Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I genuinely don't know how to deal with this

235 replies

KaleidoscopeEyes · 27/06/2019 01:17

I'm posting here for traffic.

I have a 22 year old daughter in Uni. She has a student loan as I'm in no position to support her financially, I work for minimum wage and things are beyond tight. She's going to be starting her second year soon.

I live with DP who has a daughter due to start uni in September. She lives with her mum and sees her dad and me often.

After she had been accepted for uni, her mum decided that she wasn't going to help dsd with the cost. She is a lawyer.

She has told dsd that she must say she lives with us so that we can advise student finance that we're both in low paid jobs and she can get financial assistance.

We've both had the email today for us to apply for the finance for dsd.

I can't do it. Firstly, it's fraud. Secondly, even if I did do it, and it was uncovered that we were lying, they might think I was lying when I applied for my own dd and take away her finance.

Wtf do we do?? Dsd has been in tears with her dad, he obviously doesn't want to scupper her chances, she has worked SO hard for this. But her mum is resolute, and I know she will not change her mind. I've been with DP for 8 years now, and I know who she is.

Does anyone have any advice please? I've name changed for this and I don't think I've left anything out. Thanks in advance if you can help.

OP posts:
RuthW · 27/06/2019 07:04

I agree you need to make your front room into a bedroom and move her in asap. She must change her address on everything (electorial roll, bank, drs etc).

SolitudeAtAltitude · 27/06/2019 07:07

I would not commit fraud

Her mum sounds awful!

wheresmymojo · 27/06/2019 07:14

Front room could have a sofa bed so that you can still use it when she's away in term time.

wheresmymojo · 27/06/2019 07:16

Also...actually I'm not sure it makes any difference where she lives?

The application asks for salaries of her parents - her mother is still her mother irrespective of where she lives!

CanILeavenowplease · 27/06/2019 07:17

There is a special place in hell for parents who could help their children secure an education, but choose not to

It could be argued that mum is trying to ensure her daughter has as much funding as possible whilst at university. She’s not thinking it through on every level but it’s not that daft an idea on the face of it.

OP - I would think carefully about this, for all the reasons you have mentioned yourself. And if she’s moving on with you, you probably need to get the child benefit registered at your address.

OrangeCinnamon · 27/06/2019 07:23

Her Mum does sound awful but you need to discuss with DH what provision he has agreed with ex to cover university costs...if any. Did he just assume ex would make up loan shortfall? He needs to take some responsibility for this too. Depending on household parental income (I'm not sure of the definition of this you may have to check ) even if she was put down as living with you there would still be contribution to make towards living costs.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 27/06/2019 07:28

ukgift2016 have you missed the bit where it says the girl's mother is refusing to help her? OP and her DH can't afford to help her and don't want to make a fraudulent application.

Witchend · 27/06/2019 07:29

They ask for finances of both parents anyway, so her mum needs to do one.
We applied a couple of months ago (did you know the deadline for getting the grant by the start of term was in May?) And even though we are married and live together, both me and DH had to fill out separate forms.

SarahMused · 27/06/2019 07:29

Your step daughter’s mother is keen to saddle her with more debt than necessary in order to save herself money. The maintenance loan and fees have to be paid back, it is not free money. I don’t however think anyone risks being prosecuted if she chooses you to support her application. On the SFE website it asks the student to choose who they have most contact with. Remember it is household income that you are assessed on not just your partner’s salary so you may not get a full loan anyway if you both work.

Freddiefox · 27/06/2019 07:32

Her mother is a lawyer. I’d be making a thread in legal to find out what you could threaten to do to scupper your dsd’s mother’s career and force her to contribute.

Ffs what’s the point of that? Everyone would suffer then.

SarahMused · 27/06/2019 07:34

Witchend The reason you both had to fill in a form is because you form a household with the student that is applying. Not because you are the parents. The income of the parent that is not supporting the application is irrelevant.

Butterymuffin · 27/06/2019 07:34

I'd want to ask someone in student finance what would happen if you made the application but then at a future point the student decided to return to their mum's house.

