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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I genuinely don't know how to deal with this

235 replies

KaleidoscopeEyes · 27/06/2019 01:17

I'm posting here for traffic.

I have a 22 year old daughter in Uni. She has a student loan as I'm in no position to support her financially, I work for minimum wage and things are beyond tight. She's going to be starting her second year soon.

I live with DP who has a daughter due to start uni in September. She lives with her mum and sees her dad and me often.

After she had been accepted for uni, her mum decided that she wasn't going to help dsd with the cost. She is a lawyer.

She has told dsd that she must say she lives with us so that we can advise student finance that we're both in low paid jobs and she can get financial assistance.

We've both had the email today for us to apply for the finance for dsd.

I can't do it. Firstly, it's fraud. Secondly, even if I did do it, and it was uncovered that we were lying, they might think I was lying when I applied for my own dd and take away her finance.

Wtf do we do?? Dsd has been in tears with her dad, he obviously doesn't want to scupper her chances, she has worked SO hard for this. But her mum is resolute, and I know she will not change her mind. I've been with DP for 8 years now, and I know who she is.

Does anyone have any advice please? I've name changed for this and I don't think I've left anything out. Thanks in advance if you can help.

OP posts:
TheHopefulTraveller · 27/06/2019 02:09

No, some of this advice really isn't correct. She can get a fees loan whatever the financial situation of the parent she lives with. It's only the maintenance loan that's means tested. Otherwise children of higher earners would all be having to pay their fees up front. Whether she can cope on little or nothing in the way of maintenance loan depends on what she's studying and whether the contact time required will leave her with time to do a part-time job.

RubberTreePlant · 27/06/2019 02:15

She can get a fees loan whatever the financial situation of the parent she lives with. It's only the maintenance loan that's means tested.

Well of course, but she needs both. She has to pay for halls, food, and general living. Her dad and OP are low paid. They can't make up several £k of shortfall annually.

TheHopefulTraveller · 27/06/2019 02:22

Agreed, hence my advice upthread. It shouldn't be necessary for her to wait until she's 25 though - at worst it would be after supporting herself for 3 years, and if she can prove estrangement, only one.

Helpful link

RubberTreePlant · 27/06/2019 02:30

Your advice to cut all contact with her mother and take a gap year?

There's no need to do either with the 'front room plan'.

Completely cutting off contact with a parent (albeit a difficult one) is a big step for a teenager. She might not want to take a gap year, especially given tight finances and a strained relationship with her mother. Front room plan is easier, quicker.

Original poster
KaleidoscopeEyes · 27/06/2019 02:32

Hang on. If she applied to uni under her mum's address, then it would look bloody suspicious anyway, wouldn't it? And if she applied under our address, then it was the plan from the beginning.

God this is hard. DP is stressing like hell, how's he supposed to try and explain to dsd that we won't do it? He's scared she'll hate him for it.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 27/06/2019 02:38

If you're going for the front room plan, I would double check that there isn't a rule about how long you've been living at the address/how long the resident parent has had residency etc.

RubberTreePlant · 27/06/2019 02:39

Hang on. If she applied to uni under her mum's address, then it would look bloody suspicious anyway, wouldn't it? And if she applied under our address, then it was the plan from the beginning.

I think you can be completely honest about unsupportive mum being the reason for the change of residence. I don't think that's a problem at all.

As a comparator, I started divorce proceedings in the middle of DC2's student finance application. I had to supply proof but then STBXH (DC2's stepfather) was removed from the calculation very quickly.

This would be similar.

It might be an idea to talk to the school.

StoppinBy · 27/06/2019 02:39

Tell her the legal ramifications if you were ti be caught out. Get her to aske her mum to clarify that if she doesn't believe you.... I am sure if her mum is a half decent lawyer she will be able to explain the situation to her daughter.

RubberTreePlant · 27/06/2019 02:41

If they ask, that is.

Crafting1Queen · 27/06/2019 02:44

OP, I'd be very careful here, and think you are right not to do this. Although it may break dsd's heart if she can't afford to get to Uni, it's her mum who is putting you/her in this awful position. Surely she must have known her dd wanted to go to Uni, and if she wasn't prepared to help her financially, should have brought this up before now, and suggested she move into yours to make it all legal some time ago. I'd also be very concerned about the fraud side of it, same as you clearly are from both the moral and illegal stand point, but also - what if your dsd's mum is trying to pull a fast one/reverse on you and DP, and will report you two for fraudently claiming dsd lives with you once you have submitted the financial assistance application?

