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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to say something to this mum or just leave it?

191 replies

MegaBlocks · 27/06/2019 09:26

I know in the grand scheme of things this isn’t a huge issue but it’s irritating me a little and would like some outside opinions.

I take sons friend to school in the morning a few times a week. I have done since reception and they’re now in year 3 so it’s a long term thing. I don’t mind helping and I never have. Boys very nice friendly with the parents etc.

Mum would always message me if dad was taking him and I wasnt needed to. On a very rare occasion I turned up and his dad has taken him and she’s forgotten to tell me though she was super apologetic and I was fine about it.

However it’s now becoming a more regular occurrence that I get there he’s already gone and I’ve gone out my way for nothing. The apologies have stopped and it just seems a bit like tough shit you’ve wasted your time iyswim.

They aren’t far from the school but it’s not on my direct route so have to go the long way round. It only adds on about 5/6 minutes into the journey which I know sounds petty but I have three kids and my own job to go so I’m not exactly swimming in loads of spare time in the morning myself.

I’m just getting a little frustrated with going there for no reason. I’ve been really really accommodating with requests and all I really want is a message to say don’t need to come today.

Anyway I just roll my eyes inwardly and carry on to school as I don’t want to make a fuss but it happened today when DH did the school run and he was fuming and wants me to say something. I do occasionally get messages saying I don’t need to come but it’s more often than not it’s forgotten.

Aibu to ask her to start informing me as I’m getting a little fed up of being messed about or should I just leave it to avoid bad feelings? I do like the parents and don’t want to cause awkwardness (I’m a massive people pleaser).

OP posts:
Nomorepies · 28/06/2019 19:18

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Whatifwewereallperfect · 28/06/2019 19:25

Same as Bishalisha - that way you don't need to go out of your way and she doesn't need to feel bad if she doesn't let you know not to come

Jeeperscreepers69 · 28/06/2019 19:26

Next time you go just say ill just wander to school tomorrow see you there ive got to deliver a card onroute. Then let her do the chasing. No contact dont go to collect. The ball will be in her court.

Bluetrews25 · 28/06/2019 19:46

I bet they wouldn't be so calm if you just didn't turn up to pick up the boy without letting them know.
And it's not up to you to lighten the load on the overworked relative! That is their responsibility. And is there not a breakfast club at school they could use - like everyone else does - if having to go to work early?

Kahlua4me · 28/06/2019 19:46

Our need to change it the other way round so that she needs to text you if she wants your help.

Then the onus is on her to ask you to walk him and she is more likely to remember to do that.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/06/2019 19:48

No need to risk your friendship by making a big deal of it

Oh dear god.

If a friendship only works when one person rolls over for the other then it’s not a friendship it’s a piss take.

GreenTulips · 28/06/2019 19:49

AnneLovesGilbert absolutely!

That and I think OP may wake up and realise that while the mum doesn’t appreciate her good deeds, the rest of the mums thinks she’s a mug

justarandomtricycle · 28/06/2019 20:00

"As of Monday, can't definitely do school pickups on any given day. If you do need us in a pinch, best to text well ahead of time to check, otherwise the assumption should be that we're not able to do it."

No need for an apology or any kind of excuse. You can politely just say how it is and move on with your life.

Wearywithteens · 28/06/2019 20:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

MrsBadcrumble123 · 28/06/2019 20:02

Grow a pair and stop allowing this entitled moron to walk all over you! Just stop turning up, not your kid not your problem. If she had the blind-arsed cheek to say anything just say ‘oh thought you didn’t need me anymore as I’ve turned up a few times and your DS has already left, byeeeeeeee’ Halo

AzraiL · 28/06/2019 20:11

Don't just ask them to send you a text when they need you, either. They shouldn't be assuming that just because they've asked that you're going to oblige:

'Hey friend from now on I'm going to assume that you won't need me to take your DS to school. On the days that you do, send me a text the night before and I'll let you know if I can do it.

They shouldn't assume that you'll always be there every morning or that you'll be available when they need help. They need to start appreciating what you do and you all need to start respecting your time.

