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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I genuinely don't know how to deal with this

235 replies

KaleidoscopeEyes · 27/06/2019 01:17

I'm posting here for traffic.

I have a 22 year old daughter in Uni. She has a student loan as I'm in no position to support her financially, I work for minimum wage and things are beyond tight. She's going to be starting her second year soon.

I live with DP who has a daughter due to start uni in September. She lives with her mum and sees her dad and me often.

After she had been accepted for uni, her mum decided that she wasn't going to help dsd with the cost. She is a lawyer.

She has told dsd that she must say she lives with us so that we can advise student finance that we're both in low paid jobs and she can get financial assistance.

We've both had the email today for us to apply for the finance for dsd.

I can't do it. Firstly, it's fraud. Secondly, even if I did do it, and it was uncovered that we were lying, they might think I was lying when I applied for my own dd and take away her finance.

Wtf do we do?? Dsd has been in tears with her dad, he obviously doesn't want to scupper her chances, she has worked SO hard for this. But her mum is resolute, and I know she will not change her mind. I've been with DP for 8 years now, and I know who she is.

Does anyone have any advice please? I've name changed for this and I don't think I've left anything out. Thanks in advance if you can help.

OP posts:
UserUndone · 27/06/2019 01:20

Can she actually move in with you? I mean, would there be a room for her? Where will she be living while at uni?

NoClueWithStyle · 27/06/2019 01:22

Damned if you do, and damned if you dont springs to mind.

Obviously her mum is bang out of order. It would be interesting to ask for her professional expertise and query what happens to lawyers who entice their children/others to commit fraud, but I realise that might not be best for cordial relations.

An important piece of info that you've left out, is what does your dp suggest you do?

Original poster
KaleidoscopeEyes · 27/06/2019 01:25

She wants to live in halls at uni, it's about 100 miles away. She'd always be welcome here, she lives in a town about 20 mins away but she likes it there, I'm not sure she'd want to!

OP posts:
Original poster
KaleidoscopeEyes · 27/06/2019 01:28

@NoClueWithStyle he is exactly the same as me. We are both absolutely stumped. It was his suggestion that I posted here in the hope that someone else will have ever been in a similar position.

He wants to do the best for his dd and if he doesn't do it, she could blame him forever. But I also want the best for my dd, and I would never risk it.

OP posts:
Original poster
KaleidoscopeEyes · 27/06/2019 01:28

Thanks for replying both of you!

OP posts:
RubberTreePlant · 27/06/2019 01:31

Yes, I think you need to say you'll do it if it's true. She needs to move in immediately to make it true. Otherwise she's snookered.

Bluerussian · 27/06/2019 01:35

I think you could do it, she could move in with you, have a room but not stay there all the time. Then, technically, you wouldn't be lying and no one will get hurt.

Original poster
KaleidoscopeEyes · 27/06/2019 01:37

She wouldn't be able to though really, we have a 3 bed house and we also have a ds each, 13 and 14 that have their own rooms. None of the rooms are big enough for the boys to go in together and there's no way they would share anyway.

OP posts:
Pipandmum · 27/06/2019 01:43

Isn’t she on the electoral roll at her mother’s house?

quizqueen · 27/06/2019 01:43

I would tell her mother that you are going to check with her own employer if what she is suggesting is legal (and watch her face in panic mode)!

Original poster
KaleidoscopeEyes · 27/06/2019 01:43

Actually, we don't use the front room. Maybe we would make that into a bedroom for her....

OP posts:
RubberTreePlant · 27/06/2019 01:45

Front room could work. She just needs a bed or sofa and a cupboard. It's not for long d it's not all the time. She'll still visit her mum's. Then she'll be at uni too.

TheHopefulTraveller · 27/06/2019 01:46

If she takes a gap year and is prepared to have no contact at all with her mother in that year (i.e. must live somewhere else if not with you) and can provide a paper trail for that (letter from a GP would do if she discusses family problems with them, say), then she can claim estrangement from her mother. SFE should then base her application on her father's income (or possibly just her own circs). Personally, I think I would welcome an estrangement from a mother that selfish!

Original poster
KaleidoscopeEyes · 27/06/2019 01:47

@Pipandmum she was only recently 18, so I'm not actually sure. I'll check.

@quizqueen she does not panic. She certainly won't be threatened. I can't even go into what I have had to deal with from her over the years, my name change didn't work!

OP posts:
SleepWarrior · 27/06/2019 01:49

Could she take the sofa until she leaves for uni? Make it very clear that you want to help but it absolutely has to be done properly if you're getting dragged into a lie - it needs to be made 'true'. No just pretending and actually sleeping elsewhere as it puts you and your dd in a very dangerous position.

If it's too much then she will have to discuss with her mum and tell student loan company that she's moved back to her mums house.

Original poster
KaleidoscopeEyes · 27/06/2019 01:49

Out of interest, what would happen if we refused to support her application for finance? I'm grasping at straws here, I know.

I really do appreciate your replies, thanks. This is causing some serious stress.

OP posts:
LikeDolphinsCanSwin · 27/06/2019 01:50

Are there any younger DSC? If not, now she is 18 and heading off to university does it matter if the co-parenting relationship breaks down? I know it's not ideal for the future, but in the position you have been put it, I would just fill in the form truthfully, ie state how many nights she spends with you and what her main residence is, and send it back. Let the DM deal with the fall-out.

Trickier if there are younger DSC though.

HermioneMakepeace · 27/06/2019 01:50

This is blatant fraud and it will be YOU who gets a criminal record. Don't do it. Tell DSD you love her, but you're not prepared to go to prison for her.

Original poster
KaleidoscopeEyes · 27/06/2019 01:51

@RubberTreePlant that could actually work. We could do that.

OP posts:
Durgasarrow · 27/06/2019 01:51

What an unethical bitch that woman is.

TheHopefulTraveller · 27/06/2019 01:52

You don't have to support it, but then she'll only get the basic level of loan that she'd get if you were a high earner. So her fees will be covered but not enough to live on.

TheHopefulTraveller · 27/06/2019 01:52

(The same is true if she applies from her mum's address actually.)

UserUndone · 27/06/2019 01:56

If she's living at uni I'd adapt the front room and do it but I'd make it clear that she would have to spend the majority of her time with you, that way you wouldn't be lying.

CrumpetyTea · 27/06/2019 01:59

Has Your DP been paying maintenance for her because she lives with her mother - presumably there is a paper trail around that?

I don't know what the actual requirements are for her to claim residence at yours - is it before going to uni? while at uni? I would check all this first before saying no

RubberTreePlant · 27/06/2019 02:01

Out of interest, what would happen if we refused to support her application for finance? I'm grasping at straws here, I know.

Then she'll either have to prove estrangement or postpone uni until she's 25 and can get finance based on her own financial position. (Or find £50k from somewhere.)

My father did this to me and I had to hang around temping and cooling my heels until I was 21 (as the age was then, 25 now).

Help her (legally) if you possibly can.

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