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AIBU?

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Original poster

I genuinely don't know how to deal with this

235 replies

KaleidoscopeEyes · 27/06/2019 01:17

I'm posting here for traffic.

I have a 22 year old daughter in Uni. She has a student loan as I'm in no position to support her financially, I work for minimum wage and things are beyond tight. She's going to be starting her second year soon.

I live with DP who has a daughter due to start uni in September. She lives with her mum and sees her dad and me often.

After she had been accepted for uni, her mum decided that she wasn't going to help dsd with the cost. She is a lawyer.

She has told dsd that she must say she lives with us so that we can advise student finance that we're both in low paid jobs and she can get financial assistance.

We've both had the email today for us to apply for the finance for dsd.

I can't do it. Firstly, it's fraud. Secondly, even if I did do it, and it was uncovered that we were lying, they might think I was lying when I applied for my own dd and take away her finance.

Wtf do we do?? Dsd has been in tears with her dad, he obviously doesn't want to scupper her chances, she has worked SO hard for this. But her mum is resolute, and I know she will not change her mind. I've been with DP for 8 years now, and I know who she is.

Does anyone have any advice please? I've name changed for this and I don't think I've left anything out. Thanks in advance if you can help.

OP posts:
OrangeCinnamon · 27/06/2019 09:59

So does your DH intend to carry on paying maintenance (he should) in which case he is making provision to assist with your SD living costs. Then the mother pays ???

I can't believe the amount of people on this thread advocating fraud. I can't help but wonder if there would be the same if the situ was reversed between father and mother or if it was another type of benefit fraud !? That's Mumsnet for you

pallasathena · 27/06/2019 10:01

I'd get her to defer her place for a year, move in with you, get a part time job, save some cash and plan for the future.

steppemum · 27/06/2019 10:10

sorry, haven't read it all, so apologise if repeating.

  1. get advice about the legal side. By that I mean find out what the actual requirements are for her to be resident at your.
eg, does she have to have been resident there for the last 12 months, or is it enough for her to be resident now?
  1. If legally you can apply if she is living with you, then get her to move in. Make an evidence trail, eg get her put on electoral roll (students at uni are on electoral roll at their parents house) move all her stuff over and make sure her time is split so that she is more at yorus than mums.
  2. as part if that, send a legal letter to mum, so say she is now resident and the implications of that (electoral roll, please remove at hers, any maintenance based on residence etc) not aggressive, just part of the paper trail.
  3. collect and keep the evidenc eyouhave so you can prove she is at yours.

BUT if point 1 is that it has to be based on where she has been for the last 12 months, then you have to write to Mum and say unfortunately after checking it out law says xx, we will not break law or committ fraud, so we cannot do it. If mum is not budging, then dsd may need to defer her palce until she has been resident with you long enough. Sad
At that point, mum might relent?

Kaddm · 27/06/2019 10:11

I’d get your dh to text dsd mum, saying, “we received the forms for the finance, but I am concerned that it could be fraudulent for us to say dsd lives with us. Please can you look into this as I don’t want to accidentally commit a crime, thanks,”

floribunda18 · 27/06/2019 10:11

Can she go to a university near her mum's and live at home? It's not the same experience as living away but it saves a fuck of a lot of money and will get her the qualifications.

floribunda18 · 27/06/2019 10:12

we received the forms for the finance, but I am concerned that it could be fraudulent for us to say dsd lives with us. Please can you look into this as I don’t want to accidentally commit a crime, thanks

Also add, "and presumably, neither do you want to be struck off"

steppemum · 27/06/2019 10:17

2 further thoughts.

  1. if she is in good contact with both parents, wouldn't both parents be considered in the application? So she will have to declare mum's income even if she lives with you?
  1. Mum doesn't care because if she applies from Mum's house, mum has to make up the difference for living/maintenance money. If you refuse, and dsd can't put in a maintenance loan application, she is in exactly the same position as if she applied from mum. So she really doesn't care, as she has no intention of coughing up.
Fibbke · 27/06/2019 10:18

Does it matter where she lives? Surely its her mother and father that are liable even if they are divorced?

AyBeeCee10 · 27/06/2019 10:24

You would be absolutely stupid to do it. It is fraud!! Why would you put yourself into that situation. You have your own dd to consider. Dont be guilted into it.

Rowyourjollyroger · 27/06/2019 10:28

It’s not parents’ income, it’s household.
It probably should be parents’, but it's not!