Cloglover · 28/06/2019 20:32

You sound like such a lovely person and 95% of people would be utterly humbled if you did what you are doing for them and they would show their appreciation by being grateful. However these people are CFs. You acknowledge that you get walked on, so please please please do something about it to restore the balance of power. It's setting a bad example to your kids that it's normal to be taken advantage of. And they are taking advantage of your children and husband too as the family are not respecting their time by wasting it. I appreciate you want to do a good deed but why not find someone who will appreciate it so you can feel good about it and your kids can get a positive example. X

Hello1290 · 28/06/2019 20:38

Please stop this arrangement. She has no respect for you at all. Once the children leave primary school and you are no longer useful to her she will almost certainly not be interested in seeing you ever again. She is not your friend just a CF taking advantage of your good nature.

BummyKnocker · 28/06/2019 20:42

All the people telling the OP to request a text from them for the night before, like she is at their beck and call!

Stop doing it and explain to your children why the arrangement came to an end, they will learn about setting boundaries.

Laiste · 28/06/2019 20:43

Did she do it?

nuxe1984 · 28/06/2019 21:05

I agree with those saying that you need to put the onus on her to let you know if her son needs to be picked up.

Just say that DH was not happy about the wasted journey so, to avoid it happening again could she let you know by "specified time" if her DC needs collecting.

Make sure this gives you time for the detour and ignore any last minutesvtexts.

1moremum · 28/06/2019 21:10

naturally, the father who sometimes does and sometimes does not take his own child to school can't be involved in the notifying of the back up plan person. It's not just her that can't be bothered, it's him too. two adults cannot be bothered to let someone who has been doing them a huge favor know she isn't needed today.

IF I were you, I'd tell them next year you are only coming if they have asked you before you have left your house. Return your action to the status of favor, it's become the norm and they are taking you for granted.

Mummyontherocks · 28/06/2019 21:57

Ask them to message you, the night before, if they would like you to do them the favour of picking their DS up, if you don't get the message then you will assume you are not needed, xx

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/06/2019 22:00

They sound annoying and disorganised. I hope it goes well.

JJBB · 28/06/2019 22:20

Totally agree

TigerTooth · 28/06/2019 23:37

Hi Op
I don’t understand why so many are saying don’t do it anymore - you’re doing a nice thing for a family in need and less stress for them means less stress for that child - as it’s not a big difficulty for you and it really helps them then of course you should keep doing it.
However- a wasted journey is not nice so a polite reminder is definitely in order. If you feel uncomfortable you could always blame DH for raising the issue. “X is a lovely kid, happy to help out but it does add 5 mins to my journey which is frustrating when I arrive and he’s already gone. Perhaps in future you could just drop me a text the night before if you want me to collect rather than my just presuming and then X is not there”

Durgasarrow · 29/06/2019 00:32

I agree, this is a big deal and the onus should be on her.

TigerTooth · 29/06/2019 07:48

Yesterday 20:42 BummyKnocker

All the people telling the OP to request a text from them for the night before, like she is at their beck and call!

Stop doing it and explain to your children why the arrangement came to an end, they will learn about setting boundaries

Bunny - she’s doing it because she’s a nice person and can help a family in need with minimum disruption to her own journey.
Op doesn’t want to stop - she just wants the child to be there!
Stopping would have an impact on that child and Op wants to continue to help but just needs them to communicate.

manicmij · 29/06/2019 09:53

Go with FrancisCrawford on this one. They want your assistance, they have to let you know.

ChesterDrawsDoesntExist · 29/06/2019 10:28

No no no. OP may be a nice person doing a nice thing but she's doing it for the wrong people. They do not show any gratitude at all for what she is doing. In fact, they're completely disrespectful to her. They genuinely don't give a shit that's she's doing this. It means more to her than them.

I'm usually the first to offer to help out, probably more than I should, but for OP's own good and quite frankly for the good of the CFers who need to know this isn't acceptable any more, she needs to knock the completely one sided arrangement on the head.

I've said it already on this thread, what about breakfast club? Them taking the child earlier themselves? This would free up the poor relative too.