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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to say something to this mum or just leave it?

191 replies

MegaBlocks · 27/06/2019 09:26

I know in the grand scheme of things this isn’t a huge issue but it’s irritating me a little and would like some outside opinions.

I take sons friend to school in the morning a few times a week. I have done since reception and they’re now in year 3 so it’s a long term thing. I don’t mind helping and I never have. Boys very nice friendly with the parents etc.

Mum would always message me if dad was taking him and I wasnt needed to. On a very rare occasion I turned up and his dad has taken him and she’s forgotten to tell me though she was super apologetic and I was fine about it.

However it’s now becoming a more regular occurrence that I get there he’s already gone and I’ve gone out my way for nothing. The apologies have stopped and it just seems a bit like tough shit you’ve wasted your time iyswim.

They aren’t far from the school but it’s not on my direct route so have to go the long way round. It only adds on about 5/6 minutes into the journey which I know sounds petty but I have three kids and my own job to go so I’m not exactly swimming in loads of spare time in the morning myself.

I’m just getting a little frustrated with going there for no reason. I’ve been really really accommodating with requests and all I really want is a message to say don’t need to come today.

Anyway I just roll my eyes inwardly and carry on to school as I don’t want to make a fuss but it happened today when DH did the school run and he was fuming and wants me to say something. I do occasionally get messages saying I don’t need to come but it’s more often than not it’s forgotten.

Aibu to ask her to start informing me as I’m getting a little fed up of being messed about or should I just leave it to avoid bad feelings? I do like the parents and don’t want to cause awkwardness (I’m a massive people pleaser).

OP posts:
3luckystars · 27/06/2019 22:30

I think for the sake of your relationship, you should stop doing it.

If the balance is tipped one way for many years then the 'used" person eventually gets sick of it and explodes and there is no putting it right.

You could say 'I will bring john on Mondays only from now on. I will call every Monday morning. If you don't need me on the Monday, please text me on Sunday night to tell me or I will stop altogether'

You are very kind but they are ungrateful, so offer to help but give them the rules. Good luck.

3luckystars · 27/06/2019 22:33

My sister also told me that people with low self esteem are always trying to help others, it made sense to me anyway.

lhastingsmua · 27/06/2019 22:51

I agree with the others - I think the dynamic of your friendship has changed for the worse and can’t really be easily salvaged at this point - they think you’re a pushover and are unfortunately taking advantage of you without a second thought.

I know you like being helpful and it’s not terribly inconvenient so you’d be happy to continue with the arrangement after an apology etc, but there’re not going to change their ways overnight, they won’t immediately start giving you that respect that you need and it’s wishful thinking if you think otherwise.

lhastingsmua · 27/06/2019 22:54

Also don’t be afraid to ‘rock the boat’ - they have treated you unfairly first, the boat has already been ‘rocked’ as evidenced by their treatment towards you. If your friendship was really that great, they wouldn’t forget to tell you not to come so often, it should have only happened the once and never again if they cared about inconveniencing you.

SandAndSea · 27/06/2019 22:55

"Hi CF-friend! Just letting you know that I won't be continuing with the school runs from XXX. I'm finding the extra travel time a bit much, especially with all the wasted journeys recently. I'm sure you'll understand. OP x"

It's clear and honest and let's them know, nicely, that you've noticed their cheeky-fuckery and are not prepared to tolerate being treated like that.

Beautiful3 · 28/06/2019 07:24

Op what did you decide to do?

GreenTulips · 28/06/2019 08:03

I also think you need to let them know when your DH does the school run that he won’t be collecting their child

Why inconvenience your husband for them?

Why put their needs above your own family

Find another good deed to make you feel good but not at the expense of your family

EmeraldShamrock · 28/06/2019 08:52

Start fresh is September, turn things around tell them from September if they need help with a pickup they must text you in the morning to ask otherwise you wont be calling.
Or tell them to piss off, they're rude people taking advantage of you
You are a very kind person, I like to help when I can but not if they're taking advantage.

