Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not telling dp about dd's periods

437 replies

Loveatthefiveanddime · 27/06/2019 09:19

Not happened yet, this is hypothetical. It comes from a conversation with a male colleague at work, (for the record he is 29, childless, and very right-on).
He was saying that if his partner did not tell him when their imaginary future daughter started her periods, he would be gutted.
I argued that if a child has specifically requested that you 'don't tell dad' then you shouldn't as it is her body and her privacy?

In my case, I could imagine very well my dd saying that and actually I don't think it would be a huge deal for my partner as he would respect her privacy, but I am thinking it through now a it is probably quite imminent.

But AIBU? The male colleague was horrified, and said that a mum and dad should be absolutely united on everything and that means absolutely no secrets whatsoever.

OP posts:
OhTheRoses · 27/06/2019 10:33

It's family private. Never hid mine. DD had no need to hide hers. We had cake at tea to celebrate a rite of passage.

She was only 10 and I was worried about school and went to see her head teacher about arrangements. There was a code word for going to the loo and girls who had reached the menarch were allowed to use the private staff toilets where there were bins, bags, pads and so kindly spare pants. HT said it would be helpful if more parents were as supportive.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 27/06/2019 10:34

It's not something I've talked about with my own dad, but I never minded him knowing I had started. I was late though, 14, so was just relieved it was happening at all! I don't have daughters but can't imagine I would have kept something like that from DH for practical reasons - he often did the shopping and would need to know when more sanitary products were required as part of a big shop.

Actually I did have a convo with my dad about it once thinking back. I was working at a festival with him and came on unexpectedly (very irregular cycle). I had stained the pale trousers I was wearing as well as the hoodie i was sitting on, so i dispatched him to get me some supplies and clean clothes, because DH was at home with baby DS without the car. Was all fine, dad wasn't embarrassed at all.

JacquesHammer · 27/06/2019 10:34

Ok I'll name one

When DD started her periods she was 10. At the time her father wasn't living with her now step-mum.

So yes - he needed to know.

I imagine there's a number of girls who are in that situation.

Absofrigginlootly · 27/06/2019 10:35

Also, something has gone badly wrong if a girl in that situation has already internalised the idea that periods are something shameful or embarrassing.

Everything is embarrassing when you’re a teenager no?

I am a naturally very private person and always have been even as a young child. Thanks for telling me that means there’s something wrong with me.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 27/06/2019 10:35

Having said that though, I don't think it's right to announce it as news/gossip as soon as it happens. Only when it needs to come up in conversation, such as shopping or accidents.

RedHelenB · 27/06/2019 10:35

I remember feeling pleased that I was " grown up" and could have babies. My exh didnt have a clue what tampons were or how periods worked in reality (hed had the theory) so I did have to educate him!

OldAndWornOut · 27/06/2019 10:36

Not wanting a song and dance about something doesn't mean its shameful, just that for you (as is your right) it is private.

Halloumimuffin · 27/06/2019 10:37
  • If the parents are separated
  • Contact from school regarding medical issues relating to periods
  • As a PP noted, if the father is involved in household activities where it would become apparent

Or do only women take their kids to the Dr/get calls from school/do shopping/do chores/raise daughters?

BettyBooJustDoinTheDoo · 27/06/2019 10:37

Totally in agreement with everything you have said Bertrand

2beautifulbabs · 27/06/2019 10:37

My Dad was the first to know I'd started my periods when I was 12 he just guessed it I'd asked where Mum was when he picked me up from school Mum was working and he just said have you started your period bless him he then phoned mum to ask where she kept her stuff for me to have I was slightly embarrassed but admittedly my dad handled it well

I think with my DD I'd respect her wishes but let's face it it's pretty hard to hide the hormone side so men you live with do guess eventually 🤣

3dogs2cats · 27/06/2019 10:37

I think I would say that her Df would need to know, for if she had some emergency, or felt unwell, but reassure her that he understood about periods and wouldn’t embarrass her.

zweifler1 · 27/06/2019 10:37

I'd be really worried about how I'd parented a teenage girl in 2019 if she was so desperately ashamed of her periods. If I'd not managed to instil any confidence or understanding of the female body.