Rowyourjollyroger · 27/06/2019 07:34

wheresmymojo the forms ask for household income.
My DD gets a full maintenance loan as she lives with me and I earn very little. If she lived with her dad, his household (him and his wife) would exceed the threshold and she’d get the minimum. The minimum wouldn’t even cover her accommodation. As it is, she’s planning to get a pt job. We had to provide HMRC details (I’m self-employed). I think do they do check if you’re entitled to more than the minimum, but not sure whether they check the electoral roll.
What a pig of a situation for you and your DSD, OP.
Agree with all those who say don’t lie, but have your DSD move into the front room.

scubadive · 27/06/2019 07:36

Is she going to live away at uni? If the parental income statement isn’t returned your SDD will receive a loan for the fees and the minimum living loan c£4K. The max living loan (that you can only get by proving low income) is c£9k, the difference is about the cost of accommodation for the year. So your SDD would have money to live off but no money to pay the rent.

You could convert the room downstairs, buy a sofa bed and she move in but even then you need to say in the form where she usually lives now. She could defer a year if you call her mums bluff and she still doesn’t pay, then she lives with you until next year and you can truthfully say she lives with you.

RubberTreePlant · 27/06/2019 07:36

They ask for finances of both parents anyway, so her mum needs to do one.

Wrong.

We applied a couple of months ago (did you know the deadline for getting the grant by the start of term was in May?) And even though we are married and live together, both me and DH had to fill out separate forms.

You were both asked BECAUSE you live together.

Justthetwothankyou · 27/06/2019 07:36

If her mother is a solicitor, isn't she committing fraud which means that is a big black mark on her profession and her own professional judgement.
At the very least she's asking her daughter to partake in a fraud.
This isn't a case of 'can't she move in with you?' as you are a separate family unit to her mother's.
As a mother in that situation, with a good job, I would be behind my child 110% backing her rather than trying to fiddle the student loans.
Wouldn't this also make you party to the fraud if you enter into this?

museumum · 27/06/2019 07:39

If her mum is dead set on not supporting then she needs to properly move in with you and therefore your dh needs to stop paying her mum any maintenance, she needs a bedroom and to register on the electoral roll at your address.
I would 100% do this for any step child of mine. The alternative of just not letting her go due to her mums pig headedness is unthinkable.

Knitwit99 · 27/06/2019 07:40

Phone the student loan company and ask their advice. Say the mum is refusing to support the application. I bet this is not as unusual as you think.

billy1966 · 27/06/2019 07:48

I would not under any circumstances agree to commit fraud.

I would definitely email the mother with you concerns, that she has clearly asked you to commit fraud.

You have your children and life to protect.

Get some good advice and put that also in an email.

You don't trust this woman, why would you put yourself in peril for her.

HappilyHarridan · 27/06/2019 07:50

Why does your partners son have his own room at your house but his daughter doesn’t?

BrilliantYou · 27/06/2019 07:51

That's a tricky one. I think you need to speak to someone who specialises in student finance. It might not be as simple as saying she lives with you, they may need proof so she'll have to be on electoral register with you etc.

If her mum is happy with this then I would say do it. If your dsd receives reduced maintenance loan due to her mums higher earnings it will barely cover her accommodation fees. Accommodation will be around 4K per year alone, then food and extra money on top. Then if possible her mum can still help if need be.

MonkeyTrap · 27/06/2019 07:52

@HappilyHarridan

To hasten a guess because son lives there FT. Not everyone has an infinite amount of rooms.

Lasteleven · 27/06/2019 07:56

Sorry I haven’t had time to read all the thread so may be repeating someone.

Are you (& your dh’s ex) aware that she can just refuse to declare income & her daughter will get the minimum loan? There is no need for subterfuge. It’s legal for parents to not declare their income. It may be less than she’d get if assessed on your income but is still around £4500 maintenance plus full tuition loan, so with a pt job & holiday work she may be able to manage. The main problem might be with upfront costs for accommodation if the loan doesn’t cover this.

Sonicknuckles · 27/06/2019 07:57

I'm sorry but I think you both need to say No.
You can't do that it's fraud and she's bloody cheeky to suggest it.

DocusDiplo · 27/06/2019 07:59

I hate fraud. It's really disgusting. Teach your step/daughter morals and day no. Silly woman.

Swipe left for the next trending thread