Aibu to say something to this mum or just leave it?

[MegaBlocks]

I know in the grand scheme of things this isn’t a huge issue but it’s irritating me a little and would like some outside opinions.

I take sons friend to school in the morning a few times a week. I have done since reception and they’re now in year 3 so it’s a long term thing. I don’t mind helping and I never have. Boys very nice friendly with the parents etc.

Mum would always message me if dad was taking him and I wasnt needed to. On a very rare occasion I turned up and his dad has taken him and she’s forgotten to tell me though she was super apologetic and I was fine about it.

However it’s now becoming a more regular occurrence that I get there he’s already gone and I’ve gone out my way for nothing. The apologies have stopped and it just seems a bit like tough shit you’ve wasted your time iyswim.

They aren’t far from the school but it’s not on my direct route so have to go the long way round. It only adds on about 5/6 minutes into the journey which I know sounds petty but I have three kids and my own job to go so I’m not exactly swimming in loads of spare time in the morning myself.

I’m just getting a little frustrated with going there for no reason. I’ve been really really accommodating with requests and all I really want is a message to say don’t need to come today.

Anyway I just roll my eyes inwardly and carry on to school as I don’t want to make a fuss but it happened today when DH did the school run and he was fuming and wants me to say something. I do occasionally get messages saying I don’t need to come but it’s more often than not it’s forgotten.

Aibu to ask her to start informing me as I’m getting a little fed up of being messed about or should I just leave it to avoid bad feelings? I do like the parents and don’t want to cause awkwardness (I’m a massive people pleaser).

I'd ask them to text the night before if they need their son picked up.

That way, the onus is on them.

-yup do this

I’ve been really really accommodating with requests and all I really want is a message to say don’t need to come today.

If they can’t even be arsed to do this, they are actually really selfish people. I would just say you aren’t doing it any more.

Well I think you should just text: “Hi guys, sorry won’t be able to do lifts any more in the mornings. See you soon xx”

And move on with your lives.

They are totally piss taking cfs.
From your description it seems they need you far more than you would ever need them.
Ie shift work l, disabled childcare etc.
They SHOULD be really appreciative of the favour you’re doing for them and the (albeit minor) inconvenience to you (a few minutes a day adds up).

Well it’s clear to me they aren’t. If THEY aren’t worried about how their dc will get to work when they are both on shift etc WHY are you??

I have had sleepless night over childcare and if I had someone helping me out like you are I would be returning the favour when possible (how come it’s ok for you to go out if your way EVERY day but dad can’t once in a while) and sending round a bottle of wine every so often as a thank you and certainly not tearing you like the hire help.

And now they are taking the piss out of your dh.

So it would be an end to the arrangement for me.

I would be sending a text to say that my picking up dc in the mornings was no longer working for me and as a result I wasn’t going to do it any more.

Tearing = treating

I second @franciscrawford

I have done since reception and they’re now in year 3 so it’s a long term thing
Was it actually agreed or one of those things you 'fell in to'?

If it had been agreed then you would have boundaries - "let me know in advance if i'm not needed".
It's basic respect.
It should be there even if you just fell in to the routine/expectation.

She obviously is comfortable letting you know if you're not needed so why not just say if she's changed her mind?
It's just downright rude and ungrateful the way she's now behaving.
I think she wants to keep you on standby for as/when it suits her instead of you being able to choose/set boundaries.

I'd just stop doing it altogether without saying anything.
You don't owe her an explanation.
If/when she next asks, i'd ignore her all day and reply in the evening saying it just doesn't work for you anymore.
She doesn't value those extra 'few minutes' of your time but you need to.

i missed the update about the relatives house.
come on OP!
That just adds another dimension to their ride, cf behaviour!
let the relative take the kid to school in an emergency or whatever, they're adult enough to sort it out themselves.

but I have three kids and my own job to go so I’m not exactly swimming in loads of spare time in the morning myself.

Can’t you see that they’re lacking in respect for you, they think their time is more important than yours.

