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Original poster

To pull out ds out of school?

208 replies

summerishereatlast · 25/06/2019 12:52

DS10 attends a very small prep school and is leaving two years early to attend a very good grammar school. We were struggling to pay the fees, and he needs to move. This was a godsend for us.

His friends dropped him as soon as they found out he was leaving, despite the fact they have all been great friends since they were two years old. The last few weeks have been pretty unbearable as he has no one at all to play with anymore, and he is hurt and confused. It has tipped into what I would consider bullying. Making plans to meet him at break, and then hiding to watch him wait alone, and then running off laughing. Whispering in the class, sitting everywhere but next to him deliberately. That sort of thing.

We have had tears every bedtime, school refusal, he has totally lost his smile and I looks very sad all of the time.

He feels very badly let down, devastated that he has lost his oldest friends so quickly and easily, and I don't know how to deal with it. What to make of it.

I do know the parents of the boys well, lunch and coffees, odd dinner party etc over the years type of thing and even they have stopped contacting me, it feels like we have been ostracised.

We have three and a half weeks to go, should I just take him out? Or give him a few days off? He will miss his end of school play, sports day and all the things he was looking forward to before.
Or should I be teaching him to ride it out and get to the end?

So shocked about it all, I did not see this coming at all.

Please advise.

OP posts:
Emilyontmoor · 25/06/2019 22:07

Also console yourself that all those parents who decided to stay are condemning their children to two years of boring slog preparing for CE. Top sets and selective schools use these three years to do the proper educating, inspiring interest and enjoyment of learning before the straitjacket of GCSE hits. And if GCSEs are slog and straitjacket, the Common entrance is worse, exactly the old fashioned stuff Gove wanted back to. So your DS will hopefully get inspiring teachers getting three years to actually teach....

worriedaboutmygirl · 26/06/2019 07:07

On the positive side, your DS will start his grammar school experience with a clean slate, rather than potentially hankering back to his prep school experience (which can be hard when you don't leave with the majority). I agree with the suggestions to throw him into a load of clubs over the summer with the opportunity to suss out who he is and who he likes amongst a whole new set of people - really important skills to practice before secondary if you have been with the same people all the way through. It's important he understands that it's them not him, that is the problem. Unfortunately prep schools that go to 13 hate to lose students (and therefore fees) at 11, so will no go into bat for the leavers.

BertrandRussell · 26/06/2019 07:13

“so I don't want to tell them about this, they may think it is us being difficult (even though it really isn't) ”
Is it a state grammar school, OP? If it is, it - and the associated non grammars- will be sadly used to the fall out in friendship groups from the 11+. So I would tell them. No need to make a big deal- just let them know that transition has been hard for him. There will be some sort of induction for the new year 7s, and it will be helpful for the people running that to know that he might be a bit fragile.

fuzzyduck1 · 26/06/2019 07:23

So he’s moving school because you can’t afford to pay the fees.

That’s just turned your son from an equal to a minion in the eyes of his friends.

Kids act like there parents and these kids obviously have horrible parents.

Pull him out of that toxic environment.

gingerpaleandproud · 26/06/2019 07:44

It's so sad that at 10 years old, his "friends" are already looking down on someone who isn't as privileged as them. I know little about private schools, but this makes me shudder.
I hope your lovely boy has a wonderful summer, and joins his new school afresh. Does he do any activities outside of school, cricket, footy etc? Can you get him signed up to some local things so he can meet other "normal" kids (hope you know what I mean when I say normal, it's not meant to be offensive!) Thanks

Original poster
summerishereatlast · 26/06/2019 08:41

fuzzy wow your post really hurt. Painful to read. We could have scratched together the fees and eat baked beans every day until I am old lady and can only managed liquids! to keep him there possibly with many of sleepless nights no doubt. But since this happened, I am very very glad we didn't try and stay. Do I want him growing up with people like this? No. Absolutely not.

This has been such an eye opener for us Fuzzy.

OP posts:
Original poster
summerishereatlast · 26/06/2019 08:44

emily that is so true. The last two years are entirely devoted to CE. Thank you for your posts, they have been so helpful. Everyone on here has been so kind. I was expecting to be called lame, and told to get a grip and he must see it through.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 26/06/2019 08:50

Advertise locally for a student or a level student just finished home for hols to be companion/child care.
I doubt you get any financial comeback or payoff from school. Cut your losses focus on future.

Organisedclutter · 26/06/2019 08:50

We where at effectively a (state) feeder for private schools. Went on to HE, and an already damaged relationship with peers and their parents, turned into actively blanking us at clubs, church and street. We'd broken unspoken codes.

Very damaged Dc got a week and a half off as pure holiday, relaxed bedtime, wake up naturally etc, and lots of TLC, then 2nd part of week 2 slowly getting up earlier and gently establishing new routines, and starting an illustrated diary to keep what writing comprehension etc was there, in place, but in a relaxed way.
It turned out to be a good place for him to express feelings, and keeping a structure turned out to be really important to his MH.

When we got to official school holidays we did half and half.

Everyone thought it was 'too much, too soon' and the 'total let go' period should be longer, but it turned out to be the right balance to keep a sense of routine and having something to be done alongside exploring a new life.

