Not telling dp about dd's periods

[Loveatthefiveanddime]

Not happened yet, this is hypothetical. It comes from a conversation with a male colleague at work, (for the record he is 29, childless, and very right-on).
He was saying that if his partner did not tell him when their imaginary future daughter started her periods, he would be gutted.
I argued that if a child has specifically requested that you 'don't tell dad' then you shouldn't as it is her body and her privacy?

In my case, I could imagine very well my dd saying that and actually I don't think it would be a huge deal for my partner as he would respect her privacy, but I am thinking it through now a it is probably quite imminent.

But AIBU? The male colleague was horrified, and said that a mum and dad should be absolutely united on everything and that means absolutely no secrets whatsoever.

Do you feel the same way about right in schools doing away with sex-based segregated toilets. Teenage girls can share with teenage boys right? They don’t need privacy when it comes to periods do they?

That’s a ridiculous straw man. A girl has every right to privacy about her periods. There are, however, situations where keeping secrets from the father isn’t appropriate.

My dd started 6 months ago, she asked me not to tell dh so I told her I wouldn't, buy actually felt her should know so I told him hut told him not to mention it To her until she reps me to tell him or she tells
Him herself. Wow hope that makes sense

Another Question for those saying “periods are no big deal teenage girls should be just totally ok about it. There’s no problem with their DF being told even when they have specifically asked you not to.”

Do you feel the same way about right in schools doing away with sex-based segregated toilets. Teenage girls can share with teenage boys right? They don’t need privacy when it comes to periods do they?

hahahhahaha i KNEW this had to be a trans thing! It always is! Everyone was so insistent that she was right not to tell her father. Not that she shouldn't have to but that she should feel the need to hide her period from her parent in her own house. Made no fucking sense.

I knew it was an undercover trans thing. Amazing. Never fail, mumsnet.

I'd tell my dh, but also tell him not to mention anything to her as she's asked me not to tell him. At least it'll avoid any bathroom incidents and he could avoid/supply her with chocolate

And I want my children to know that they can confide in one or other of their parents and know it will go no further. They have that right.

It isn’t an absolute right, because children don’t always have the capacity to make decisions in their best interests, and part of parenting is knowing when to override their preferences because those preferences are actually harmful.

Age is definitely a factor - the older and more independent a child is, the more autonomy they should have over who gets told what. But a parent shouldn’t facilitate a young child making a decision which could be harmful to them simply because the child wants it.

I believe it is harmful to perpetuate the message that periods are shameful and secret, and I think it’s harmful not to tell a parent that their child is going through something which will significantly affect their physical and emotional wellbeing, and which may (and likely will) result in either parent having to assist them at some point.

Wait I am supposed to argue against that ridiculous straw man, aren't I! I guess some trans activist probably said "you have gender neutral bathrooms in your own home" so now you've decided to champion gender segregated home toilets.

Would it be easier to just explain why home toilets and public toilets aren't the same? And why random stranger and parent aren't in the same relationship with the DD? No, best argue that it's completely normal and societally desirable that teen girls feel so ashamed of their periods that they don't even feel their fathers should be told.

why don't we just go the whole hog and erect period tents in the garden?

I can’t keep up with this thread now as my kids need me and tbh it’s giving me the rage/quite triggering

I will just say this though, my parents took the view that I was an extension of themselves. I was not treated as an autonomous individual with my own right to privacy and thoughts and ideas hat differed from theirs. My DF even said to me in regards to my bedroom being my own space “ultimately as a man I need access to every room in the house for maintenance purposes”

My DM constantly betrayed my confidences because to her it was no big deal what I told her.

It was emotionally abusive and affected my mental health for a very long time.

We are not close as adults and have a very surface superficial relationship. They know nothing about the inner parts of my life.

Proceed with this knowledge if you decide that you know best and can disregard your daughters request for privacy about her own body

And I would think an equivalent boy-relevant example would be for a boy to say to his father he thinks he's gay, but don't tell Mum.

Does being gay necessitate specific frequent grocery purchases? Or specific laundry requirements? Totally different?

Also, I didn’t bring up the school toilets as a trans thing. I didn’t mean it in any way related to trans student.

I just meant as far as I was concerned it’s an extension of the same thing. Telling young girls that their right to privacy about heir own bodies doesn’t matter whether at home, school or wherever

I don’t think it makes you woke or feminist or right on to effectively force your daughter to be cool with periods if she isn’t. It’s the exact opposite as far as I’m concerned

It was emotionally abusive and affected my mental health for a very long time.

Your parents do sound emotionally abusive and I’m so sorry you went through that. There are multiple red flags in your post for their behaviour

It is very, very different to a non-abusive parent telling their partner that their child has started their periods and that parent respecting the child’s privacy without it being a secret, however.

I must say I'm wondering how those of us who wouldn't have dreamt of our dads officially knowing we'd started our periods coped, but yet somehow we did, and I don't ever remember it being an issue that my dad didn't 'know'. Baffling.

*@Absofrigginlootly
I can’t keep up with this thread now as my kids need me and tbh it’s giving me the rage/quite triggering

I will just say this though, my parents took the view that I was an extension of themselves.

Yeah but the solution isn't to go to the opposite extreme.

My parents never thought I was an extension of themselves but they did still try to teach and guide and help me. Because that's what parenting is. It's not wrong for parents to try and support their children or even to try and expose them to knowledge and experiences to change their mind.

Because of your abusive childhood you probably overvalue secrecy and control. The best thing to do is not to over encourage a dependence on secrecy and control based on shame but to encourage healthy boundaries and healthy self esteem.

