Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to say something to this mum or just leave it?

191 replies

MegaBlocks · 27/06/2019 09:26

I know in the grand scheme of things this isn’t a huge issue but it’s irritating me a little and would like some outside opinions.

I take sons friend to school in the morning a few times a week. I have done since reception and they’re now in year 3 so it’s a long term thing. I don’t mind helping and I never have. Boys very nice friendly with the parents etc.

Mum would always message me if dad was taking him and I wasnt needed to. On a very rare occasion I turned up and his dad has taken him and she’s forgotten to tell me though she was super apologetic and I was fine about it.

However it’s now becoming a more regular occurrence that I get there he’s already gone and I’ve gone out my way for nothing. The apologies have stopped and it just seems a bit like tough shit you’ve wasted your time iyswim.

They aren’t far from the school but it’s not on my direct route so have to go the long way round. It only adds on about 5/6 minutes into the journey which I know sounds petty but I have three kids and my own job to go so I’m not exactly swimming in loads of spare time in the morning myself.

I’m just getting a little frustrated with going there for no reason. I’ve been really really accommodating with requests and all I really want is a message to say don’t need to come today.

Anyway I just roll my eyes inwardly and carry on to school as I don’t want to make a fuss but it happened today when DH did the school run and he was fuming and wants me to say something. I do occasionally get messages saying I don’t need to come but it’s more often than not it’s forgotten.

Aibu to ask her to start informing me as I’m getting a little fed up of being messed about or should I just leave it to avoid bad feelings? I do like the parents and don’t want to cause awkwardness (I’m a massive people pleaser).

OP posts:
sheshootssheimplores · 27/06/2019 10:11

I like the idea of assuming they don’t need you unless they tell you otherwise. Clever!

Drum2018 · 27/06/2019 10:12

Definitely get her to text when she needs you to collect, not to tell you that her Dh is bringing him, as that won't be as important to her. So just say, 'can you just let me know by text by 8am if you need me to bring John to school. If I don't hear from you I'll assume your Dh is bringing him'. Then unless you get a text/call you don't call for him. If she tries to fob you off with apologies and that she'll text you if her Dh is bringing him, just tell her that doesn't suit as you've called for John numerous times when she hasn't bothered to let you know that her Dh was available.

Aworldofmyown · 27/06/2019 10:13

Not petty at all - very bloody annoying!

I would send a text saying "Hey, you don't seem to need me to walk X to school as often, so from now on I will assume you don't need my help unless you let me know the night before. This means we can walk the shorter route and leave a little later. Obviously still happy to walk him when you need it"

LillithsFamiliar · 27/06/2019 10:15

Did your DH implode at them or wait until he got home and imploded at you? Presumably if he told them how unhappy he was at his time being wasted, they'll be more considerate in the future.
Or text and say DH will be doing the drop-off some mornings and can't afford to stop at their's if their DS isn't coming so can they text in the morning to let you know if they need your help.
It seems to me that you have been very accommodating and your DH is pushing you to be more confrontational about this so explain it's coming from him.

EllenAshSky1 · 27/06/2019 10:15

If it was me, I would switch it around and ask them to msg me when they wanted their son taken in by me.

I bet they won't forget to send you a msg the mornings they need you!! 🙄
That way... IF they were to forget to msg you asking you to pick him up, it's on them.

Juells · 27/06/2019 10:17

pinkyredrose
Just say you're having so many wasted journeys that you're stopping the arrangement. She doesn't respect your time so you need to respect your time and stop wasting it.

^^ This. She has no respect for you, and is taking advantage.

Poloshot · 27/06/2019 10:17

Stop doing it.

fedup21 · 27/06/2019 10:18

I would stop the arrangement now-just say it’s not working any more.

ScatteredMama82 · 27/06/2019 10:18

Pfft. That's ridiculous - I'd message her tonight with this "Hi X, DH mentioned that Y had already gone to school this morning when he arrived to collect him. Don't mind at all taking Y when needed, but as it doesn't seem to be so often these days I'll go back to taking the quicker route to school but if you need me to collect Y any day just let me know the night before. You know what mornings can be like, the extra 5 minutes make all the difference some days! X"

It doesn't need to be confrontational, but she does need to be told in the nicest possible way not to take the piss!

lunicorn · 27/06/2019 10:18

Definitely tell them from now on you're assuming you're not needed unless asked.
If you can't face the conversation, make up a reason.
They are users and rude.

GabsAlot · 27/06/2019 10:19

You dont have to see her just text the above message from pp-Theyre taking the piss out of you and to not even apologise is so rude

DontCallMeShitley · 27/06/2019 10:19

I would forget to tell them I wasn't going in, or going that way a few times.

Then say it didn't seem to be working any more.

worriedandannoyed · 27/06/2019 10:22

I would message and say they don't need you as much now so on the days they do need to you take him can they message you by a certain time as your mornings are rushed as it is

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 27/06/2019 10:24

Just say you're having so many wasted journeys that you're stopping the arrangement. She doesn't respect your time so you need to respect your time and stop wasting it.

This is what you should do buttttt....
If you want to keep helping these rude ingrates then Scatteredmamas response is perfect. I guarantee they won’t forget to text you.

Wheresthebeach · 27/06/2019 10:24

Tell them its going to stop at the end of this school year as its no longer working for you and that until the end of the year they need to let you know if they want their child to picked up.

You can be nice about it, saying you don't want any more mix ups.

They are being awfully rude.

SavoyCabbage · 27/06/2019 10:27

I think I you owe it to your own husband not to 'just leave it'. Why is what he wants at the bottom of your priority list? If my dh had entered into an arrangement like this and then expected me to be dragged into it and then I was treated so shabbily by people my dh had been doing a huge favour for for four years I'd be unhappy.

You must not be very significant in their lives if they can't even remember to tell you if you aren't needed. They are completely taking you for granted.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 27/06/2019 10:27

I’d just say you can’t do next week but if they need you any day after that to give you a text the night before. That way they will try on their own and if they can’t manage see your support for what it is (bloody kind).

JaneEyreAgain · 27/06/2019 10:28

I understand your position. It is a shame that your DH lost his patience today but it has highlighted that you are in this position regularly and that it is not fair. Pop in, have a quiet word and say, if someone is taking your son to school, please let me know.

I totally understand how a small favour can escalate and just become too much. I used to drop 3 children home along with my own three and to be honest, it was so intense, rounding up 6 children and having mayhem in the car when all mine wanted to do was tell me about thier day was chaos. Only 15 minutes but still chaos and I had to say no, I cannot do this.

Blinkingblimey · 27/06/2019 10:28

scatteredMama82 ‘s message reads perfectly fine - friendly, non confrontational and puts the ball in their court to arrange.

DdraigGoch · 27/06/2019 10:29

Just become unreliable. "I thought his father was taking him in today, sorry".

llewellyn25 · 27/06/2019 10:29

Definitely say something and I think I would end the arrangement because they don't seem to value your help.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 27/06/2019 10:30

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

EL8888 · 27/06/2019 10:30

I would say something. You are the one doing the favour after all

FE2019 · 27/06/2019 10:31

I think you're being too accommodating and she's so used to it that she no longer appreciates you doing it and takes it for granted to the point she doesn't even see you're helping her out and no longer values it.

I would stop altogether and send her a message along the lines of "Hi xxxx as you're DH takes child to school a lot more frequently now and I often don't know when he is taking him so I end up turning up at yours even when you don't need me, I think its best I stop calling in the morning and if you need me to pick up child on the odd day here and there just let me know and if i can i will"

FE2019 · 27/06/2019 10:32

but without the typos :)