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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pull out ds out of school?

208 replies

summerishereatlast · 25/06/2019 12:52

DS10 attends a very small prep school and is leaving two years early to attend a very good grammar school. We were struggling to pay the fees, and he needs to move. This was a godsend for us.

His friends dropped him as soon as they found out he was leaving, despite the fact they have all been great friends since they were two years old. The last few weeks have been pretty unbearable as he has no one at all to play with anymore, and he is hurt and confused. It has tipped into what I would consider bullying. Making plans to meet him at break, and then hiding to watch him wait alone, and then running off laughing. Whispering in the class, sitting everywhere but next to him deliberately. That sort of thing.

We have had tears every bedtime, school refusal, he has totally lost his smile and I looks very sad all of the time.

He feels very badly let down, devastated that he has lost his oldest friends so quickly and easily, and I don't know how to deal with it. What to make of it.

I do know the parents of the boys well, lunch and coffees, odd dinner party etc over the years type of thing and even they have stopped contacting me, it feels like we have been ostracised.

We have three and a half weeks to go, should I just take him out? Or give him a few days off? He will miss his end of school play, sports day and all the things he was looking forward to before.
Or should I be teaching him to ride it out and get to the end?

So shocked about it all, I did not see this coming at all.

Please advise.

OP posts:
Beesandcheese · 25/06/2019 12:56

Have you discussed this with the school?

Original poster
summerishereatlast · 25/06/2019 12:58

Yes I have with the form teacher, who has told me 'it is often like this for any dc leaving, she will keep an eye on it'
I have then sent another email to say it is still continuing a few days ago. Reply was the same. She acknowledged there was a problem, and ds had lost his 'sparkle'

Not exactly helpful.

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 25/06/2019 13:01

Poor little lad.

It's likely the friends will gradually come back into your son's sphere during the summer holidays. Kids can be weird like that but they don't think deeply about it.

I hope your boy gets on well at the grammar school - well done to him - and he will make new friends.

mcmen71 · 25/06/2019 13:03

Why did you tell his friends there was a similar thread about 1 month ago

Original poster
summerishereatlast · 25/06/2019 13:07

He had an open day.

OP posts:
Original poster
summerishereatlast · 25/06/2019 13:07

They have to go along and spend the day at the new school.

OP posts:
Notverygrownup · 25/06/2019 13:08

Oh wow! And you are paying for this level of pastoral support!! It sounds horrific. Your poor ds.

I am not sure what the legalities are re pulling him out - do you have to register him as home taught, or can you apply for extra holiday for a sudden family trip, or can you just disappear, but I would definitely consider it.

First however, I would be booking an urgent appointment with a deputy head/head of pastoral care, and taking along a copy of that email, and asking them to explain exactly how they consider this acceptable, or if it isn't, how they intend to address this. If the school has a bullying policy, please request a copy first if it is not on their website.

Private schools rely on reputation and should be keen to be seen to be doing something.

Original poster
summerishereatlast · 25/06/2019 13:10

The teacher's response was disappointing. Do you think pastoral can help? Even in the last few weeks? It seems almost as if they have checked out needing to help us. That was certainly the impression.

OP posts:
Notverygrownup · 25/06/2019 13:11

I am really Shock at the other kids behaviour - no doubt learned from their parents, since they are mirroring it too. How sad.

You can reassure your son that he will make new friends, and that this behaviour is not normal. His new friends will be better than this - most friends are!

Original poster
summerishereatlast · 25/06/2019 13:11

They are oversubscribed, I am not sure they care that much.

OP posts:
Notverygrownup · 25/06/2019 13:12

I don't know if the pastoral team can help but it might be worth giving it one last go. If they take you seriously then it could mean a more positive end to the school for him. If they don't then you know where they stand.

Original poster
summerishereatlast · 25/06/2019 13:15

not The life lesson for my son has not been a good one as far as friendships go. Only lasting as long as you can pay to be part of the club. I hope he will make some good friends at the next school, and a return to his usual sunny disposition would be a relief.

OP posts:
Thehop · 25/06/2019 13:15

Pull him out this is awful.

Original poster
summerishereatlast · 25/06/2019 13:16

Not thanks that is good advice. I will try to contact them. I am not hopeful they will do much, but any improvement would be welcome.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 25/06/2019 13:17

That’s horrible, your poor son
If you are able to keep him at home then I would give him the option

Original poster
summerishereatlast · 25/06/2019 13:19

I am considering pulling him out, as I am becoming quite worried about his MH, we have never had issues with MH before, but he is unrecognisable to the boy he was. He is swinging from being very quiet/silent to furious bursts of anger over very small things. He seems very very stressed.
I am not sure where I stand legally if he is off school, its just for a few weeks.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 25/06/2019 13:19

I'd pull him out Ime of private schools kids dont seem to see the terms out they just go. There is no incentive for the boys or staff to address the issue by the sound of things. Concentrate on the new school and the lovely summer holidays he will have.

SunshineCake · 25/06/2019 13:20

How old is he?

Our whole school experience has been awful and the main reason I'd never have more kids.

Original poster
summerishereatlast · 25/06/2019 13:22

He threw something at his little sister a few days ago and her plate smashed all over the floor. I had to discipline him, but wondered whether it is even worse at school than I thought. He has never ever behaved like this before. He is slamming doors, shouting. I don't know what do with him.

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 25/06/2019 13:22

What a horrible culture. “It’s always like this...” Why?!

Original poster
summerishereatlast · 25/06/2019 13:23

He is ten, eleven in August.
What happened with your school? Did you manage to solve it?

Up to now our experience has been fine, not perfect, as there is no such thing, but okay.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 25/06/2019 13:24

A lot of private schools break up on 12th July so it’s really not long, I doubt there would be an issue with it legally. Just say you are going on holiday

Comefromaway · 25/06/2019 13:25

'it is often like this for any dc leaving, she will keep an eye on it'

Sorry but that is a disgusting attitude from the school. My dd left her independent school because she got a bursary at a specialist school, one of only 3 leaving at the end of year 6. I'd have gone ballistic if that had happened.

Original poster
summerishereatlast · 25/06/2019 13:25

red I have been trying to focus on the new school, driving past. Planning his new bus route. He is fine for a while and then he goes to school, and it all starts again.

OP posts:
Snowoctopus · 25/06/2019 13:26

That is awful, poor wee boy!
I’d keep him off for the rest of term and just make it a fun extra long summer holiday, if you are in a position to do so of course.