@bertrandrussell

You say Secrecy and privacy are two different things which is true enough, but the two examples you gave are secrecy.

“Don’t tell your dad” =secrecy
“Don’t tell my dad” = secrecy

Privacy is to do with respecting boundaries, which for a child are set by the parent, for an adult are set by the adult.

Not telling someone something is a secret.

It is an important distinction.

OP if your dc didn't want to tell her father then I'd probably try to explore why. Periods are a normal bodily function for women and it is healthy for men and women to understand each other's bodies, isn't it? And as someone has said up thread, periods are often accompanied by hormone changes and it is not a bad idea for everyone in the household to understand what that means for the girl/woman in question.

I'm not sure I agree with your analysis there tosh. I think a girl starting her periods is allowed to set her own boundaries as to who knows about her bodily functions, and she is entitled to her privacy on this point. I don't agree that asking mum to not tell dad is a secret.

I don't think it;s a secret because there's no actual reason for dad, or, in fact, anyone, know that she's started her periods, a girl, especially a girl who's been well primed by her parents, may well prefer to crack on by herself.

(I keep hearing the words 'a girl' said in Jaqen H'ghar's voice, it's very annoying).

Privacy is to do with respecting boundaries, which for a child are set by the parent
How horrid. My children gain autonomy over such things as soon as they can.

My daughter didn't tell me for a while, I'd already talked to her about the likelihood of it happening soon, bought pads and shown her how to use them. She asked me not to tell her dad, I respected that. She told him a week later, he wasn't upset he just hugged her and said we should all go out and celebrate, she laughed and said "See, that's why I didn't want to tell dad". But she enjoyed her meal and she was happier once she'd told both of us.

He made a comment like ‘proper woman now aren’t you’
I got this from my dad. He came into my bedroom and said it the evening after my mum told him. Stood staring at me. Creep.

I suspect he would soon change his view if he actually had a child. Just like many do about their child not having a dummy etc etc. It's all good and well saying what you would do but until you are there you have no idea what you would do and how you will feel.

If a young person asks that you don't tell about their persons then you don't tell. However it would be much better to get to the stage where by the time they do they are comfortable enough to realise it's nothing to hide.

Boundary setting depends on age of the child maybe? What about a child of ten who starts menstruation?

If my DD specifically told me she didn't want dad to know about her periods, I'd be very worried. Either about her relationship with him or how I had presented periods, a normal bodily function, to her.

As a mother, I make a point of making my own periods a normal thing and while certain aspects are private, of course, I don't make it into a secrecy thing.

So, I don't think parents (father or mother) are entitled to know, but I do think both parents should be aware, yes, as part of a healthy family.

@Absofrigginlootly I posted before reading what you wrote - I will just say this though, my parents took the view that I was an extension of themselves. I was not treated as an autonomous individual with my own right to privacy and thoughts and ideas hat differed from theirs. My DF even said to me in regards to my bedroom being my own space “ultimately as a man I need access to every room in the house for maintenance purposes” my parents were similar and I also have very little contact, and I wouldn't suggest riding roughshod over someone's wishes, more exploring them and why. I still think that in order to parent, the parents need to know what is going on with the child, and this can be done while without riding roughshod over privacy. I would also be happier to think that I'd brought up dc of both sexes to be ok or "cool" with periods.

I don’t think it makes you woke or feminist or right on to effectively force your daughter to be cool with periods if she isn’t. It’s the exact opposite as far as I’m concerned

Again this is confusing. It's not cool to try and "effectively force" your daughter to be cool with periods if she isn't?

What does this mean?

Tie her to a chair and scream at her to be cool with periods?
Break confidence and tell everyone about her period against her wishes? I agree, bad.

Try to influence her beliefs and opinions - damn fucking straight, I'm doing it. I've got some horrible news to tell you: I've spent my entire life trying to "effectively force" my kids to respect their own bodies. I taught my daughter about periods, her body and body autonomy all the time. I am trying to indoctrinate her... into respecting her own body. I am trying to influence her... into being proud of who she is.

It's called parenting!

I don't harass or coerce her but I don't just give up on having a relationship with or influencing, helping or supporting her. I don't give up on trying to expose her to differing viewpoints and challenge ones I think are wrong.

I'm not just going to step out of parenting and stop bothering.

I'm not just going to say "oh you're ashamed of your period. great, that's awesome. have a great time with that."

Although this discussion is drifting somewhat, family members will 'know' if a girl/young woman is having her period and can observe behaviour and can count. So whether it is increased chocolate consumption every 4 weeks or whatever the 'secret' is out.
I am nowhere suggesting it is a 'right' that anyone else should know but a loving family member who is aware of the 'almost' inevitable can make life just a touch smoother.

How horrid. My children gain autonomy over such things as soon as they can.

Do you think a ten year old has sufficient autonomy to have complete control over what her parents do and don’t know about her? What if she tells you that a teacher at school touched her leg but she doesn’t want her dad to know? What if she’s suffering from powerful social anxiety but wants it kept secret? What if she’s ill and says you can’t tell her dad? Is a ten year old old enough to make these decisions and simply live with the consequences? Or is it the job of a loving parent to protect a child from decisions which could cause them harm, rather than let them endure that harm because it was their ‘choice’ to do so.

I don’t actually disagree with your fundamental point that children gain autonomy as they grow. I just think too many people in this thread are abdicating responsibility for the important parental role of helping their children develop safe boundaries, and protecting them from choosing harm because they don’t know any better.

Telling your child you won’t keep a secret they have asked you to isn’t an easy decision, but you can’t avoid it by simply pretending that a child has absolute rights to secrecy even when that secrecy is harmful to them.