It was something that I fell into admittedly. One time became twice then it became an every day arrangement. To start with it was fine it was x days a week and any days I wasn’t needed I’d know and it wouldn’t be an issue. It’s just now becoming hit and miss when I’m needed to do it and hit and miss wether she tells me or not!

I don’t really want to end the arrangement. I’m genuinely just trying to do a nice thing and take the pressure off said relative who would end up doing the school run as it’d be difficult for them. I’m able bodied and I’m going that way it’s just genuinely just the lack of communication and the fact I’m going out of my way for nothing that’s bothering me.

For those who asked I have received one bottle of wine two years ago at the end of term but got nothing last year. But I don’t even expect anything I’m just trying to do a good thing. As it’s gone on a while it’s definitely gone from a favour that’s appreciated to just an expected thing now.

I get on well with them and I don’t really want to rock the boat but I think I’ve definitely realised I’m being a doormat .

Thank you all for kicking my bum a bit and I’m definitely going to say something!

Op, they seem to not realise that you are doing them a favour not the other way round.

Just keep doing it then if you don't want to stop.

But don't expect your dh to do it as he doesn't want to.

And don't expect them to be grateful as they aren't.

I would definitely stop the arrangement. But if that feels too harsh then you must flip it on its head. They must text you THE NIGHT BEFORE (not the morning that will be too chaotic) if they want your help the next day. Otherwise you will assume they dont need collecting. Please tell us this is what you've said OP?

You’re really nice but I’d just stop doing it as your circumstances have changed and by all accounts they are capable of getting their own children to school (and if they aren’t, it’s not your responsibility).

Trouble is that often the more you do for someone, the more they start to lean on you and the less thanks you get for it. This I have learnt!

It must be a bit embarrassing for the relative too. I would give the relative your number too and say that you genuinely don't mind taking him as long as you know by X time.

Shouldn't the parents of the child be taking the pressure off the relative? Seems like this situation could easily be resolved if you and the relative both stood up for yourselves.

Ask her to let you know if he needs picking up, not the other way round.

That way she picks up the pieces for her, can't-be-arsed, attitude to someone doing her a favour.

Goodness they are taking such advantage of your kindness

She's a cheeky fucker OP and I hope she reads this thread as she needs to know it.

Yep, I'd insist on reversing the arrangement, they let you know when you are needed and if you hear nothing you assume you're not. Any arguments and I'd respond 'that's what suits me, if I don't receive a text I won't be coming' and repeat. It's utterly unfair to expect you to put yourself out to the extent you do if they're not even willing to put themselves out enough to drop you a text, maybe having to message every time will make them realise just how much you do help them out. Put it back on them, you shouldn't be both doing the favour and sorting arrangements so you don't have wasted journeys so make them actively communicate if they want your help.

Asking for your time and goodwill to be respected is not petty! AT ALL.
And 5 minutes on a school morning is a long time.
You sound happy to continue the arrangement, so text asking them to text you the night before when their son needs picking up. They need to shoulder the responsibility for that.

Tell her you'll no longer be doing it as more often than not you're turning up for no reason. Theres no message which means you're wasting time and getting out the house earlier for bo reason.

I would just say that, "I can't do the lifts on a regular basis any more, but if you need me in an emergency then to let me know."

Why do you need to do this to feel good?
It’s not a good thing if people don’t appreciate the effort you go to.

Can’t you refocus your good deeds on something more worthwhile?

They had a child and they need to make the arrangements for him to get to school.

If theat means paying then they need to pay. If this goes to the relative then they Allan take their shitty behaviour instead of you

Why do you need to do this to feel good?
It’s not a good thing if people don’t appreciate the effort you go to.

I find this thread quite upsetting. One of my best friends feels compelled to do things for people all the time, and is never thanked. Her mother was a nasty abusive woman, my friend knocked herself always trying to please her, and has carried over into her dealings with other people. Not only does she not get thanked, she gets walked all over as a result. I beg her not to do it, she'll try, but she just can't help herself it's so ingrained. As GreenTulips says, it's not healthy. You're never going to be thanked because you've set up the relationship in which your feelings don't matter, you don't need to be thanked or even considered.