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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I genuinely don't know how to deal with this

235 replies

KaleidoscopeEyes · 27/06/2019 01:17

I'm posting here for traffic.

I have a 22 year old daughter in Uni. She has a student loan as I'm in no position to support her financially, I work for minimum wage and things are beyond tight. She's going to be starting her second year soon.

I live with DP who has a daughter due to start uni in September. She lives with her mum and sees her dad and me often.

After she had been accepted for uni, her mum decided that she wasn't going to help dsd with the cost. She is a lawyer.

She has told dsd that she must say she lives with us so that we can advise student finance that we're both in low paid jobs and she can get financial assistance.

We've both had the email today for us to apply for the finance for dsd.

I can't do it. Firstly, it's fraud. Secondly, even if I did do it, and it was uncovered that we were lying, they might think I was lying when I applied for my own dd and take away her finance.

Wtf do we do?? Dsd has been in tears with her dad, he obviously doesn't want to scupper her chances, she has worked SO hard for this. But her mum is resolute, and I know she will not change her mind. I've been with DP for 8 years now, and I know who she is.

Does anyone have any advice please? I've name changed for this and I don't think I've left anything out. Thanks in advance if you can help.

OP posts:
LL83 · 27/06/2019 08:00

I would say no. It is too risky, if it is ever looked at it will be very obvious she "moved in" just before uni.

I would explain to dsd you will help in any other way you can. If she goes to uni near you she can live with you. Dsd may have to consider other options such as closer uni if mum really wont change her mind.

katewhinesalot · 27/06/2019 08:02

Just get the sofa bed and get her to do a more even split. Move her in officially with the paper trail. She's needs to stay with you some of the time, not necessarily full time. It's normal to stay with both parents.

PerfectPeony2 · 27/06/2019 08:06

Why is everyone blaming her mother??!

I absolutely understand why she wants to do this. Just because her father is on a low income doesn’t mean she should 100% support her when she is a single parent and already has a household to run- let’s be realistic- it’s a lot to plan for. I think most people would want to do the same and I imagine it’s a regular occurrence. Especially if she’s supported her financially mostly on her income for several years. Everyone would welcome a maintance loan here.

I’d just go with the sofa idea and get her to move in. Don’t forget that finance wise DSD could look at a student bank account (not read the full thread if someone has suggested this or not). That’s a fee free overdraft that will add a couple of £1000 towards living costs.

And no, you will not go to prison for this! (Whoever suggested that!) You do realise people commit murders and don’t go to prison?!

Ellmau · 27/06/2019 08:07

She can be struck off as a solicitor for this. Threaten to report her if she persists in trying o push you into this.

If DH is currently paying maintenance, won't that end when DSD reaches 18? Would he be willing to pay the same amount directly to DSD to help her with her living expenses while at uni?

Yappy12 · 27/06/2019 08:07

Why does your partners son have his own room at your house but his daughter doesn’t?

Daughter lives with her mum so doesn't need a room there permanently.

Dontcarewhatimdoing · 27/06/2019 08:23

Personally I would get your DH to email his ex and express his concern over the legality of what she is suggesting. I'd be very surprised if she would commit that idea to writing. It may be enough to persuade her to see reason.

LizzieLookAtTheFlowers · 27/06/2019 08:27

@Purpleartichoke I completely agree. Weirdly, dsd is very loyal to her mum. Imo she's pretty abusive, but dsd would definitely rather live in her house. They're much better off than us, and it's a better standard of living at that house.

Well, she's an adult and she will have to make a choice. A) Enjoy the better standard of living at her mother's but live with the fact she will only have access to basic funding because her mother refuses to finance her through uni despite being able to afford it. B) or move in with you so you can legally apply for full funding and don't have to commit fraud because the mother is a selfish bitch.

Whatafustercluck · 27/06/2019 08:28

"I won't commit fraud and I won't lie, but I'd be very happy to have dsd move in so we can do this legally and with clear conscience." Sorted.

EatsLeavesAndShit · 27/06/2019 08:28

BoneyBackJefferson

Just a though (being a cynic) could this be a ploy to get you (both) to commit fraud that she could then report you for?

If his ex wife is as conniving as you say she is then this would be my main concern. Also, their kids are grown up so who cares about happy familial relations? Get her to send you something in writing about putting your address down for the student loans and then email a copy of it to both her home and work address saying that you are not willing to do this and believe this is fraudulent. See how she likes those apples.

mathanxiety · 27/06/2019 08:43

Just because her father is on a low income doesn’t mean she should 100% support her when she is a single parent and already has a household to run- let’s be realistic- it’s a lot to plan for.

She's a lawyer, not a school lunch lady.

Not all single parents are working three jobs to keep the wolf from the door.

And she had 18 years to plan for this.

Haffiana · 27/06/2019 08:51

She's a lawyer, not a school lunch lady.

Not all single parents are working three jobs to keep the wolf from the door.

And she had 18 years to plan for this.

Ah right, she is rich so fuck her, eh? Single Mums are only allowed to have a hard time when they are poor, right.

