direct route so have to go the long way round. It only adds on about 5/6 minutes into the journey which I know sounds petty but I have three kids and my own job to go so I’m not exactly swimming in loads of spare time in the morning myself.

I’m just getting a little frustrated with going there for no reason. I’ve been really really accommodating with requests and all I really want is a message to say don’t need to come today.

Anyway I just roll my eyes inwardly and carry on to school as I don’t want to make a fuss but it happened today when DH did the school run and he was fuming and wants me to say something. I do occasionally get messages saying I don’t need to come but it’s more often than not it’s forgotten.

Aibu to ask her to start informing me as I’m getting a little fed up of being messed about or should I just leave it to avoid bad feelings? I do like the parents and don’t want to cause awkwardness (I’m a massive people pleaser).

OP posts:
R2G · 27/06/2019 09:29

It would be absolutely fine to say it. Just text 'please can you remember to let us know on a text if DC not coming with us. We can walk a shorter way on those days.'

pinkyredrose · 27/06/2019 09:32

Just say you're having so many wasted journeys that you're stopping the arrangement. She doesn't respect your time so you need to respect your time and stop wasting it.

FrancisCrawford · 27/06/2019 09:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SummerCharl · 27/06/2019 09:33

I think YABU to not just stop doing it altogether - clearly, she's got no respect for you and the favour you are doing for her.

But if you want to carry on then absolutely text and say you need to know - preferably the night before.

bringthethunder · 27/06/2019 09:35

Exactly what @FrancisCrawford said - put the responsibility on them. Why should you even have to think about it? You're doing them a favour so they should be the ones to make the arrangement.

IvanaPee · 27/06/2019 09:35

The decent thing would have been for them to offer to take your child on the days that dad takes his son.

Being a massive people pleaser is a bit silly when you’re an adult who is being inconvenienced like this.

Text and say something like “Hi Mary, since John seems to be taking Little Johnny to school more often, why don’t you text me the night before he needs a lift so there are no more mix ups?”

GruciusMalfoy · 27/06/2019 09:38

Yea,I agree, if they need a favour they should ask the night before. You're going out of your way to help them already, they should be taking some responsibility and asking you if you could do it, rather than presuming you will, and not caring when you've wasted your time when they don't need you. It's really rude of them.

PotatoesDieInHotCars · 27/06/2019 09:43

I can't believe dad never offers to walk yours to school on those days. Rude.

formerbabe · 27/06/2019 09:45

Just don't turn up...if challenged, say that you assumed you were no longer needed.

Why are you doing this anyway? As a one off, fine but regularly, when you have 3 children of your own?! Plus an extra 6 minutes innate morning is a right pain imo.

Fromage · 27/06/2019 09:46

I was going to say change the arrangement so they have to ask you too - but not the night before. They might change their minds in the morning and you'll still show up.

I would say - with a smile, politely - that as the dad is more often taking the son to school, you're happy to still pick him up if they text you at [time] in the morning. Not the night before, not at 3am, not after it's too late to double back. They can set alarms on their phone to remind them to text you. That's their responsibility as it's you doing the favour. I would explain the inconvenience, and that they know how precious an extra 5 minutes is, in the morning. I'd say that it's not working for you as it stands, but you're you're happy to carry on if the new 'text in the morning' scheme will work for them.

OR

say you'll do certain specific days per week (Tues and Thurs?) but due to other commitments you can't now do every day - and do NOT stray from the days you have offered

LellyMcKelly · 27/06/2019 09:46

Yes - just text and say that Little Johnny’s dad seems to be getting him to school regularly these days and if she needs you in the future to just drop a text the night before. And then stop doing it.

Jeezoh · 27/06/2019 09:46

If you’re happy to keep helping them, put the onus back on them to let you know. Just text and say “I’ll assume you don’t need me to walk your son to school unless I hear from you, will save me taking an unnecessary detour on the days you can manage without me”

ImFreeToDoWhatIWant · 27/06/2019 09:48

Just stop doing it. "Sorry, it's not working for me anymore so I'll stop coming round as of Friday"
Job done.

MrsGaryLightbody · 27/06/2019 09:48

You are very accommodating!
By now I would of sent a text saying I don't have time to waste in morning so if I don't get a request text by 730am on the day I will not be walking child to school.
I'm a huge people pleaser but that would seriously pee me off !

Reallybadidea · 27/06/2019 09:51

They're taking the piss a bit OP and basically saying that their time is more valuable than theirs. Definitely ask them to text you if they need you to take their child.

springcloud19 · 27/06/2019 09:51

I agree with pps, if you actually want to carry on with this just text and say I'll assume I'm not taking your ds to school unless you text me by X time.

Don't explain, just leave it at that. If she questions it then I'd just stop the arrangement and say it doesn't work for you anymore.

Tbh if it was me I'd just stop doing it, they're clearly taking you for granted, why go out of your way for people who are taking the piss out of you!

As a pp said, they're not respecting you and your time and effort, you need to respect yourself!!

blackteasplease · 27/06/2019 09:52

I agree with those who say turn it around. That they message the night before if they DO want you to pick up their son. That way a lack of communication only impacts them.

If you want to do it at all that is!
They do sound rude.

m00rfarm · 27/06/2019 09:59

JUst tell them it is easier to assume you do NOT need to collect the son unless they tell you otherwise.

They are much less likely to forget to ask you to do it, than tell you you are not needed!

LivingInLaputa · 27/06/2019 10:05

Wow you’ve been far too nice for far too long! They are taking the piss and should offer to walk your child sometimes.

The idea of having to text you to ask is a good one

floribunda18 · 27/06/2019 10:06

Yep, definitely text her. As others have said, the night before if you do need to, otherwise you will assume you don't need to.

GabriellaMontez · 27/06/2019 10:06

Text 'please let me know the night before if jonny needs picking up or we will go the quicker way".

They are disrespectful of your time and goodwill.

GabriellaMontez · 27/06/2019 10:07

Personally I would also stop the arrangement totally

theworldistoosmall · 27/06/2019 10:08

I would simply stop going. When you get a call/text asking you are, say the arrangement has clearly stopped as dad keeps taking him.
She will probably ask to start doing it again. Say no, it no longer works for you.

The boy has two parents that could take him to school. They are cf's on the days' dad takes him, they should be picking up your ds.

Bishalisha · 27/06/2019 10:08

Ask her to text when she needs you to take DC, and assume she doesn’t need any help otherwise. I’m sure she’ll be more on the ball then Wink

Original poster
MegaBlocks · 27/06/2019 10:09

Thank you for all your replies.

It did start as a one off and then it just somehow turned into a regular thing (I can’t remember how it was that long ago!)

It used to work fine, I’d take him on set days and if I wasn’t needed I’d be told and all was fine I knew where I stood.

I do it as I genuinely don’t mind helping and there wouldn’t be anyone else to take him minus a family a member but they’ve got quite bad health issues so would be quite a burden on them daily which is why i do it instead. I don’t mind as I’m off to school anyway.

Also I only had one child at the time of setting up the arrangement so wasn’t as rushed off my feet as I am now!

There’d be no point in them taking my DS as they live a lot closer to the school than I do so they’d be walking right out the way to come back again. Their house is on the way to school from mine just have to walk a little longer route.

It’s only five minutes extra. It seems so petty moaning about it. I think the final straw was a really busy morning ds lost his shoes book bag every disaster going happened. Running late so DH rushes to school as have to pick up X only for X not to be there so he didn’t actually have to rush and I think he just imploded. Can’t blame him!

I think I’m just so used to just doing everything to please people to avoid confrontation that I allow myself to be walked over a little Blush

OP posts: