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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not telling dp about dd's periods

437 replies

Loveatthefiveanddime · 27/06/2019 09:19

Not happened yet, this is hypothetical. It comes from a conversation with a male colleague at work, (for the record he is 29, childless, and very right-on).
He was saying that if his partner did not tell him when their imaginary future daughter started her periods, he would be gutted.
I argued that if a child has specifically requested that you 'don't tell dad' then you shouldn't as it is her body and her privacy?

In my case, I could imagine very well my dd saying that and actually I don't think it would be a huge deal for my partner as he would respect her privacy, but I am thinking it through now a it is probably quite imminent.

But AIBU? The male colleague was horrified, and said that a mum and dad should be absolutely united on everything and that means absolutely no secrets whatsoever.

OP posts:
CIT80 · 27/06/2019 09:23

My dd said don’t tell dad - I did tell him as I didn’t want anyone rushing her in the bathroom etc. She wasn’t Cross I told him and had actually at timed has phoned him to take clean clothes and san pro stuff to school for her when she has unexpectedly got her period. It’s nothing to be ashamed of and shouldn’t be a taboo subject

AfterSchoolWorry · 27/06/2019 09:26

That seems a weird thing for a childless man in his twenties to be thinking about.....

Something a bit off there maybe?

I don't think his desire to know is more important than the child's right to privacy and bodily autonomy.

Gatehouse77 · 27/06/2019 09:33

That seems a weird thing for a childless man in his twenties to be thinking about.....

Why? Because he's putting a lot of thought into parenting before becoming a parent? Because it's about a normal bodily function but for the opposite sex? Because he's a man?

I pondered all sorts of potential scenarios before having my own children and how I thought I might deal with them. Then when DH and I met we did the same thing but together.

YouKidsKeepMeYoung · 27/06/2019 09:36

I could imagine my DH would be upset at not being "trusted" with the information. But of course if DD doesn't want me to say anything then I won't. He'll figure it out eventually of course.
My own F found out in the evening of my very first period (I'd had bad period pains all day and finally snapped at him) and rang my DM to demand to know if she knew, and then had a go at me for not telling him.

MysweetAudrina · 27/06/2019 09:37

I can't imagine it being an issue in my home as the kids are quite open about stuff like that and recently I bought my 11 year old dd a starter pack to have just in case and her 10 year old brother saw it on her bed and announced to me dh and her that her period stuff was on her bed. It probably depends on the dynamic of your house and her relationship with her df and her own view on things like puberty. I think even if she asked me not to say something I would mention it just so he was aware and might be a bit more tolerant to her moods etc...

Seeline · 27/06/2019 09:38

I think it will probably be fairly obvious anyway?

I told my DH (dd hadn't told me not to) for practical reasons:
He usually does the bins, so needed to be aware of possible more frequent emptying.
He often does laundry so may need to deal with stained bedding and/or underwear.
He needs to cut her some slack when her hormones are playing up.

He hasn't mentioned anything to her, because there is no need.

mrsm43s · 27/06/2019 09:38

My DD is quite open about it and has never had any problem with her DF or even her DB knowing.

If she'd asked for privacy, I think I would have respected that, unless there was a reason that DH needed to know, e.g. repeated school absences etc.

We very much took our cue from how our DD behaved, and didn't make a big deal about anything. We certainly didn't strategize in advance how we were going to share information on DDs periods!

PerfectPeony2 · 27/06/2019 09:43

I remember when I was 12 and first started my Mum told her partner (not my dad) without asking me. He made a comment like ‘proper woman now aren’t you’. I still remember that now because I felt like it was a complete evasion of my privacy and I didn’t have a good relationship with him anyway.

Hypothetical (my daughter is 1). I’d probably share the news with DH although I’d make sure he wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. I think it’s best if both parents know for doing the shopping/ finding loos when out and about etc.

PestyMachtubernahme · 27/06/2019 09:43

There is a difference between privacy and secrecy.

I agree with your work colleague.