I genuinely think I would start trying to do some belated education on women and feminism, OP. Take her to see the human bodies exhibition. Go to a museum. Watch some resources on global period shame and how backwards it is. Take her father with you.

Hiding all evidence of your womanhood in your own home because it's shameful isn't about "privacy", it's about stigma.

Absofrigginlootly · 27/06/2019 10:38

At tea time

“Family I just wanted to announce to everyone that DS has now started puberty! I walked in on him in the bathroom and can confirm he now has pubes. Plus when doing his laundry I noticed some scrunched up issues by his bed and the bedsheets were crunchy. Just thought you all needed to know in case it’s your turn for laundry, his sheets might need a soak beforehand. Oh and also, to give you a heads up he now needs privacy in the bathroom”

HmmHmm

Halloumimuffin · 27/06/2019 10:38

My own mother died when I was very young. My father taught me about periods, which I started at 10. I'd say if I'd decided he didn't need to know I'd have had a fair few problems.

Absofrigginlootly · 27/06/2019 10:38

*tissues

kateandme · 27/06/2019 10:39

i think id more like to purely to tell him to cut her some slack.how shes going to be a bit all over the place(possibly) so he needs to be aware to be sensitve becasue this is just the kind of thing he will put his "oh god dh please shut up!" feet in it.but he wouldnt then go and talk to her or let on he knows.
but obviously it would depend how deep and desperate her wish for him not to know was.and id try and then at least give it a time limit of settling in or letting her see why it would be good if he did know.

BertrandRussell · 27/06/2019 10:40

“Hiding all evidence of your womanhood in your own home because it's shameful isn't about "privacy", it's about stigma.“
Who’s talking about “hiding all evidence of your womanhood”ffs??

Halloumimuffin · 27/06/2019 10:40

A quiet notification and on with your lives is slightly different to a 'song and dance' or an annoucement at the dinner table.

VivienneHolt · 27/06/2019 10:41

I would try and talk to your daughter about how it’s not something shameful that needs hidden, and how her dad should know because one day she might need his help with it and she will feel better asking if she already knows he knows. I wouldn’t feel comfortable keeping something like that from my husband because 1) there are lots of things a child might want kept secret from one or both parents but that doesn’t mean it’s in the child’s best interests to comply 2) I wouldn’t want my husband to keep secrets about our children from me and 3) I wouldn’t want to perpetuate the stigma that periods are shameful, secret and embarrassing.

Original poster
Loveatthefiveanddime · 27/06/2019 10:41

OK I think I get the gist that I am not being completely unreasonable but to think of the practical issues and any messages I may be inadvertently putting across.

The conversation came about when we were in a group having a drink, I can't remember how. I think that another colleague said that her mum had gone against her wishes. The colleague turned it around on me and asked how I would feel if I had a son and he said something similarly private to my dp and my dp did not tell me. I don't have a son, I don't know what that thing could be that would parallel periods and my children confide more in me so I couldn't picture that situation at all. But it gave me pause for thought.

OP posts:
kateandme · 27/06/2019 10:45

i think it was easy for my dad to just know so it wasnt really dicussed more confirmed.as my sister had terribly heavy periods and very very extreme pains.whcih would then knock her for 6.and he also did the laundry so you know...

BertrandRussell · 27/06/2019 10:45

“If the parents are separated”
Well, if a girl starts her periods when she’s with her dad and doesn’t have supplies with her, then he’ll have to know, won’t he? In those circumstances she doesn’t have the choice.

  • Contact from school regarding medical issues relating to periods
Such as what?
  • As a PP noted, if the father is involved in household activities where it would become apparent”
Becoming apparent is different from telling
Bloomburger · 27/06/2019 10:45

I think it's quite odd for a child to be worried about one of her parents knowing.

HollowTalk · 27/06/2019 10:47

His right to know trumps her right to a private life, then?

Halloumimuffin · 27/06/2019 10:48

Such as what?

I got sent home from school twice for passing out from blood clots.

Swipe left for the next trending thread