Not telling dp about dd's periods

[Loveatthefiveanddime]

Not happened yet, this is hypothetical. It comes from a conversation with a male colleague at work, (for the record he is 29, childless, and very right-on).
He was saying that if his partner did not tell him when their imaginary future daughter started her periods, he would be gutted.
I argued that if a child has specifically requested that you 'don't tell dad' then you shouldn't as it is her body and her privacy?

In my case, I could imagine very well my dd saying that and actually I don't think it would be a huge deal for my partner as he would respect her privacy, but I am thinking it through now a it is probably quite imminent.

But AIBU? The male colleague was horrified, and said that a mum and dad should be absolutely united on everything and that means absolutely no secrets whatsoever.

(When I say blood clots, I mean the sight of them, not DVT)

I also think there is some confusion on this thread between privacy and secrecy. Everyone is entitled to privacy, and that means you shouldn’t be intensively questioned or forced to share details of your life etc. But that’s different to keeping a secret about something.

Imagine as an adult you were seeing your doctor for a check up. They ask if you’re sexually active and, if so, if you’re having unprotected sex. You’re entitled to privacy which means they aren’t allowed to ask intrusive questions about your sexual habits, or details of your sex life. That’s clearly different from keeping the fact that you’re sexually active a secret from them, because that’s information they need to know to help you.

I think that would be a helpful distinction for OP’s daughter. Something like ‘I think I should tell your dad because one day you might need his help with something to do with your period and it will be better if he knows, but I promise he already knows about periods and isn’t embarrassed about them, and he won’t talk to you about it unless you ask him to. He will respect your privacy, but it doesn’t have to be a secret.’

It would be hard to keep it a complete secret anyway as there will be more products in the bins and possibly stained underwear and sheets on occasion. Plus extra sanitary products on the shopping list and in the house. I told my husband when each of my daughters first began their periods but I don't mention each time they're on. My eldest DD is a bit private and shy, but the younger one is quite open and will mention if she's got back or tummy ache and has no qualms about openly carrying clean pads around when she's heading to the shower. We don't treat it as taboo in our house so everyone is comfortable about the subject.

People are confusing privacy and secrecy in a BIG way!

I can't recall mentioning it to dh. I'd be as unlikely to mention it as to discuss her sexuality. Why, unless a single parent, would a man be devastated not to know that his daughter was menstruating ? Really it doesn't need two adults to be discussing anything so personal. It sounds to me as if it would be almost impossible for this creepy guy to empathise with a teenage girl.
Girls are normally just coming to terms with all sorts of body changes and changes in emotions.

I also think it’s not about ‘a man’s right to know’ coming top trumps. It’s because it’s manifestly in the girl’s best interests for both of her parents to know that she’s now experiencing something which, for many girls and women, is painful and emotionally taxing and at times inconvenient. If she were 17 when she started it might be different because she’s old enough to have much more independence, but some girls start their periods as young as 10 and it’s far better for them if both of their parents are equipped to help them if necessary.

*VivienneHolt

Brilliant posts.

@VivienneHolt your posts on this topic are brilliant and sum up my feelings perfectly.

Thanks both!

OP - first wet dream? I can imagine a lot of boys wouldn't fancy discussing that with their mum. Ask your colleague if you think a boy's wishes for his dad not to tell his mum should be respected. I bet you anything you like it'll 'not be the same thing'.

Your colleague sounds like the kind of tiresome dude who has to centre himself in everything. I can just imagine him in the post natal ward, bossing his DP about as she struggles with latch or something, and the midwives all rolling their eyes and wishing he'd fuck off and leave the women to sort it out.

DD has told me a couple of things that she has asked me not to mention to DH - they're big things to her but wouldn't be to us (I can't actually remember what any of them were) but he doesn't need to know and I respect her wishes. I'm an adult and I know if a situation requires me to override her.

People are also assuming that men are completely stupid. There is a big difference from a dad drawing inferences and actively telling him.

The first thing this young man needs to learn about parenting is that as soon as the children come along, he will take second place. And rightly so.
So, no, a mother should not betray a confidence once promised.

And I want my children to know that they can confide in one or other of their parents and know it will go no further. They have that right.

What sort of 1950s households do some of you guys live in?

My husband would know as he does the grocery shopping. He does at least half the laundry (accidents are pretty common in the early years) and surely he'd see them when he cleaned the bathroom or went into the cupboards unless she kept them in her room and individually snuck them into the bathroom when needed.

Many girls will have period pain bad enough to interfere occasionally with school - a dad would be as much as involved in this as a mum surely.

I'm all for privacy whether possible but i don't understand how that would work in reality.

@bertrandrussell - agreed.