PerfectPeony2 · 27/06/2019 08:53

*She's a lawyer, not a school lunch lady.Not all single parents are working three jobs to keep the wolf from the door.

And she had 18 years to plan for this.*

So? We don’t know anything about her outgoings. Her father has had 18 years to plan for this too!

I can understand why she wants to do this. If I had the income I’d rather put it towards a house deposit for DD for example. I have a student loan but don’t consider it ‘debt’. I only pay back a small amount and it hasn’t affect mortgages applications etc.

Just giving another perspective. Obviously I don’t know anything about the situation other than what OP has posted.

mathanxiety · 27/06/2019 08:56

If you think the mother is likely to just fold her arms and refuse to support the DSD's loan application, then I think you should go with Plan A - the front room - and establishment of a comprehensive paper trail showing DSD now lives with you.

This would include a court order so your DP can cease paying the mother child support, a court order showing that the mother is now paying child support to DP for DSD - proportional to her income of course - DSD changing GP, going on the local electoral roll, getting a library card, school notified of change of address and changed residential parent...

...and if the mother refuses to play ball, tries to dodge paying child support or lies about her income in order to underpay or not pay at all, there is the Solicitors Regulation Authority.

MonkeyTrap · 27/06/2019 08:58

Depending on the type of law she practices she may well be earning 30k (could also be earning £100+) but the assumption all lawyers are well paid is misinformed!

Not that that makes fraud ok, but to pp who said she’s had 18 years to plan, so has her Dad.

Tallgreenbottle · 27/06/2019 09:02

She can claim estrangement and they will still give her finance. It's not a big deal OP.

Seeleyboo · 27/06/2019 09:02

If she is going to use your information for her Uni finances then tell her mother that she will have to sign over the child benefit, pay maintenance and you can apply for tax credits for her. You're entitled to CB until the child is at least 19. I got it until my son was 20 as his course started before his 19th.

mathanxiety · 27/06/2019 09:09

Single mothers are not necessarily saints Haffiana.
Not sure what the umbrage is about here: Single Mums are only allowed to have a hard time when they are poor, right.

You have no idea if she has or if she ever had a 'hard time' - whatever that means, or whatever relevance you think that might have to this discussion - it's certainly not something a loan institution is going to take into account.

All we know about this woman is that she is proposing to have her cake and eat it, and that there is more cake in her household than there is in the OP and DP's household. Enough cake in fact to make the mother's house sufficiently comfortable and attractive that the DSD prefers living there.

The DSD stands to not have enough money available to consider going to university as maintenance loans are needed if she is to eat while there, PerfectPeony. Indebtedness after graduation isn't the most pressing problem here.

Juells · 27/06/2019 09:22

HRTFT but I wouldn't commit fraud for anyone, any time I've ever done anything the slightest bit dodgy at someone else's urging I've come unstuck Grin

Can your DSD not 'divorce' her parent? Isn't that a thing? If not I guess she'll have to do the same as everyone else who can't afford it, and look for a job instead. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I'd let the mother suck up the professional and social shame of everyone knowing she wouldn't contribute towards her daughter's education.

It'd be a non-issue if I were OP. Not your problem.

PerfectPeony2 · 27/06/2019 09:23

The DSD stands to not have enough money available to consider going to university as maintenance loans are needed if she is to eat while there, PerfectPeony. Indebtedness after graduation isn't the most pressing problem here.

Yes and maintance costs will be 1000’s a year. Halls of residence are expensive and it’s money which she may not have and that her Dad doesn’t have. I don’t think it’s a ‘have her cake and eat it’ situation at all. She just wants the extra funding. I can’t imagine ever denying my daughter the chance to go to university but we don’t know the situation.

Anyway, my point was that I don’t think it’s actually a big deal. Do it properly of course- get her to move in and be registered with all the documentation. If she refuses this, then you will all have to look at other options for funding.

simplekindoflife · 27/06/2019 09:30

She needs to actually move in with you and make it true or don't do it.

Get a sofa bed in the front room for now and then she'll be at university most the time in September anyway.

I think you should try and help her in any way you can, but without breaking the law of course.

mumwon · 27/06/2019 09:41

www.separateddads.co.uk/what-age-do-child-maintenance-payments-stop.html
further down this page:
As you who she wants to declare as resident parent cannot afford to support daughter financially (!!) you can apply to court to make her pay money to her daughter!!! interesting - hey!!!

DaisiesAreOurSilver · 27/06/2019 09:42

Please don't lie. You will be in trouble as will DSD but not the cow responsible.

Forward the email to her and say you will be replying saying DSD does not live with you but with her mother - send electoral roll as proof.

Jux · 27/06/2019 09:44

Your dsd wants something from you which has serious implications for you, which are UR. She will have to compromise for these few months in order to get what she wants.(Is she being like her mum, making decisions which have carry huge risks for those around her, and just expecting them to be followed regardless of those effects? Point out the similarity to her.))

swingofthings · 27/06/2019 09:48

They don't care at all. It's a loan, not a grant. Kids can live anywhere when back from Uni. DD spends 10% of her time here, 10% at her dad and 80% at her boyfriend's. Should she declare her boyfriends' income? His parents?