Hidingtonothing · 27/06/2019 02:51

I can't advise on legalities etc OP but as for how you explain to DSD if you can't find a (legal) way to help I think you just have to tell her the truth. I wouldn't want my DF to risk a fraud charge on my behalf so be very honest about potential repercussions and I'm sure she'll understand. Less so her mother's part in this, what a shitty thing to do to both DSD and your DP.

RubberTreePlant · 27/06/2019 02:53

I think you need to make several phone calls over the next day or two. Confront it straight on. Don't be shifty. Get honest advice.

The student advice centre at the intended uni might be happy to discuss it with DSD. The school, as I said. Maybe Student Finance themselves. Just trying to think who else could assist.

But being open and saying "This is what's happened. These are our thoughts. Can we switch her residence? Do we need to do a full estrangement application? Help!"

Alternatively, just move her in, evidence the move (GP registration, school records, electoral roll), do the application, and explain as and when necessary.

MrsGrindah · 27/06/2019 02:54

Do people really go to prison for this? Genuine question

Purpleartichoke · 27/06/2019 03:00

I’d do whatever I could LEGALLY to get her to school. That includes having her pitch a tent in your sitting room.

There is a special place in hell for parents who could help their children secure an education, but choose not to.

Perhaps have her dad appeal
To his ex, pointing out the damage she is doing to her relationship with her own child. She might as well be saying she never wants her dd to come back for holidays, doesn’t care about being invited to a wedding, never wants to meet any grandchildren. She is driving a wedge between herself and her dd that may never go away.

BinkyandBunty · 27/06/2019 03:01

Has your DP contributed equally to the cost of raising his DD?

If not, maybe this is her mum's funny way of making him do his share, so to speak?

RubberTreePlant · 27/06/2019 03:03

The school will help you. They want their pupils to succeed. There's no need to panic or sign anything fraudalent.

Original poster
KaleidoscopeEyes · 27/06/2019 03:12

@BinkyandBunty he's always paid maintenance and is a very involved dad that's seen them both regularly since he split with their mum.

She just doesn't want to pay, and doesn't see why she should. That's the top and bottom of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
KaleidoscopeEyes · 27/06/2019 03:16

@Purpleartichoke I completely agree. Weirdly, dsd is very loyal to her mum. Imo she's pretty abusive, but dsd would definitely rather live in her house. They're much better off than us, and it's a better standard of living at that house.

OP posts:
Original poster
KaleidoscopeEyes · 27/06/2019 03:20

@RubberTreePlant you've given me so much great advice tonight, thanks so much Flowers

OP posts:
DramaRamaLlama · 27/06/2019 03:56

Don't lie about where your DSD lives.

You risk a prosecution for fraud and jeopardising your own DDs position.

My bet would be that when push comes to shove Mum will fund. If she doesn't then DSD will have to take a gap year and can then actually move in with you after which you can make a legit funding application

curiositycreature · 27/06/2019 04:30

Before I started uni, I lived with my dad and applied for finance as such. Dawned on me in my second year that if I claimed I lived with mum (who had a significantly smaller income) that I’d get more money. So I swapped half way. Tbh I didn’t even question whether it was wrong or right... at over 18 and away at uni I didn’t really “live” with either of my parents by that point. And certainly no one from student finance etc questioned why my parents had suddenly changed or tried to verify it (noting your point about electoral registers and application addresses).

justilou1 · 27/06/2019 04:56

Surely a lawyer committing fraud could really fuck up her own career?!?!

PotatoesDieInHotCars · 27/06/2019 05:04

I can see why she has suggested this tbh. I suspect your SD's mother is annoyed that she is expected to support her daughter finacially by herself. This way her DD gets money and her and your DP contribute equally.

modgepodge · 27/06/2019 05:13

Lots of people on Mumsnet are surprised to hear parents are expected to contribute to their child’s university funding if they earn over £25k as a household, it’s all very ‘get a job, you’re an adult and you have a loan’. This parent has presumably just realised this, and has realised that their daughter will get thousands more in loans and grants if they apply with the other parent. My guess is they see this as a fast way to cheap money and won’t actually refuse to support their daughter at all.

Get her to move in for a few months. Then you’re not lying - if anyone asks (highly unlikely) you can honestly say that she moved in with you during her last year at school after an argument with her mum.

IAmNotAWitch · 27/06/2019 05:13

Either she moves in with you, or you don't do it.

That is what it boils down to. Do NOT sign anything that is a lie, that is stupid.

There is an option here for everyone to get what they want without lying. If she won't move for whatever reason then that is her decision.

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