Not telling dp about dd's periods

[Loveatthefiveanddime]

Not happened yet, this is hypothetical. It comes from a conversation with a male colleague at work, (for the record he is 29, childless, and very right-on).
He was saying that if his partner did not tell him when their imaginary future daughter started her periods, he would be gutted.
I argued that if a child has specifically requested that you 'don't tell dad' then you shouldn't as it is her body and her privacy?

In my case, I could imagine very well my dd saying that and actually I don't think it would be a huge deal for my partner as he would respect her privacy, but I am thinking it through now a it is probably quite imminent.

But AIBU? The male colleague was horrified, and said that a mum and dad should be absolutely united on everything and that means absolutely no secrets whatsoever.

A family will have individuals with their own thoughts and feelings in it.
Its not just a lump of humans who all feel the same about everything, surely?

“To me it feels like everyone has to have ownership of women's bodies”

Yup, this.

Equally I don't understand why the whole family need to know

I would probably tell DS, who is younger than DD (again, with DD's permission), just in case he finds something sanitary-related in the bathroom. And also, to bring him up to know about these things so that when he's older, and if he has a girlfriend, he'll be able to deal with it sensitively and appropriately.

when my now 19 year old was 11, she went to Canada for a month with her great grandfather, visiting loads of relatives that she might not ever have gotten to meet otherwise, we had a big discussion about what to do if she gets her period, gave her enough pads to use if she does etc... the first thing she did when her great grandfather came to get her, was to let him know its ok if she gets her period he wont need to panic as shes got lots of these, and proceeded to show him all the period kits contents, he being old school went a bit red and stuttered a bit, she was fine with it, as we have always been "its normal, no big deal" about periods at home... so your daughters might surprise you, becaise, its normal, its natural and it is NO BIG DEAL

Nothing like telling an 11 year old girl that an adult man’s need to know is more important than her desire for privacy.

I can't imagine a family in which periods had to be hidden from a girl's dad. Or her brothers. It's a normal bodily function, FFS. And how are her male relatives to know when she's feeling rotten or bloody minded because of her cycle if they don't even know she's got a cycle?

When I got my first period DM made a special supper and DF made a short speech to my DBs about how I'd reached a milestone and so on. It made me feel special and that starting my periods was something to celebrate.

I hated my periods at first. I cried myself to sleep many a time. But my DPs little ceremony was a big help.

By all means tell her he would love to know

You see, this is what I don't get. Why on earth would he 'love to know'? Why is it his business? WTF? Are we entertainment?

My pads and pantyliners sit in the open behind the bathroom next to the extra toilet roll even now I’m pregnant so guests can easily take one if needed. If sanitary products, and periods are handled in an open and unapologetic way across a family then there’s no reason why your dd would want to hide them from male members of the family.

My dad was actually the only person in the house when I started my period. So I just automatically turned to him. Even though my mum had gone over how to use sanitary towels periodically for months beforehand as I was getting older. She'd got me a pack and I'd had it ready in my room for a long time.

But I still felt a bit 'oh my goodness - what do I do?' So I just came out of the loo and told my dad. He just asked me where the sanitary towels were, asked if I remembered what to do, told me to pop my soiled knickers in a bucket so he could put them into soak and made me a cuppa! That was it. He didn't make a song and dance about it, dealt with it as exactly what it was - a normal, natural event. He told mum when she got home. That was the last time it was mentioned. From then on I just got on with it. He certainly didn't tease me - my mum would have been down his throat if he had. But he wasn't that sort of man.

My dad was lovely. I had a few bad months of period pains now and then. So bad that I'd sometimes be sent home from school as I would go hot and cold and almost pass out. He'd pop out and get me a Mars Bar (the chocolate always made me feel better) and did a hot water bottle. But then my mum had had very bad period pain when they were first married so he often got her sanipro, painkillers, hot water bottles to make her feel a bit better if she wanted anything if he was at home at the time. And they married back in the 1950s. My uncles, having 6 sisters, were also well used to nipping down to the chemist for sanipro and, during the war, having washed sanirags on the line when their sisters couldn't get sanipro. Just part of life!

I never had a problem with my dad knowing. He would look after us at bedtime/bathtime when we were toddlers as mum worked from 4pm - 9pm (couldn't afford childcare so they did split shift). That meant that, if we had itchy or sore areas on our bodies (all girls in our family) he'd have to check and deal with them or we'd 'suffer' until mum got home which would have been ridiculous. So it was always seen as tell mum or dad if there was a problem - didn't matter who it was, just whoever was around at the time.

I don't think it's a 'dad should' or 'dad shouldn't' be told issue. I think it's up to the girl herself. However, I think mums should mention that if dad is the only one at home when a period starts, he may be able to help so don't be worried about asking him. Plus if he knows she's started her periods he can help if she's come on her period and hasn't got enough sanipro and he's the only one around. Periods can be very erratic when they first start so the girl may well not be prepared for the second or subsequent ones if they come early.

Nothing like telling an 11 year old girl that an adult man’s need to know is more important than her desire for privacy

Who has said that? Sometimes there's really no option - and of course it has to be handled sensitively if the girl wishes to keep her periods private.

“And also, to bring him up to know about these things so that when he's older,“
So you would tell him about his sister’s periods because it’s a ^learning experience for him*? Duck that shit. Women are not in the world to educate men!

Mine told me not to tell DH (their dad). They found the whole thing mortifying even though I had never made any secret about this in regards to myself.

I didn’t tell but it was pretty obvious as they are pigs and left pad packaging lying around in the bathroom, overflowing toilet bins etc. So while never openly discussed with DH or DS it was obvious to all and sundry, was not my doing or my problem.

Nothing like telling an 11 year old girl that an adult man’s need to know is more important than her desire for privacy

^this

Who has said that? err - the man in the OP?

“Fuck that shit” Not duck. Hate it when that happens!

as for what would I do - I would respect her request but suggest to her that it might be a good idea for him and why, but assure her that it's her choice and I certainly won't be telling him. He'll obviously know soon enough with the supermarket shop. I have no idea how he'd feel about it being kept a 'secret' from him, and I don't really care.

err - the man in the OP?

And pretty much everyone has said he is in the wrong.

It has to be acknowledged though there are situations where a father does need to know, and unfortunately that might be at the expense of the child. Not ideal, but happens.

I don't think he sounds strange to wonder about everything. I would always tell dh regardless of what dc said but ask him to be discrete. It's hard to hard anyway.

I think a parent has a right to know about medical matters regarding his children, yes. Tons of scenarios where a father would need to know. Rather odd to think that a father can't be trusted with information about his child and only women are capable of fully parenting their daughters.

When I got my first period DM made a special supper and DF made a short speech to my DBs about how I'd reached a milestone and so on. It made me feel special and that starting my periods was something to celebrate

You see teenage me would have died of embarrassment and vowed never to leave my bedroom again

And YY to the poster who said women’s bodies are not learning opportunities for boys and men. Why not teach them about periods anyway? Why use your DDs as an example?!

A mans wish to know does not trump a females RIGHT to privacy if that is what she wants

“And pretty much everyone has said he is in the wrong.”
No they haven’t. Most people have said that the girl should want to tell her dad, and she is wrong if she doesn’t want to. And some have said that they would tell him regardless. There might be circumstances where a dad would have to know- if a girl had a disability that meant. She needed help, for example. But for the vast majority of girls it should be entirely up to her. Entirely

I'd tell dh but ask him not to mention it.

I'd tell dd that he's probably going to notice at some point anyway and that if he does it's not a big deal as its something every woman goes through. That it shouldn't need to be a secret but we'll be discreet if she wants. That way I've not promised to keep it secret, but just to be discreet.

YABU-Given that the hypothetical DC might still be primary school age, an adult with parental responsibility should not be kept in the dark about what (in some circumstances) might turn out to be important information for medical purposes.

Also, something has gone badly wrong if a girl in that situation has already internalised the idea that periods are something shameful or embarrassing.

“Tons of scenarios where a father would need to know”

Name 3.

Totally agree with Absofucking will never forget the horror I felt when my mum told my dad and he was the one who had a “chat” with me about it, we never had that type of relationship, I felt violated.