My dad was, obviously as I explained, fully aware that I had started my period because I told him, because I panicked and he was the only person at home. So there wasn't any secrecy. I may or may not have told him or told him via mum if she'd been the one at home when I started - I wasn't in that situation so I don't know.

But neither he nor my mum would have dreamt of telling other people. I don't think even my younger sisters knew. I certainly didn't know when my two younger sisters started. Not my business, there was shared sanipro in the bathroom and that was that.

Not because periods are shameful but because - like doing a poo or a wee or having a wet dream or an erection if you're a boy, they are natural bodily functions and we don't tell everyone every time we do a wee! So I can't imagine a situation where my parents would tell anyone we had begun our periods, apart from a medical person in certain circumstances.

Nor would they come into our rooms without knocking - even from an early age - because they were training us to have the same courtesy for their privacy. So there wasn't a need to explain why we needed shut doors for changing sanipro - it wasn't considered the right thing to do from an early age to just barge into someone's room without knocking and waiting first. We do the same with DS now. His room, or the bathroom, his privacy.

And I want my children to know that they can confide in one or other of their parents and know it will go no further. They have that right

They absolutely do. They should also know that sometimes it isn't always possible to maintain a confidence in some scenarios.

Children do have a right to privacy but it very much depends on the household, we both empty bins, order shopping, put shopping away, clean up, put washing on, he's going to know and it isn't appropriate for him to find out by finding stained knickers and not knowing if he needs to deal with it. I think I'd simply say "your dad is going to know because he will see the extra..." shopping, washing, needs to allow you extra time in the bathroom, however I'll tell him later when you aren't around and I'll ask him not to mention it if you'd rather he didn't. But dad knows all about these things because he's seen me deal with it so there's nothing to feel awkward about. Is that ok with you?

With regard to my anecdote about the special supper, my parents asked me if I was OK with the idea. They didn't just spring it on me. And DF was a GP/obstetrician so we were always discussing medical matters over meals.

Age is a huge factor to practicalities I guess. My dd is well into secondary school. She changes her own sheets and we have a cleaner who empties the bathroom bins. She has her own money in the event of an emergency.
I was a late starter too and didn't tell anyone, I just went and bought some tampons and got on with it.

I think it's the guy in the OP's attitude that has pissed me off. Of course a dad would know about his daughter starting her periods but if my daughter told me something in private and asked me to specifically not tell her father, of course I'd respect her privacy.

For some men it's all about the men.

My DD 'let me know' when her nappy needed changing so obviously I did.
A decade later when her periods started, although be basic mechanics were 'sorted out' between her and mother the 'subtleties' of chocolate, a hot water bottle and some sympathy were organised in a low key way.

{I think that would be a helpful distinction for OP’s daughter. Something like ‘I think I should tell your dad because one day you might need his help with something to do with your period and it will be better if he knows, but I promise he already knows about periods and isn’t embarrassed about them, and he won’t talk to you about it unless you ask him to. He will respect your privacy, but it doesn’t have to be a secret.’}
^ the best advice^

People keep saying that "you have to respect your DD's preferences". Okay let's respect them but that doesn't mean they are correct or shouldn't be challenged in other ways. I would challenge period shame now because it's important that girls grow up and see this as normal and not embarrassing.

And it's not the same as masturbation/wet dreams because most teenage boys don't talk about masturbation with either parent or probably most other people. in this situation the girl will probably tell her female friends proudly but doesn't want the male parent to know because it's considered embarrassing to men. It's a gendered embarrassment. She's embarrassed because he's a man and she's absorbed the idea that women's bodies are shameful.

We have a rule about good secrets and bad secrets. Good secrets are those that you will eventually tell someone, but for now there is a reason not to - birthday presents, santa etc. Bad secrets are those you are asked to "never tell"... don't tell mum I gave you chocolate pudding when she said not to. Don't tell your parents that Mr Smith calls in when you are here....

To me, asking not to tell DH would cross into the bad secret territory - keeping something would feel like a deception.

I would say I can't be asked to keep that kind of secret from your father. I understand you might be embarrassed because this is new, but Dad won't be chatting to you about it unless you bring it up, but it's important he knows. It's nothing to be embarrassed by, but I can understand it's also private and not something you want to discuss with everyone at this time.

Another Question for those saying “periods are no big deal teenage girls should be just totally ok about it. There’s no problem with their DF being told even when they have specifically asked you not to.”

Do you feel the same way about right in schools doing away with sex-based segregated toilets. Teenage girls can share with teenage boys right? They don’t need privacy when it comes to periods do they?

And I would think an equivalent boy-relevant example would be for a boy to say to his father he thinks he's gay, but don't tell Mum.