To pull out ds out of school?

[summerishereatlast]

DS10 attends a very small prep school and is leaving two years early to attend a very good grammar school. We were struggling to pay the fees, and he needs to move. This was a godsend for us.

His friends dropped him as soon as they found out he was leaving, despite the fact they have all been great friends since they were two years old. The last few weeks have been pretty unbearable as he has no one at all to play with anymore, and he is hurt and confused. It has tipped into what I would consider bullying. Making plans to meet him at break, and then hiding to watch him wait alone, and then running off laughing. Whispering in the class, sitting everywhere but next to him deliberately. That sort of thing.

We have had tears every bedtime, school refusal, he has totally lost his smile and I looks very sad all of the time.

He feels very badly let down, devastated that he has lost his oldest friends so quickly and easily, and I don't know how to deal with it. What to make of it.

I do know the parents of the boys well, lunch and coffees, odd dinner party etc over the years type of thing and even they have stopped contacting me, it feels like we have been ostracised.

We have three and a half weeks to go, should I just take him out? Or give him a few days off? He will miss his end of school play, sports day and all the things he was looking forward to before.
Or should I be teaching him to ride it out and get to the end?

So shocked about it all, I did not see this coming at all.

Please advise.

See if the new school has a parents' Facebook page and ask to join it. He might be able to meet up with some of his future classmates over the summer and make some new friends.

I'm so glad you're going to tell the Head straight. Hope your son is over the moon about your decision.

I'm so glad you're taking him out. Your poor boy. I have an almost 10 yr old son and the thought of him being treated like that would break my heart.
He will be so different once you get him out of that dreadful environment.
As others have said. Do not lie to the school. Tell them exactly why and complain to the highest level to hopefully prevent it from happening again.

I'm all for teaching children resilience but there is also an important life lesson in showing children they do NOT have to put up with shit behaviour from others.

100% this! Children need to be taught self respect and that it is okay to walk away some times. When he grows up he may find himself in a similar situation at uni / a workplace and he needs to know that he isn't weak (or whatever) for saying "enough is enough".

Yes I think in the circumstances you are doing the right thing!

He is 10 and clearly miserable. I would make it clear as to why you are leaving early though. I would need the school to know how unhappy your son is and their inadequate response has contributed to that.
I would also be tempted to text the other parents but then that’s just me 🤷🏻‍♀️

As for activities- the weather is on the up so I would suggest lots of outdoor adventures. Have you got any wooded areas near you? You could go searching for mini beasts and take a picnic.

Day trips to local seaside?

If he is keen on drawing/writing, perhaps you could get him to design a menu for the week and then you go shopping for items together.

I would make the most of going into central London and going to natural history museum, science museum, transport museum all in the mid week when they queues aren’t crazy.

Also loads of fab Disney films coming out now Toy Story, Lion King and Aladdin.

Enjoy this time together x

It must be a thing, someone posted about her DD going through exactly the same. Heart breaking, I can't remember the outcome but it was a thread about 2mths ago maybe. All very odd.

I don't know if anyone has already suggested this, sorry if they have but is it worth maybe contacting the grammar school and seeing if they could take him a few days a week for the last weeks of their term? It's likely they won't finish until a good few weeks later than his prep school would and it would give him the chance to meet his new classmates and get familiar with the school and perhaps lessen any anxiety ahead of starting in September? I moved schools late summer term once when I was younger and remember feeling much better about the following September.

I'm really glad you are doing this (DD was bullied at the end of her school and I wish we had done something similar, but it was nothing like as bad as this).

We HE'd her for the year after, and did focus a lot on building up confidence, in part to prove to her that she was good at making friends, and it was their fault not hers. So whatever he enjoys, can you find a week or two's summer school of it, so that he can make friends there and not feel like everything is riding on his new school?

Also, you might find some HE groups still running for the next couple of weeks, if you look for Forest School or similar, which might fill the gap a bit. Also post on a local HE page and see if someone has a child of a similar age who might want to go and do things.

Does he do anything outside school-like Scouts or whatever? Can you focus on friendships there?

Also, DD started back at school this year, she was nervous but is now incredibly well settled and has a great group of friends, so tell him it does get a lot better!

If you go here:

www.elevenplusexams.co.uk/forum/11plus/viewforum.php?f=64

There will be some other new starter parents in your region. When DD started at her grammar there was a New Starters Picnic informally arrranged via that forum. There are lots of parents in the same boat, eager to meet others.

Has he had his taster day? Dd went with a notebook and took down names, numbers and email addresses and met up with one or two beforehand too.

Her grammar school is used by a holiday club for the holidays, I know a couple of other schools do the same, that might be nice for him, to feel like he has got a sense of the layout etc of his new school.

I'm really glad for your son that you are doing this: I took ds out of school after his AS levels and it was the best thing ever.

But please make sure the school head and governors do understand exactly why you have done this - its because the school seems to tolerate bullying, not because you are going on holiday early.

onsen what do you do to build confidence in children? This has really knocked him.

I thought I might let him make a bucket list of wishes, and we can work through them (finances and time allowing!) maybe he can take control of some of the time off, so that he follows his own adventure. He does long hours at school so no time for clubs apart from cricket. Most his school friends go to the same club, so we may need to find a new one this summer, if only to avoid more of the same.

