Aibu to say something to this mum or just leave it?

[MegaBlocks]

I know in the grand scheme of things this isn’t a huge issue but it’s irritating me a little and would like some outside opinions.

I take sons friend to school in the morning a few times a week. I have done since reception and they’re now in year 3 so it’s a long term thing. I don’t mind helping and I never have. Boys very nice friendly with the parents etc.

Mum would always message me if dad was taking him and I wasnt needed to. On a very rare occasion I turned up and his dad has taken him and she’s forgotten to tell me though she was super apologetic and I was fine about it.

However it’s now becoming a more regular occurrence that I get there he’s already gone and I’ve gone out my way for nothing. The apologies have stopped and it just seems a bit like tough shit you’ve wasted your time iyswim.

They aren’t far from the school but it’s not on my direct route so have to go the long way round. It only adds on about 5/6 minutes into the journey which I know sounds petty but I have three kids and my own job to go so I’m not exactly swimming in loads of spare time in the morning myself.

I’m just getting a little frustrated with going there for no reason. I’ve been really really accommodating with requests and all I really want is a message to say don’t need to come today.

Anyway I just roll my eyes inwardly and carry on to school as I don’t want to make a fuss but it happened today when DH did the school run and he was fuming and wants me to say something. I do occasionally get messages saying I don’t need to come but it’s more often than not it’s forgotten.

Aibu to ask her to start informing me as I’m getting a little fed up of being messed about or should I just leave it to avoid bad feelings? I do like the parents and don’t want to cause awkwardness (I’m a massive people pleaser).

Just say you're having so many wasted journeys that you're stopping the arrangement. She doesn't respect your time so you need to respect your time and stop wasting it.

I also think you should say something like this.

I don’t understand this at all. Just stop doing it. If she asks why tell her.

They are CF's and you should just end the arrangement. It's not your problem to arrange their child's travel to school. You have your own DC to concern yourself with. I'd put a stop to it ASAP.

I'd do it the the other way round - say "I'm assuming boys father will be taking him to school from now on, but just drop a text if you ever need me to help out with a life".
Put the responsibility back onto them.

Just stop doing it ! Tomorrow onwards don’t turn up

When they ask say sorry DH doing this for the foreseeable future and didn’t want to waste time

CF

Why can't they take their own child to school every day, is there a reason? Unless the main care provider has a health issue that stops them getting out I don't see why you do this. I agree with those that say you should inform this family that you are going to stop from next week, but say they can text you the night before if they need help on the odd occasion.

Sorry I didn't read through the thread 🙈

My annoyance with the extra 5 minutes wouldn't be the 5 minutes - it's the lack of respect, the imperious 'oh dh has taken him' without bothering to let you know (rude) and I would feel taken for granted and unvalued. Is there ever a bunch of flowers or a bottle of wine at the end of term, in thanks? It's the little things, and the lack of manners that would piss me off.

The issue of the text the night before is that they might send a text and dad still takes Jonny in the morning anyway. The reason I say that is they don't sound organised or on the ball - and with health issue going on that's understandable. But if things are a bit chaotic, you run the risk of getting a text the night before (11pm? 2am? 6pm? 4pm? when?) and then you're still not needed.

I would also wonder if the dad takes Jonny and is then supposed to text you to let you know, but doesn't.

Maybe they don't understand (and certainly don't respect) it's out of your way and that time in the morning with 3 little ones is precious.

Hence, they text you in the morning when they're more likely to have their act together.

I would suggest stopping picking X up from their house.
Say ‘We leave ours at 8:30 sharp, drop X at 8:30 and I’ll be happy to take him with us, if I don’t see you I’ll assume he’s gone with his dad’.
Or they could also bring him to the turning that takes you out of your way, so that if he’s not there you just carry on.

I allow myself to be walked over a little

I think you have hit the nail on the head yourself, OP.

Stop turning up. Tell them you're not doing it any more as the journey now seems to be wasted if they bleat you're asked about it. If you're asked to carry on tell them it's not working for you any more. The onus is on them to get their kid to school, not you.

They work during the school run times which is why I take their ds. I don’t want to be too outing but the relative that provides their childcare has a few physical health problems aswell as partially blind so it would be quite a strain for them to do the school run regularly as well. They provide childcare for the ds’s younger sister and cousins aswell. I’m genuinely in awe of the amount this person does for their family that I do not mind taking the extra pressure off them. I just want to know if I need to go there or not.

Thanks for your replies everyone . I thought I might be a bit unreasonable given that it’s on my way and only a few minutes lost but I can see that I’m not so I’ll definitely send a message along the lines of what’s been suggested.

Just stop going. Text her beforehand and simply say 'From now on I'm going to start walking the short way and not passing your house –if you do need DC picked up, text me the night before and let me know.'

I think the annoying part is they don't seem too bothered about inconveniencing you for nothing. If they are not apologetic when it happens it seems like they must feel they are entitled to your help.

Why not say that you can't do it at all for a week (or 10!) as you have a lot on, maybe that might make them realise they should have appreciated you a little more.

@ScatteredMama82's message is spot on.

Its nice to be nice but they are making a fool out of you. I wouldnt put up with this disrespect. Stop going out of your way to help these ungrateful people. Show your own kids not to tolerate being used like that.

OP, please update us on their response.

Also, they just don't value what you do for them, which is a big thing.

Time to stop doing it, they can get a childminder to pick up the DC if they need to. Just stop, prioritise yourself, your husband and your child over these people, who are not even friends, just users.

Have you posted about them before? Rings a bell.

You could turn it on it’s head and text her...

‘It seems that more often than not, your dh is taking your dc to school. I’ll now presume that you don’t need me. If you do need me, please text before X time and I’ll pop by and collect your dc.’

That way unless you hear anything you don’t collect. Might make them think a bit more too.

How come the parents don’t take him anyway? Surely they’re not leaving a Yr3 aged kid home alone?

Flip it. Get them to message you the night before if he needs collecting. Now just assume he's got a lift and they will contact you if not.

Just say that as he seems to be getting a lift most days there is no point in you stopping by so just let you know if he needs picking up.

No, he's with a relative.

I agree. Ask them to text you if he needs taking and if you don't hear then don't turn up.

This reminds me, in a way, of a problem my sister had with a CF neighbour who started borrowing her blender. It became a regular thing every week, then it wouldn't be returned and she'd have to ask for it back. The final straw came when DS asked for it back and was told "...but I'll need to have it back tomorrow" accompanied by a warning frown. That was the end of that, when CF asked for it again she was told it was broken.

CFs become very entitled and lose sight of the fact that you're doing a favour, and don't have to accommodate their wishes.

When respect is no longer being served, it is time to leave the table.

Drop the arrangement.

Why doesn't the relative take him to school?

I agree you should flip the arrangement and tell them they have to contact you each time they want a pick up (personally I'd have dropped it altogether but I'm horrible).

I also think you should tell them directly how annoying it had been as a precursor: "DH and I are getting really fed up wasting our time when you haven't bothered to tell us pick up isn't needed, so [new arrangement]" People like that think they are special and you are important and lucky they let you do them a favour. Set them straight!

You are being very kind hearted and thoughtful OP, but you have also allowed yourself to be a doormat (sorry but true..).

By all means say that as they seem usually to have made other arrangements that, effective Monday you will no longer be collecting their child except in an emergency situation and with appropriate notice (you tell them what appropriate for you).

I've found people generally will only take you for granted if you let them...