LoafofSellotape · 28/06/2019 08:56

I’d ask them to text the night before if they need their son picked up

That way, the onus is on them

It will be more “work” for them to do this, but not nearly as much effort as you are putting in

Yes, quite!

Sara107 · 28/06/2019 17:57

Change the rules and say you will only pick up if they message and ask for it that day?

Bugbabe1970 · 28/06/2019 17:57

Forget to pick him up now and then and day you forgot to txt
Very passive aggressive I guess but hey ho.......or maybe just send that txt!

NowWhatUsernameShallIHave · 28/06/2019 18:02

Say it’s no longer working for you and you don’t need to give a reason at all.

Your other choice if you want to carry on is to flip it around and put the onus on her.
Say that if you don’t receive a message by X time on the day she wants you to pick up her DS, then you’ll assume he has gone with his Dad.

NowWhatUsernameShallIHave · 28/06/2019 18:04

No message, no pick up

I personally would stop but that’s just me

EllenMP · 28/06/2019 18:12

I would send them a text saying "Looks like Sonny doesn't need a lift most days now, so I'll stop popping by in the mornings. Do send me a text the night before whenever he needs one, though, and I'll be happy to swing by in the morning." No need to risk your friendship by making a big deal of it, or your sanity by stopping by and finding no one there!

Shinesweetfreedom · 28/06/2019 18:15

Oh it’s a shame but I am unable to pick up your child anymore as they have change my work hours.

bourbonbiccy · 28/06/2019 18:15

I haven't read all the thread but I think I would just say (in a nice manner) "I will assume you're son is sorted for getting to school unless you pop me a txt the night before "

Disfordarkchocolate · 28/06/2019 18:16

I'd be stopping too. Parents have to step up when they have children, that means taking them to school. Allowing them to disrespect you, your husband and your children aren't pleasing the people who matter the most to you.

They need to start paying for childcare when they have to pay they will realise what disrespectful CF they have been.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 28/06/2019 18:19

Rather than default to you collecting, why not default no not connecting and they can text you if they want you to fetch them? You can then decide if it's convenient!

ToftyAC · 28/06/2019 18:25

I’m afraid I’m in the camp of telling her that you’ll not be doing it anymore. That you were doing her a favour, which you were more than happy to do, but you’ve had a wasted journey one too many times without so much as an apology and you have more respect for yourself to carry on in this regard.

TanMateix · 28/06/2019 18:35

Don’t make a fuss just ask them to text you the night before if they need a lift. I understand that it is your wish to do it, and you don’t mind them walking over you but it is nice to be appreciated and having a text sent a night before it is not much work to do compared to driving their kid to school every day for 3 years

Katherine2626 · 28/06/2019 18:43

This person thinks her time is far more valuable than hers. Tell her that you will now only collect her son if she texts you on the day, and if it happens again that is the end of the arrangement. I had a cheeky neighbour like this; we would wait and wait in the car outside her house for her child to appear for a lift; DD getting into a state about being late, and I had to go on to work after dropping them. One day I snapped and said I wasn't collecting her any more; if she wanted a lift she must walk to my house and if she wasn't there by 8.30 we were going. Amazingly she turned up on time every day after that.

Katherine2626 · 28/06/2019 18:43

Than yours!

lovealookabout · 28/06/2019 18:49

I actually think your doing this the wrong way around. Do you know what I would do? Ask her to tell you IF she needs you to take him. Also I will now RTFT but would love to know why you need to take him when mum is there.

codemonkey · 28/06/2019 18:53

The default needs to be that you don't take him. If they need you to, they let you know the night before.

Or just stop doing it altogether.

Jux · 28/06/2019 19:03

Switch it round. Assume they'll be taking their son unless they call by X time. If they call you in time you will detour and pick up their son. Stick to it.

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