DogbertDogglesworth · 27/06/2019 09:45

I didn't tell my husband when our DD hit puberty, she told him herself. She was being grumpy and he asked her what was the matter and she replied with a big sigh 'women's problems dad, you wouldn't understand'
He had to leave the room to laugh. Not at her, but at the way she said it.
That was how i found out that she had started her first period, via him when i came home from work.

Sirzy · 27/06/2019 09:45

I think you need to be careful that you don’t give the message it’s something to be ashamed off.

It doesn’t need to be made a song and dance about but keeping it top secret is wrong and doing everyone a disservice.

BertrandRussell · 27/06/2019 09:47

Up to the dd concerned. I would want her specific agreement to tell anyone. Everyone is entitled to privacy.

BertrandRussell · 27/06/2019 09:49

Secrecy and privacy are two different things
“Don’t tell your dad” =secrecy
“Don’t tell my dad”= privacy

OldAndWornOut · 27/06/2019 09:50

I would respect a request for privacy.

AquaPris · 27/06/2019 09:51

I think it's very normal to just say by the way X has started her period so be kind to her for a few days as she might be grumpy or upset.

I'd hate for her to be suffering and he just thinks she's being petulant. Parents shouldn't really keep secrets from each other about kids when they're still together.

StraffeHendrik · 27/06/2019 09:51

I had some issues with periods as a teenager and took ages to sum up the courage to tell my mum (we weren't the kind of family who just talked about that stuff, nor were most people back then).

I asked her not to tell anyone but she told my dad and as a result I still don't trust her with anything private 20 years later. (To be fair she has told me other family members private stuff since, or I might have forgotten about it by now)

I think you should respect your teenagers' confidences or expect them to stop telling you stuff tbh

frazzledasarock · 27/06/2019 09:52

I can’t imagine our DD’s not wanting their dad to know. He shops a lot and sometimes comes home with new sanitary towels for older DD’s to try as he knows they use them. Never makes a thing of it it’s just added to the shop.

Its not something I’d make a massive deal out of. And DD’s see me asking DP to pick up all sorts of things for me without embarrassment or shame. And generally are quite happy with DP getting them sanpro.

Lavellan · 27/06/2019 09:52

bleh @PerfectPeony2 I find those sorts of comments very skin-crawly. He probs just didn't know what to say, but... how about just say nothing.

BertrandRussell · 27/06/2019 09:55

“Parents shouldn't really keep secrets from each other about kids when they're still together.“
They should if asked to. Children have a right to privacy.

PerfectPeony2 · 27/06/2019 09:56

bleh @PerfectPeony2 I find those sorts of comments very skin-crawly. He probs just didn't know what to say, but... how about just say nothing

Yep haha! I think my parenting has just been one big example of what not to do. So at least I will (hopefully) handle it better when the time comes!

Absofrigginlootly · 27/06/2019 09:58

If my Dd asks me not to tell DH when she starts her periods I would 100% respect her right to have autonomy over her own body/privacy/boundaries.

My relationship with my Dd is separate from my relationship with DH.

Just because you are a parent does not mean you are automatically entitled to know every tiny little thing about your child if they do not want you to know.

At that age periods can be excruciating embarrassing and the thought of your dad knowing can be “OMG kill me now” territory.

Like Straffe I always felt like my DM betrayed my trust when she told DF things I had specifically told only her in confidence. It just meant that I stopped trusting her and sharing things with her.

Not a great way to start the teenage years with your daughter Hmm

Absofrigginlootly · 27/06/2019 09:59

Also, DH would understand and be fine with this because he’s not a controlling dick

Ilovemylabrador · 27/06/2019 09:59

I’d respect it - absolutely.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/06/2019 09:59

Women have periods. It's natural to be a bit embarrassed when you first start them, but I agree with everyone else that you risk giving it a 'taboo/shame' status by keeping it secret.

Purpleseastars · 27/06/2019 10:03

I totally get about privacy but when you are all living together and sharing a bathroom both parents really need to know. I’d hate for my dd to feel rushed when changing herself. Also she’s only recently started her periods and she’s so heavy, I went in there after her and there was blood all over the toilet seat and floor. DH would have been scared to death if he had seen that and not known she had her period.

Luckily we are a very open family and dd1 tells DH everything.