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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to say something to this mum or just leave it?

191 replies

MegaBlocks · 27/06/2019 09:26

I know in the grand scheme of things this isn’t a huge issue but it’s irritating me a little and would like some outside opinions.

I take sons friend to school in the morning a few times a week. I have done since reception and they’re now in year 3 so it’s a long term thing. I don’t mind helping and I never have. Boys very nice friendly with the parents etc.

Mum would always message me if dad was taking him and I wasnt needed to. On a very rare occasion I turned up and his dad has taken him and she’s forgotten to tell me though she was super apologetic and I was fine about it.

However it’s now becoming a more regular occurrence that I get there he’s already gone and I’ve gone out my way for nothing. The apologies have stopped and it just seems a bit like tough shit you’ve wasted your time iyswim.

They aren’t far from the school but it’s not on my direct route so have to go the long way round. It only adds on about 5/6 minutes into the journey which I know sounds petty but I have three kids and my own job to go so I’m not exactly swimming in loads of spare time in the morning myself.

I’m just getting a little frustrated with going there for no reason. I’ve been really really accommodating with requests and all I really want is a message to say don’t need to come today.

Anyway I just roll my eyes inwardly and carry on to school as I don’t want to make a fuss but it happened today when DH did the school run and he was fuming and wants me to say something. I do occasionally get messages saying I don’t need to come but it’s more often than not it’s forgotten.

Aibu to ask her to start informing me as I’m getting a little fed up of being messed about or should I just leave it to avoid bad feelings? I do like the parents and don’t want to cause awkwardness (I’m a massive people pleaser).

OP posts:
poopypants · 27/06/2019 11:24

‘It seems that more often than not, your dh is taking your dc to school. I’ll now presume that you don’t need me. If you do need me, please text before X time and I’ll pop by and collect your dc.’

this^^ please tell us you will do this.

Wild123 · 27/06/2019 11:25

I understand you don't mind helping i would do exactly the same. However, 5-6 minutes in the morning on a time schedule is a lot of time.

I agree that you should message just to say your happy to help out with the school run but in future its best to let me know when you need me to collect.

SmellbowSmellbow123 · 27/06/2019 11:26

So just to clarify, the relative with health issues lives with the child and family? And they also look after cousins etc? But the parents are sometimes home to take their child to school? Have I read this right?

NoSauce · 27/06/2019 11:27

They’re being really thoughtless here. You’ve done them a good deed for a long time and they’re taking you for granted. Definitely speak to her explaining that you’ll need confirmation the night before if she needs him collecting or tell her it’s not working anymore for you and you aren’t going to be taking him.

twoshedsjackson · 27/06/2019 11:35

Fully agree with PP's, and if you need a reason (actually, you don't!) the new school year could be a good one. Let her know that, as the boys move into Year 4, you're rethinking the morning routine, and will be taking your own child to school by the shorter route, unless you hear on the previous evening that he definitely needs picking up. It sounds as if you really don't mind, except when the journey is a wasted one!
Or perhaps you could take your DS to his friend's house so that both boys can go in with his friend's Daddy?

Jellylegsni · 27/06/2019 11:37

Hi op, this would drive me mad. I think I'd say something like

"Hi friend's name, I've turned up quite a lot for ds name recently to find out he's already been taken to school by his dad. I am happy to continue taking him when needed but can you please send me a text on the mornings you would like me to come as I'm pushed for time and don't want to walk the long way round for no reason :) "

I'd do the smiley face because I'm a chicken. Really it should be an Angry

stanski · 27/06/2019 11:40

Of course you should say something that's just rude of her.

ispepsiok · 27/06/2019 11:43

Send the parents a text telling them to contact you if they need help in future to save wasted trips and stop going to pick him up.

jameswong · 27/06/2019 11:44

Yeah. Just stop going. Don't even text them.

Honestly, I have a suspicion they feel the arrangement has perhaps run it's course also and would be quite happy for it to cease, so they might not even contact you about it.

If they do just say that you didn't think it was needed as his dad took him so often. If they ask you to restart tell them you can't as you've already altered your schedule at work.

The end.

Tooner · 27/06/2019 11:45

Very rude and it sounds like they're taking advantage of the disabled relative too. Seems like they don't care who does the running around after their children as long as they don't have to put themselves out to do it.
It's nice to be nice OP but not to be a total pushover. Text and say your OH was in a rush this morning and was very annoyed to be told he need not have bothered calling for their ds this morning. Therefore you will be cancelling the arrangement unless they are in desperate need of a hand and ask you the night before,

Candymay · 27/06/2019 11:48

I’m fairly new to mumsnet. So often I find myself reading these threads and feeling intensely irritated on behalf of the poster. This is one of those times. Please tell her she needs to text you in the morning at 8:00 if she needs you. You can say it really politely but you need to respect your own time and be kind to yourself. Please for my sake do this.