Candymay · 27/06/2019 10:37

Ok I haven’t read full thread. Still want to comment- hope no one tells me off.
I’m really surprised that a lawyer would be advocating fraud. The implications on her could be huge.
The finance available to students is loaned only as far as I understand- so she just wants her daughter to borrow rather than provide for her child. What a shame. Nothing gives me greater pleasure in life than providing for my children and trying to make their lives slightly easier than my own. Honestly I give them everything. I can’t understand the mother’s attitude but it might be to do with the relationship with her ex I suppose. Still not nice. I hope your step daughter can work this all out!

FrenchJunebug · 27/06/2019 10:44

Bottom line is that it's fraud and by doing so it's denying kids who really need to funds for university to receive it. I would say to both the mum and the kid that you will not commit fraud on her behalf.

Original poster
KaleidoscopeEyes · 27/06/2019 10:52

Lots of points to answer but I'off to work in a min!

Let me just point out... I've done all this once already for my dd. It's done on household income, not mum and dad. Dd's dad had nothing to do with it as she hasn't seen him for years.

Exw is NOT a single parent. I've never said she was, but that seems to be the assumption being made. She's remarried to the man she left DP for, with another 2 children.

Also for all those saying why didn't DP plan better? Dsd always maintained she didn't want to go to uni until about a year ago when she changed her mind.

Will catch up properly and thanks again.

OP posts:
Rowyourjollyroger · 27/06/2019 10:52

by doing so it's denying kids who really need to funds for university to receive it.
How so? It’s not a finite pot of money. Everyone who meets the requirements is entitled to a full maintenance loan. It’s set at a threshold for everyone, not split x number of ways dependant on how many people are entitled.
Still not advocating anyone should lie about where DSD lives though!

Poetryinaction · 27/06/2019 10:54

Phone student finance and ask them 'my dsd is applying, which address should she use?'.

DelphicOracle · 27/06/2019 10:56

Im sorry but I would get DH to call his ex wives bluff on this. DSD is old enough to go to Uni so old enough to see her dad independently of her mum. Her mum has also said that she wont pay - so there isnt anything worse she can do IYKWIM..... So I would get him to call her and say that enticing others to commit fraud in her line of work is NOT on. And that they should come up with a plan together as how best to support DSD - what a cow to do that to her child. Dont do anything until they have had a chat first. She cnat just wash her hands of her own daughter ffs!

TheFaerieQueene · 27/06/2019 11:01

If I had it in writing I would be advising the Law Society. What a bitch.

OrangeCinnamon · 27/06/2019 11:11

If he carries on paying maintenance @kaleidoscopeEyes he will be supporting her and he needs to make ex wife aware of that. I did ask if that provision had been made just because there has been a big thing about parents not knowing regarding what they should top up maintenance wise. Well done for taking the problem on...I think your gut instincts are right here

user1486131602 · 27/06/2019 11:24

Personally, I would call the Lawyers practice and ask the question for advice! Name names ! That’s beyond shocking! What representative of the law would advise the child to commit fraud?!

Secondly, i think DP needs to dig a bit deeper? Why is her mother taking this out on their daughter?!

Bloody hell! My son is starting uni this yr and we are also in the midst of apply for funds( divorcing ) and the trail of proof leads straight back to us.

Good luck, I think you’re going to need it!

RiddleyW · 27/06/2019 11:44

Personally, I would call the Lawyers practice and ask the question for advice!

Do you mean ask the firm where shes works to advise? Sounds like an expensive route to me.

Juells · 27/06/2019 11:50

pallasathena
I'd get her to defer her place for a year, move in with you, get a part time job, save some cash and plan for the future.

That sounds sensible. A bit of a pain in the arse for OP though if she doesn't have the room and it means step-daughter sleeping on sofa in family's communal living space.

DramaRamaLlama · 27/06/2019 12:29

Personally, I would call the Lawyers practice and ask the question for advice!

Honestly this is ridiculous advice. If you're asking "general advice" from lawyers then you're going to pay a lot for it. If you're planning on naming names they're going to roll their eyes and have you marked as a troublemaker. They're not going to do anything.

RhiWrites · 27/06/2019 12:35

@KaleidoscopeEyes
She should call the student finance office at the university and explain to them her mum is refusing to contribute anything and her dad is on a low income and ask for advice.

It’s a new situation to you but not to the uni.

Justathinslice · 27/06/2019 23:36

CALL THE COLLEGE CAREERS DEPARTMENT!!!! SERIOUSLY!

Original poster
KaleidoscopeEyes · 30/06/2019 14:04

Thanks for all your suggestions and support. DP told her on the phone and we're seeing her tomorrow for coffee. She wasn't best pleased... She said that's what everyone does, all her mates have done the same. Don't believe a word of it.
She doesn't seem to understand that this is wrong. She's studying law, ffs! Not a great start to a morally glittering career, is it?

OP posts: