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AIBU?

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Original poster

To pull out ds out of school?

208 replies

summerishereatlast · 25/06/2019 12:52

DS10 attends a very small prep school and is leaving two years early to attend a very good grammar school. We were struggling to pay the fees, and he needs to move. This was a godsend for us.

His friends dropped him as soon as they found out he was leaving, despite the fact they have all been great friends since they were two years old. The last few weeks have been pretty unbearable as he has no one at all to play with anymore, and he is hurt and confused. It has tipped into what I would consider bullying. Making plans to meet him at break, and then hiding to watch him wait alone, and then running off laughing. Whispering in the class, sitting everywhere but next to him deliberately. That sort of thing.

We have had tears every bedtime, school refusal, he has totally lost his smile and I looks very sad all of the time.

He feels very badly let down, devastated that he has lost his oldest friends so quickly and easily, and I don't know how to deal with it. What to make of it.

I do know the parents of the boys well, lunch and coffees, odd dinner party etc over the years type of thing and even they have stopped contacting me, it feels like we have been ostracised.

We have three and a half weeks to go, should I just take him out? Or give him a few days off? He will miss his end of school play, sports day and all the things he was looking forward to before.
Or should I be teaching him to ride it out and get to the end?

So shocked about it all, I did not see this coming at all.

Please advise.

OP posts:
MadameButterface · 25/06/2019 14:10

ha, x posts, i would defy try and claw back some fees if you are taking him out anyway. just to make sure that, even though it is too late for your ds sadly, they do something to tackle this horrible culture of exclusion and bullying which appears to be endemic. unfortunately it seems that children's mental health is not enough of a motivation for them, so perhaps losing money will be.

riddles26 · 25/06/2019 14:11

I would pull him out too. I suffered from this kind of bullying at a private school - to this day, I don't know why those girls decided they no longer wanted to be my friends but it has severely impacted my confidence right until today. I struggled to trust friends after I moved school, even years later - if one person in a group whispered to another, I felt like it was about me, if I went anywhere with 2 friends and we had to sit in pairs (like coach etc) and I was the on alone, it would bring the left out feeling all back even though there was nothing to it. It still doesn't take much for those feelings to come flooding back today despite being in my 30s.

And yes, pastoral care was non-existent - school preferred to pretend it wasn't happening. I will honestly move heaven and earth to ensure my children are not subject to this the way I was.

I have very mixed feelings about private education for this reason - my parents never knew I went through this as I didn't want them to be disappointed in me - even more so because I knew they had saved everything so I could go to such a 'lovely' school. The tiny class size also made it difficult to make other friends

Micah · 25/06/2019 14:13

As to the parents perhaps you have hit a nerve in terms of the decision they have taken for their children? Or they are just snobs and deciding on a state school puts you beyond the pail.....

It’s probably that they know the environment is toxic, but they turn a blind eye because results matter more. People leaving draw attention to the toxic culture so they prefer to “other” them.

Seen it many times. Mainly in sport, tbh.

ChequerBoard · 25/06/2019 14:13

You've probably only got 2-3 weeks left haven't you? I'd pull him out if he's suffering. He's not going to miss much, the last weeks of Y6 in a prep are mostly 'fun' stuff (school play, speech day etc) anyway and if he's really not enjoying it, there's not much point.

midcenturylegs · 25/06/2019 14:13

@summerishereatlastOP I really do feel for you and my DD had moments like this (different reason) when she was in primary school (also a prep, but only went up to Year 6). I agree with most saying you should pull him out, but perhaps think about what @1Wildheartsease said, you have to teach DC that running away isn't the answer. So I would take your DS to see the Head (yes, with you) so he can see you are trying everything you can to sort things out, before pulling him from the school.

I think the school, the kids and parents are behaving dreadfully. There were a few leavers from my DD's primary before Yr 6, and even when we all knew that one of them was being gently "pushed" out - there was still a farewell party for that child and the teachers at least put on a pretense of being sad she was going.

Um-Mumsnetty hug Flowers

WitsEnding · 25/06/2019 14:14

Please pull him out, poor boy!

I'd also seek partial refund of fees and compensation for any costs, as MadameButterface suggests. You are removing him on Health and Safety grounds - you should be compensated and it's not appropriate to risk his health just to give them a third chance.

bluebluezoo · 25/06/2019 14:14

I have very mixed feelings about private education for this reason

Tbf, my experience on state school was no different.

separatebeds · 25/06/2019 14:14

Sounds like a lucky escape for you from a horrendous school.
My daughter 10yrs is leaving her prep this year and nothing like this has happened (quite the opposite). It is not normal for children to act like this. It is a reflection on the school that they allow it to happen, see it as normal and do nothing about it.

If your child is really unhappy take him out early, There is nothing to gain by staying on.

LIZS · 25/06/2019 14:15

You need to go above the teacher, to head of pastoral or a member of senior management team. They will want your dc to have positive memories of his time there and this is clearly not happening. Do they have an end of year speech day or leavers event. As to the parents, chances are it is more about them justifying their choices to stay on. For some dc it is right to stay until 13, for others their time to move on is sooner. Don't enter into discussion though, continue to be polite and quietly move on.

DarlingNikita · 25/06/2019 14:17

Kids can be little shits, but I'm disgusted at the parents and the teachers.

Don't say you're going on holiday earlier than expected; tell the head EXACTLY why he's leaving. I don't know anything about public schools, sorry, but contact the governors or whoever runs the school too and make sure they know all the details of what's been happening.

Original poster
summerishereatlast · 25/06/2019 14:19

emily I have to say you are almost certainly entirely right. He was downgraded to the Ds cricket team over night, despite being one of their best players. I could take that, actually, knowing that many other boys are keen to take his place.