Girasole02 · 27/06/2019 11:48

They have zero manners and are treating you like a doormat. End this as of now. Been in similar situations myself and still get annoyed at myself for not calling time on things sooner. They only have themselves to blame.

Original poster
MegaBlocks · 27/06/2019 11:50

Smellbow: sorry to be confusing, I’m trying to be as vague as I can as I’d hate for them or someone to recognise the situation. I pick the boy up from relatives house, his mum drops them off at relatives house before she goes to work though they live on the same street so it’s not massively relevant. Dad works shifts so is available to take him sometimes but it’s random and depends on things like overtime etc.

I definitely feel like as time has gone on it’s become less of a favour and more just expected. I’m a bit of a walkover in general life and I definitely need to toughen up a bit starting with this I think!

OP posts:
happybunny007 · 27/06/2019 11:52

You are NOT being petty!

ChesterDrawsDoesntExist · 27/06/2019 11:53

I have to say, although putting the onus on them to text you the night before if they DO want you to pick him up, this too will become an issue because you can bet your ass it will start out polite messages asking nicely to short sharp orders via text in no time.

A friend used to ask for lifts once in a while and I was happy to oblige. Eventually the texts turned from "Hi, is there any chance at all I could get a lift next week for an appointment please? I'm a bit stuck", to "Will you take me to XX on Friday?" And then it was "I need to go to XX in 10 mins"

They get used to it and start expecting which is what this situation sounds like.

You should stop altogether I'm afraid.

Juells · 27/06/2019 12:08

TBH I'd expect a 7-year-old to walk to school if it isn't too far. Won't he be eight next school year? Bow out.

It's quite liberating, the moment you realise you can say NO to something, even if it's something that isn't massively inconveniencing. What happens if you have a day off and want a lie-in? I wouldn't take responsibility for someone else's child, which is the situation you've been maneouvred into.

MatildaTheCat · 27/06/2019 12:11

Send the text and possibly use this as a chance to consider what you can do to stop being such a people pleaser.

It’s really nice though that you are so happy to help this family out but yes, they are taking you for granted and need pulling up on it.

ChesterDrawsDoesntExist · 27/06/2019 12:13

They need to put their DS into breakfast club and stop relying on the kindness gullibility of friends. What happens on the days when you're not heading to the school? If the kids are off I'll or something? Do you have to go anyway?

A fellow school mum got into a similar arrangement with another (CFer) and one day her DS was I'll so she called the CFer mum and said she wasn't going to school that day. The CF mum said, "Well you'll still be picking up XX right?" She of course said no and CF mum got really snippy about it and kicked off a bit. Her kids are in breakfast club every day now instead because all the other mums got sick of her taking the piss. I'm glad I said no the first time I was asked. I have my own children to deal with thank you very much.

Candymay · 27/06/2019 12:14

Ditto. Use this as your learning opportunity to stop being a pleaser. You’ll feel so much better about yourself once you’ve done this.

BiddyPop · 27/06/2019 12:16

Maybe ask them to text you on the mornings that they DO need you, rather than remembering to let you know the mornings you don't need to go the long way?

XXVaginaAndAUterus · 27/06/2019 12:18

You're being taken for a mug and taken for granted. I dislike a lot of the messages suggested because they say "if you need me" - No no no, this is still putting them higher up the pecking order than you and that's not fair.

How about,

"Hi Sarah, life is hectic with kids, isn't it! There seem to have been some miscommunications in the mornings recently and I've wasted time making a longer trip to school than I needed to when your hubby has already taken Charlie to school. I'm still very happy to help you out when needed, but to avoid any more wasted time please text me by 9pm the night before if you'd like my help taking Charlie to school, so I can make best use of my time. Thanks love, see you soon! X"

The80sweregreat · 27/06/2019 12:18

Cant you text her beforehand or night before? Must be awkward though.

SmellbowSmellbow123 · 27/06/2019 12:46

Ok makes more sense!!

I think in your situation you defo need to get out of this ‘arrangement’. It’s one-sided for their benefit. Do they ever give you anything as a thank you? Flowers? Or even just ‘thank you for what you do’? The children moving in to Yr4 is your golden opportunity to stop helping them.

Boysey45 · 27/06/2019 12:54

I'd never have got into this situation in the first place.
All you need to do is tell them your not able to do it anymore full stop.
They are cheeky and don't respect you or your time.

squeaver · 27/06/2019 13:16

I suspect when it's happened, you've said something like, "Ok no problem never mind". That's why they've let the arrangement slip - it doesn't seemto bother you.

It's difficult if you're passing messages through the relative that's doing the childcare but just expressing your frustration will probably go a long way.