Your Ds is going back to school so a bit different but I'd make sure he has a sense of structure so he ends up feeling he moved on to something, rather than fell out, abandoned, or was pushed out, of where he was.
It's the difference between a sense of having failed, and a positive choice.

How to get your own sense of equilibrium back as a parent is another thing. A few years on when Dc aced exams, overnight everyone stopped blanking us and started demanding to know future plans. I politely brushed them off, but it didn't stop them attempting to get services out of me they'd previously enjoyed. Those sort of people have no morals or shame.

BTW I took the Minecraft obsession and got onside with it - we did redstone logic, as a first project, which is making 'electrical circuits' in Minecraft.
Google 'using Minecraft in teaching' you may find something he and you could start on that he might enjoy. Flowers

NauseousMum · 26/06/2019 09:09

It's good you are pulling him out and complaining to the school. The culture will never change if there is a wall of protective silence around it.

For confidence building, to get out some energy and back control how about some thing like aikido?

EducatingArti · 26/06/2019 10:51

How did your son react to knowing he didn't have to keep going into that environment op?

78percentLindt · 26/06/2019 10:55

Agree with Emilyontmoor. As said previously, I really think changing school at the end of year 6 is the best way. Both DS went to a prep school which went to 13 for CE. DS1 was put into the scholarship set- I think they thought that the prospect of a scholarship would make us change our minds about moving him at 11. ( And that we couldn't do the maths- best scholarship would have not made up for the more expensive fees at prep school for 2 years)
The senior school took some pupils from the prep school ( and others) at 13, however it was really noticable that the post CE pupils stuck together and did not really integrate with the rest of the year- even with my DSs who knew them from previously. My boys had the benefit of a team building week early in year 8 and a wider curiculum ( and they didn't have to do Latin which they both hated but had started Classics and Spanish.)
AIkido might be a good idea, DS1 was bullied at aformentioned school , started karate with some mates, and suddenly bullying stopped. Discussing the classes seemed to do the trick.
OP you have made the right decision but don't expect a fee refund.

Original poster
summerishereatlast · 27/06/2019 10:24

educating

Well it has been amazing! He was so relieved and happy not to go back. I managed to find an animal sanctuary for us to both be a volunteer. I thought this might help his confidence. He is not allowed to help without me being there, due to age restrictions, but I am so happy we made this decision. Head has been sent a very detailed email about the incident, yet to respond. I imagine he is talking to the teacher first.

Thank you all for such great advice. DS already seems much lighter and happier. The weather has even improved!

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 27/06/2019 10:26

That’s great news OP

birdonawire1 · 27/06/2019 11:03

Take him out. Take him to the GP with anxiety issues. Explain the situation and make DSs last weeks in the nasty school with their uncaring attitude just disappear. Let him have a great time. Maybe get some home tutoring if he needs grades. Enjoy the additional holiday with him.

Don't let him suffer any further and obviously talk to him about this awful situation and reassure him not all friendships are like this.

Frankly it's shocking.

CheshireChat · 27/06/2019 11:10

Animal sanctuary sounds really good, but perhaps try and get him into something where he has to interact with his piers after he settles so he doesn't lose his confidence IYKWIM.

Perhaps look for clubs near the new school as there might be a better chance to meet someone who'll be attending that as well?

As a side note, I'm not English and all my school are were 12 weeks long and it was perfectly fine Wink.

Peanutbutterforever · 27/06/2019 11:17

OP you've been a star.

My DC is at a prep school and although generally lovely, the school does seem to struggle dealing with any difficulties in y7 and 8, it's as though they only know how to deal with young kids and have no idea re older ones.

I'm so sorry you've had this experience and I'm sure you've done the right thing. HOWEVER, please do escalate with the board of governors because they way your son has been treated is so completely unacceptable!!!

cestlavielife · 27/06/2019 13:00

Goid news
Report to governors in writing then let go and move on

EducatingArti · 27/06/2019 13:26

So glad you're DS is happier. Here's to a great summer volunteering, doing projects a generally having fun learning
I agree with previous posters that it might be good for him to do something with other kids his age to get his confidence back .

EducatingArti · 27/06/2019 13:27

your ds

ScaredOfSister · 27/06/2019 13:31

I've only just seen this, but I'm glad you pulled him out, there's no point fighting through issues when it's on the wind down to summer anyway. He'll get a lot more out of the volunteer work.

What a strange situation though, I've never heard of kids behaving like that.

Knittedfairies · 27/06/2019 13:49

The animal sanctuary is a great idea! This will be a memorable summer for him, for all the right reasons. Don't forget to update us with the head's response. I'm not holding my breath...

chocorabbit · 27/06/2019 14:17

I think you made a good choice. I am also glad that you have informed the HT. They should definitely know how utterly rubbish they have been Angry

Even if they do nothing.

QueenDaisy · 27/06/2019 14:19

Our decision to move him went down like a cup of cold sick with the other parents, they had factored us into their easy futures with their own boys. We are very accommodating at holidays and weekends!

Tough, they’ll have to make other arrangements now. Maybe if their children were nicer, the children could have remained friends & this arrangement might have continued - hope you both enjoy being at the animal sanctuary Flowers

spiderlight · 27/06/2019 14:48

How fantastic about the animal sanctuary. He must be massively relieved. Hope you all have a lovely summer and that his new school is better for him.