I was happy enough that he is a nothing in the school play, he is not the most charismatic child on the stage. However, I draw the line at the level of insidious daily bullying. Dh, a boarder at an all boys school said the same as you word for word, I believe he feels we have got away lightly.

Our decision to move him went down like a cup of cold sick with the other parents, they had factored us into their easy futures with their own boys. We are very accommodating at holidays and weekends!

I didn't expect such poor behaviour, and I am very relieved to be leaving now, and I am glad we will not be investing any more time into such empty friendships. Although ds is there to learn, not win friends, you can't really learn if you are being bullied every day can you!

OP posts:
notatwork · 25/06/2019 14:20

Just seen this and am glad that you are pulling him out.
3 weeks is nothing and he will be better off pottering at home than being victimized.

spiderlight · 25/06/2019 14:20

I'm glad you're taking him out, but please tell the Head exactly why - don't make excuses about holidays. They need to address this bullying culture for the sake of other children at the school now and in future.

beecrazy · 25/06/2019 14:23

Pull him out now. We had this when my daughter, at a state primary, won a scholarship to an independent school. Some of her 'friends' she'd known for 7+ years turned against her calling her stuck up and snobby. I wish we had taken her out. It did eventually resolve with some of them but took quite a few years.

El0die · 25/06/2019 14:23

I would definitely give him a good few days off, if you're in a position to. Miss the rest of this week, maybe go in one day next week to see how it goes and keep authorities off your back.
There are some situations in life that you have to face up to and resolve. And there are some where it is right and beneficial to simply remove yourself. He does not have to go through this. I'd have a chat with him and say, if he can bring himself to do the odd day here and there, then he does not have to go the other days. He mustn't tell the other children or teachers about the arrangement though...
Ride it out and move on to happier times... Grammar school, clever boy, well done!!

Topseyt · 25/06/2019 14:23

You are doing the right thing taking him out now.

The school has done nothing about the bullying so far, so it is unlikely that they will start now in the last three weeks of term. It sounds as though going in for those three weeks would harm him much more mentally than missing school.

For stuff that he can do, some grammar schools may give background reading that can be done in the holidays, so perhaps you could enquire about that. My DD3 joined a girls' grammar school last September and was given stuff that she could do during the summer holidays. Mainly background reading though as she was joining the sixth form for A Levels. She hadn't been to a prep school though, and didn't have the bullying issues about it that your DS has had.

Are there any more planned induction days at the grammar school that he could attend? That way he might come to know some of the children who will be joining in his year, and he will know much more about what to expect come September.

BlueSkiesLies · 25/06/2019 14:24

Take him out 100%

ElectricLions · 25/06/2019 14:24

I would literally go into school tonight and clear out everything of his from the cloakroom his tray etc.

I wouldn't give them a massive headsup in advance of going in, I would just email them as I stood in the playground before the doors open. And as they open press send and tell them that you have emailed in.

Your son needs to see you won't put up with the treatment of him and you are there to fight his corner. You have been let down terribly by the school. Get him out then write a letter of complaint about the lack of pastoral care of your child.

PancakesAndMapleSyrup · 25/06/2019 14:24

Pull him out. You only have a few weeks left anyway and he won't be missing anything apart from revision and summer planned 'fun'. You won't get into any trouble for removing him, and he starts at a state school in September. Either you let them know he is having an extended holiday or you just say he won't be back in and No explanation. It's an independent school and he is on roll until the end of term anyway. Honestly don't worry about pulling him out if you are able to cover the extra time off.

Original poster
summerishereatlast · 25/06/2019 14:25

madam 'escalate the shit out of this. I am storing that phase for future reference! What a great expression.

I would, if I thought it would make any difference at all. I can see now that the school has a culture and history of precisely this kind of behaviour. One that stretches for many generations. Of course I was not aware of it, until we were preparing to leave.
I wish someone, anyone had given me the heads up and we would never have gone to the open day at the other school. It would have been far easier all round.

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 25/06/2019 14:27

If there are no consequences from the school with him missing 3 weeks, and you can manage the childcare then I'd do it right away. Character building is a poor excuse when it comes to bullying. That's just damaging and will cast long shadows.

Original poster
summerishereatlast · 25/06/2019 14:27

Any ideas whilst I am here on how to entertain a new friendless ten year old boy for what will be 12 weeks!!! Shock

Getting palpitations about the sheer length of time he will be home...

OP posts:
worriedaboutmygirl · 25/06/2019 14:28

Pull him out if you are not working. Spend some amazing time with him

FudgeBrownie2019 · 25/06/2019 14:30

Do you think you'll take him out for the remainder of this term, @summerishereatlast?

I think as awful as it is, it won't do any more damage to remove him and let him spend a little bit of time resting, playing and enjoying his summer break rather than subjecting him to this. And whilst it's wonderful in theory to escalate things and fight the fight, when it's your child losing their sparkle sometimes cutting your (or their) losses is better for you all.

I teach and have watched occasionally as a child loses their spirit for one reason or another. It is devastating for their families because they simply spend so much time at school that it's impossible for it not to impact on them. In your shoes I wouldn't hesitate to allow him the rest of this term off.

Brefugee · 25/06/2019 14:31

I don'T think you should make excuses to the head about why you are leaving. You have 2 mails from his teacher where you have asked about this wellbeing and they have dismissed it.

Send these to the head and ask them for their strategy to deal with this bullying. Mention that you know it is an issue at such times. And that you will be removing your child from the school with immediate effect until the school can convince you that they have an anti-bullying strategy in place that you are happy with. (then reject everything they suggest).

Utter bastard little shits. (the class'mates')