Silver lining is that he is not on social media yet, as he is so young, so won't at least need to untangle himself from that as well.

Thats a great link moon thank you. Will def be using it.

baa a fresh start with no issues is what I am most looking forward to with the new school, so I don't want to tell them about this, they may think it is us being difficult (even though it really isn't)

We did try the route of trying to win the friends back with playdates and fun afternoons initially, thinking it might be that they felt sad about him leaving, or that we had somehow made a mess of things. It didn't work, and made ds feel even worse if anything. Esp as he didn't get an invite back even though they were clearly doing things together. It is so shit when it happens to your child, and you know the reasons are motivated by something that can't be changed.

I will speak to the head, and put it into writing what has happened to us. I can't think he will do very much to change things, but he should be aware of it. It will affect the reputation of the school in time.

Your experience is not common. We moved house in yr 5 and my ds was fussed over, with a leaving party and card etc.

If it were me I'd be pulling my son out immediately. What are they going to do? But I would be taking this to the nth degree, written complaints, demand to see their complaints procedure, I'd be wanting to have a meeting with not just the head but the board as well and I'd be wanting to hear from them an action plan as to what they are going to to remediate. This is bullying. It's not acceptable as they will do it to the next person. From someone that used to be bullied no way do I let these things lie.

a fresh start with no issues is what I am most looking forward to with the new school, so I don't want to tell them about this, they may think it is us being difficult (even though it really isn't)

Could you do it from when his prep school has officially finished? I know the private schools round here finish a good three weeks before the state schools. Is that the same where you are? So take him out, keep him home for three weeks and then new school for a few weeks? Totally get that you want him to have a fresh start, but that could maybe be a solution that might help with your childcare as well and the new school would be none the wiser to any problems with the prep school.

I'd also demand my money back, threaten with suing etc. I'd be writing to xyz independent school company they are registered with ...(joking but not). In my experience they only bother pay attention to those who complain loud and hard. Not that you are going to actually do anything but a good structured complaint will go far.

Pull him out. Don't send him tomorrow. He'll always thank you for it.

Go and get a sick note from his doctor. We did this recently with DS over a bullying issue.

At 10 I would give him the choice as in sit him down and he can decide if he would prefer to leave now or stay and attend the end of term events. Behaviour must be down to the parents influence, maybe jealous that he has passed the grammar school exams. Doubt it will improve without a major crackdown by the school. Maybe they need reminding that you would be perfectly within your rights to review the school's pastoral care as you have found it. Your poor son, hope he will feel better soon, this sounds appalling.

@summerishereatlast well done on your decision to pull him out. You’re teaching him to walk well away from people who don’t treat him right. That’s a good life lesson.

If I were you I’d spend the summer letting him have as much control of his life as possible in the sense of him taking charge of what he does. Empower him to make his choices and build his self esteem.

Around here local sports centres such as trampoline places etc have school new starter meet up days in the summer. Each day is assigned to a specific school so anyone joining that school can go and make friends with those who’ll be starting with them. Great idea if you have any near you.

Sorry didn't see all your posts. So glad you're taking him out. This isn't a life lesson he needs to learn. What he will learn is that his parents really have his back and care about his emotional well being.

@summerishereatlast. It's hard to say exactly what worked, because we had a whole year to do it in. So we encouraged friendships outside school, put her into forest school one day a week, did lots of clubs. All of this proved to her that she could make friends with people very easily.

In her case, she discovered that she really enjoyed drama, and so did a two week long course locally over the summer where she made a great set of friends, which helped her through the early stages of school.

So if you can find one or two courses over the summer, or even a residential one (where they will all bond very heavily) that might boost his confidence.

I would also try and find some courses/something for the next few weeks, so that he does have contact with boys his own age and doesn't feel ostracised and alone - anything will do - trial day at the local kayaking club? circus skills? forest school?

Oh - and if you say what side of London, I will see if I can dig out some HE stuff for you - there is loads in London, so you might piggyback on a few of those.

Oh Lord I didn't RTFT, didn't think there had been time for a decision to be made! Good decision, hope the parents/children/school will feel ashamed of themselves.

thedevondumpling that sounds really horrendous. I am worried this will stay with him if he continues to go to school. Did it affect your child negatively afterwards?

It did for a long time but it gradually got better. She always says it was good in the long run and she values good friends so much and her brother, who never had any problems is more inclined to just accept his good friends are good friends.

The best piece of advice she got was her form tutor who knew the background, one of the main bullies went to the same grammar and they had to be kept apart. He took her on one side and said, "You have a new beginning, no one in this form knows you so you can choose to be the class clown, the swot, the daredevil or anything you like and they will just accept that that is who you are." It made her feel she could do it and she did.

She is a teacher now and she is hot on bullying and no one gets away with it. Her motto is "if you aren't doing anything to stop it you are part of it" so her kids know if they join in, watch, or just walk away and ignore it as far as she is concerned they are part of it. Her kids quickly learn that you let an adult know if something is going on.

You are doing the right thing, I wish I had done it and I'm ashamed I didn't. Have a lovely summer with him.

The sick note is a great idea. Then go to the school with it. Maybe you can make some changes for other kids.