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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not telling dp about dd's periods

437 replies

Loveatthefiveanddime · 27/06/2019 09:19

Not happened yet, this is hypothetical. It comes from a conversation with a male colleague at work, (for the record he is 29, childless, and very right-on).
He was saying that if his partner did not tell him when their imaginary future daughter started her periods, he would be gutted.
I argued that if a child has specifically requested that you 'don't tell dad' then you shouldn't as it is her body and her privacy?

In my case, I could imagine very well my dd saying that and actually I don't think it would be a huge deal for my partner as he would respect her privacy, but I am thinking it through now a it is probably quite imminent.

But AIBU? The male colleague was horrified, and said that a mum and dad should be absolutely united on everything and that means absolutely no secrets whatsoever.

OP posts:
WhyTho · 27/06/2019 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 27/06/2019 10:04

I wouldn’t dream of telling ANYONE about when someone else was menstruating. Especially if they’ve asked me not to. How weirdly intrusive.

WhyTho · 27/06/2019 10:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 27/06/2019 10:04

I find this very very odd. Periods are a normal bodily function. They are not something to be hidden or ashamed of. Nor should they be made into some big deal. Why shouldn't her father know, why would she wish to hide it like it's something taboo, dirty, a big secret.it should be dealt with matter of factly, like any other bodily function.

BonitaBonita · 27/06/2019 10:04

He sounds very odd OP. Why was he asking about teenage girls periods? I encouraged DD to be open and speak about periods as she would anything else because men have to get used to the idea! She wasn't embarrassed.

BertrandRussell · 27/06/2019 10:06

“DH would have been scared to death if he had seen that and not known she had her period”
He shares a house with at least two female people of menstruating age and would be scared to death by the sight of blood in the loo? Seriously??

BigfanofCheese · 27/06/2019 10:07

My DM told everyone she could think of when I started at 11 and I was absolutely mortified, despite asking her to keep it quiet. My DF doesn't really do emotions and as soon as I got in from school he started nagging me to have a bath as though I was dirty (I wasn't blood stained or anything). My mother also threw a box of sanitary towels into the living room.and started shouting 'look what she's left there'. Fucking humiliating.

I'm not sure it should be kept a secret from a child's dad (in case she is feeling off- colour) but he should be discreet and not raise it without good reason.

headinhands · 27/06/2019 10:07

Yeah I don't get why a dd wouldn't want her dad knowing in 2019?

I remember my Nan telling me about periods and signalling to me to be quiet when my granddad walked in and realising there was some taboo about it and just not getting it and thinking wtaf.

magneticmumbles · 27/06/2019 10:07

I probably would tell DH, but I would make it absolutely clear that he never makes it known that he knows.

Juells · 27/06/2019 10:11

Creepy fuck

Absofrigginlootly · 27/06/2019 10:11

All of you saying there’s no need to be ashamed and embarrassed so why should your DD feel like that and you would tell DH anyway

What you are basically saying to your Dd is that she has no right to her own feelings that do not match yours and you will betray her confidence if you decide you are right

My DM had the same attitude to me growing up. Constantly invalidated my feelings because they weren’t hers and ride roughshod over me constantly.

We are not close now

bellinisurge · 27/06/2019 10:11

My dd has just started. She's also using reusables - rather awesome, I would say.
She discusses it all with me. Dad is aware. She doesn't want me talking about it with him but she also doesn't really want me talking about it with her extremely cool nana.Not in a "don't tell Dad" sort of way. It's just how we do things in our house. I respect her privacy and encourage her to learn to manage things herself but with me to talk to. She knows she can talk to the other adults in her life about it but she chooses not to. She's 12.

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 27/06/2019 10:12

What's odd about a potential father thinking about this and talking about this - perfectly normal.
But then, there are threads on here about protecting boys from emptying bins that potentially might contain used sanpro, so there is no saying what people / women might find creepy and wierd.

Imaysnapandfart · 27/06/2019 10:12

I would absolutely respect my DD's privacy if she 100% didn't want me to tell her dad - BUT I would probably talk it through with her to ask why she didn't want him to know. As we aren't together, I would prefer him to be aware.

Although I can't imagine her not wanting him to know, we're all pretty open about things like that.

Absofrigginlootly · 27/06/2019 10:12

And I do not share anything about my life with her that isn’t very very “surface” news

MyCatHatesEverybody · 27/06/2019 10:13

Who said the colleague asked OP about anything? Presumably the conversation came up whilst they were just chit chatting - does that make OP odd as well?

Juells · 27/06/2019 10:13

...is he going to insist on hourly bulletins about her bowel movements too? Will he want to know when her first pubic hair emerges? It's about control. No aspect of the controlled's lives can be private.

OldAndWornOut · 27/06/2019 10:14

Equally I don't understand why the whole family need to know.

Purpleseastars · 27/06/2019 10:15

BertrandRussell. Well I was bloody scared and I knew it was her period!

It was on the seat and running down the loo to the floor. It’s only her 3rd one and she was dizzy and didn’t realise what a mess she made and had gone to lay down.

BertrandRussell · 27/06/2019 10:16

“Yeah I don't get why a dd wouldn't want her dad knowing in 2019? ”

Doesn’t matter if you get it or not. Her choice. Not up to you.

missbattenburg · 27/06/2019 10:18

*All of you saying there’s no need to be ashamed and embarrassed so why should your DD feel like that and you would tell DH anyway

What you are basically saying to your Dd is that she has no right to her own feelings that do not match yours and you will betray her confidence if you decide you are right*

I agree with this. Just because you hope your daughter feels comfortable enough to tell her father does not mean it's ok to overule her and tell him when she doesn't want you to.

By all means tell her he would love to know and would be very understanding but don't go over her head. That's unfair (imo).

Tallgreenbottle · 27/06/2019 10:19

Think you need to be more concerned with why your daughter would be embarrassed or ashamed to talk to her Dad about it.

It's a normal bodily function and you by letting her think otherwise would just be fueling the problem of society treating it like a dirty little secret.

Feelingwalkedover · 27/06/2019 10:19

I think you’ve a weirdo there op ,trying to get you to discuss your daughters development..
Steer well clear

Juells · 27/06/2019 10:20

Doesn’t matter if you get it or not. Her choice. Not up to you.

Yup. To me it feels like everyone has to have ownership of women's bodies, and have the right to know every detail. What about boys? Is it announced every time they have a wet dream? Is that family news?

JacquesHammer · 27/06/2019 10:21

I'm really glad DD didn't want me not to tell her father as I had no option and would hate to have betrayed her trust.

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