Not telling dp about dd's periods

[Loveatthefiveanddime]

Not happened yet, this is hypothetical. It comes from a conversation with a male colleague at work, (for the record he is 29, childless, and very right-on).
He was saying that if his partner did not tell him when their imaginary future daughter started her periods, he would be gutted.
I argued that if a child has specifically requested that you 'don't tell dad' then you shouldn't as it is her body and her privacy?

In my case, I could imagine very well my dd saying that and actually I don't think it would be a huge deal for my partner as he would respect her privacy, but I am thinking it through now a it is probably quite imminent.

But AIBU? The male colleague was horrified, and said that a mum and dad should be absolutely united on everything and that means absolutely no secrets whatsoever.

It’s not keeping a secret for “no reason”

The reason is that the girl doesn’t want her dad to know.

You can bring your children up to be close to you, open and honest and have loving relationships etc but they are still going to have different ideas to you.

Even without my upbringing I would still have wanted this to be kept private because I am a naturally private person. My Dd who is 4 is exactly the same. I see so much of her in me when I was a child. She’s naturally very sensitive. My DS although admittedly only 10 months old seems sooo much more chilled and laid back than DD.

You might think you have an open family and it’s no big deal but I just don’t think this is an occasion when you get to decide for somebody else what they are comfortable sharing with their DF when it comes to their own body. And I genuinely believe that’s age appropriate and nothing to do with body or period shaming, some people are just more private.

Yes, tosh is 100% framing confidentiality and privacy as secrecy. It's a very deliberately chosen word to ensure that everyone knows that this is Bad and Wrong, and thus any parent who respects their daughter's request is also Bad and Wrong.

There's a big difference between telling the dad behind the girl's back, or despite her request, and advising her that it's best that dad knows too, that he will find out anyway (and no reason to hide it from him).

It's not a matter of ownership, but of responsibility. Any alert father would want to know at some point, if nothing else because a girl without periods until quite late could have health issues. And children's health is not solely a mother's responsibility.

It excludes, obviously, instances where dads can't be trusted enough.

It's a very deliberately chosen word to ensure that everyone knows that this is Bad and Wrong, and thus any parent who respects their daughter's request is also Bad and Wrong

I don’t believe that for a minute. I believe EVERY family should do what works for them.

There is a very clear undertone here though that if you deviate from what certain posters suggest is the Correct Way to Parent you are (to use your words) Bad and Wrong.

@Absofuckinlutely I think that from what you have said, there were reasons why you didn't want your father to know, why you were a private person. As I said upthread, the "ideal" works only really where you have emotionally literate parents. And I get that you didn't - I didn't either, so I understand what you are saying. But in your normal average family, if a child wanted to keep things secret from a parent, then that would be something worthy of further exploration. Otherwise you are missing an important opportunity for connecting with your child and teaching them things. You can't just say - oh, they are private - so we won't talk about it. I haven't said ride roughshod over the child's feelings, I have said explore and talk about it.

I think you are being genuine about this, and I think it wouldn't hurt to read through the parts of the thread you missed. You are right - there is a middle ground. I don't think that @BertrandRussell's posts are particularly genuine, so it is hard to have a proper discussion.

“I don't think that @BertrandRussell's posts are particularly genuine, so it is hard to have a proper discussion.”

Would you care to elaborate on that somewhat offensive suggestion?

“Did you miss the perfectly reasonable suggestions of instances where telling the father is desirable? Or are you just choosing to ignore them?”

No. I just thought they were daft.

Yes, tosh is 100% framing confidentiality and privacy as secrecy. It's a very deliberately chosen word to ensure that everyone knows that this is Bad and Wrong, and thus any parent who respects their daughter's request is also Bad and Wrong No, I have said that a young child is only just starting to form emotional intelligence which is the bedrock for understanding one's own boundaries, in relation to confidentiality and privacy and everything else - asking "please keep it secret" would be to do with immaturity or other concerns - and if you just went along with it without talking it could become damaging and unhealthy. Talking about it is an opportunity to help your dc fathom out what they feel and why, though some guidance is going to be needed.

No. I just thought they were daft

Ah you haven’t deviated from type at all. Reassuring that you’re still the same old, same old.

@BertrandRussell Would you care to elaborate on that somewhat offensive suggestion? You have accused others of contorting things in their posts - no one else has contorted things, they just have a different point of view from you. Why not ask genuine questions instead instead of dismissing other people's views as, seemingly, stupid and pointless?

because a girl without periods until quite late could have health issues.
I was sixteen, and healthy as a horse.

I think that from what you have said, there were reasons why you didn't want your father to know, why you were a private person. As I said upthread, the "ideal" works only really where you have emotionally literate parents.
and you're the one who decides what constitutes emotionally literate parents - the ones who agree with you

“You have accused others of contorting things in their posts ”

No I haven’t. I said that people have had to go through contortions to find reasons why it’s essential that a girl’s father is told as soon as she starts her periods despite her wishes. The unconscious in hospital was the most egregious example.

@juells what constitutes emotional literacy is not particularly subjective.

I said that people have had to go through contortions to find reasons why it’s essential that a girl’s father is told as soon as she starts her periods despite her wishes. The unconscious in hospital was the most egregious example.

No you didn't say that. And now you have said it, it doesn't come across as particularly genuine to me. Am I wrong?

toshfromtoshland
you're very patronising to people who have a different outlook to you. Allowing children - particularly girl children - to make decisions about their own boundaries and their right to privacy does not illustrate a lack of 'emotional literacy' anywhere but in your head.

I think this is an incredibly important issue. I think that teaching girls that they have age approprate bodily autonomy, that they can decide for themselves as far as possible what they tell other people about themselves, and that they will be listened to and taken seriously, is one of the most important things about raising girls. And I think that if a child asks us to keep a non damaging confidence, then we damn well keep it.

And now you have said it, it doesn't come across as particularly genuine to me.

Why do you keep on accusing BR of not being genuine, any more than anyone else on this thread? I don't get it.

“No you didn't say that. And now you have said it, it doesn't come across as particularly genuine to me. Am I wrong?”

Actually, I did say that. You may have misunderstood me- for which I am sorry, it must mean I was unclear.

And damn right i’m genuine. You think i’m trolling then go right ahead and report me.

And the only people lacking in “emotional literacy” are the ones who seem incapable of understanding why a girl may want privacy while she comes to terms with managing her periods.

There's some very controlling stuff going on here

@juells and @bertrandrussell I think what you have said, genuinely, is immature and bonkers - sorry - so I guess we have to agree to disagree and I am going to leave it there for the time being.

Why do you keep on accusing BR of not being genuine, any more than anyone else on this thread? I don't get it Judging her by her posts alone!

The girl who has started her period should be the one who decides who 'needs' to know or not. I can believe so many people would betray their daughters trust like that. Of course it's nothing to ashamed of but I certainly don't tell people I'm
Interacting with that I'm on my period to explain a bad mood or discomfort!
If your daughter asks you not to tell you should respect her wishes not go blabbing anyway.

because a girl without periods until quite late could have health issues.
I was sixteen, and healthy as a horse.

16 is not quite late.
But, as a mother, if my DD went much past 16 without a period, I'd worry and advise her to seek a doctor. I don't see why a father should't have similar concerns.
I think it's perfectly natural and desirable for both parents to be aware of significant events in their children's lives.
And I do think a girl not wanting her dad to know (other than not tell him directly, or wait a few days) is far from ideal.

No. I just thought they were daft.

DD was bright enough at 12 to realise he needed to know when i explained. Shame not every one is.